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2005-01-16 10:58:28 (UTC)


i don't know what brought me to do this tonight...

maybe it was that i watched that aluminum studios amv of
sailor mercury yesterday...

maybe it was that i wrote in my diary recently...

maybe it was that i was sick of not being able to feel...

maybe it was the new technique of telling myself that the
past does not exist...

maybe it was that i prayed...

but i'm reincarnating myself. i was listening to some
music, got thinking very hard... i was thinking how
someone with such high intelligence and creativity
couldn't solve my life's problem. it was rather
entertaining, in a shakespearean sort of way. i recently
made a new strategy of countering guilt that the past did
not exist anymore. it works quite well. i just have accept
that the past isn't existant. it's not here. simple
solution, but it took a while to see that approach.
anyways, in order to finally solve this problem, i had to
rid myself of myself. i had to start anew. not suicide,
because i still had to live. rather, it was like just a
simple farewell to my old self, and forgetting about him
and his memories and actions. like stepping out of my
diseased body and into a fresh one. a fresh slate. so
prayed again, asking for strength and assitance. i felt
like running to drop my mental immunity so i could erase
everything, but i passed. then i realized what i had to do.

i had to look in the mirror. it was something ive never
been able to do without cringing. but i had to meet my new
self. not easy. i stared for a few seconds, and felt all
the pain, the hate, the disgust. but i kept on staring,
not knowing what i was supposed to feel. then i realized
all had to do was be comfortable with myself. to accept
myself. i stared at myself for about 2 or 3 minutes,
probably longer than ive stared at myself in my lifetime.
i was finally able to accept myself. it wasn't that i was
in love with myself, but in love with that fact that i am
me. i am. to love existance... something ive never even
thought of.

so here i am. tossing away the cobwebs. what im trying to
do here is redefine my nature. to be a different person.
well, not to be the opposite of who i was, but to change
myself for the better. to have confidance, smoothness, and
contentness. because there's one thing i must be:
comfortable with myself. to accept my own existance. i
think this time, it could really work. to really be open
with myself! wow, first time ive used exclamation marks in
a while. but ive hid myself in the corner of my brain
mumbling to myself, ive got to turn around, turn on the
lights and walk around. self-love... very similiar to the
ending of what the #%$! do we know?.

and again, doing everything in a calm way. a calm
methodical way. emphasizing peace and serenity.

like bruce lee's teachings, i mustn't have any
predefinitions. the art of no art. be free, like water.
adapt. with no rules, you can't be wrong. just be. that's

this is a rather important post. hopefully i won't forget
about tonight's transformation. i can't give up. i wont go
back to my own ways. HAHA! the past doesn't exist, right?

heh heh, two exclamation marks in one night. im on a roll.
but regardless, that was an extrodinary insight i just
had. combining two theories usually brings up huge results
for me. i can be reborn, because the past doesn't exist.
every moment is new. make it up as you go along. the past
cannot affect you in any way. im feeling good.

im feeling great. this will work. though at 3 AM, i really
have no where to try it out. ah, but i could try drawing
or practicing speech, my two vices. the next few days will
be very interesting... feelin good...

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