Jackie

................

Dear diary,
Well hey I don't know what to do. I've been with my
girl for almost two years next month and we've been
through some shit. Damn, its been fucked up since day one
but I was too blind to see but its great now. We've been
hurting each other since Senior year. I keep having this
weird ass fucked up dream well more like nightmares of me
standing by a bed that her and some guy she use to like
fucked. We were together by the way. It hurts you guys, it
really does. I sometimes see her as Laura C. but
sometimes, Laura D. To this day, I think its unfair of me
giving her happiness by my side and her giving me torture
all those months or more a less a year. I love her with
all my heart and shes changed. Shes changed alot but all
that shit is just still there you know. Every day, since
that happened, since well I found out, I've been trying to
cope with it. I want to give up but I don't know. Only if
she can just get in my head and in my heart for a sec,
she'll understand. I've worked hard to get her, to me,
shes never worked hard to get me. I just fell right into
her spell, overs and overs again. Its like Im under her
spell. I would always break up with her, I thought it was
just childs play and I will always have her but it ended
one day. I gave her my all, and I know Im fucking rare and
not to sound concieted but any girl would like to have
what I like to do...give them little notes, little cards,
and drawings...well I guess but I gave her my all. Her
too, well now anyways. Its just not fair. She cheated on
me...once...twice, oh yeah and again. (3) I did too but
once and it was with her "best friend". My motto is...you
mess with me once, got to get your ass back twice. So I
did with her trusting friend. Shes the one that told me
all her lies which I thank her to this day cause none of
my other so fucking called "friends" told me and I knew
them longer than the ex best friend. Fucked up ey? I don't
know what I should do you guys. It feels good being in bed
with her at night but I wonder how it would be if all this
didn't happen. Where would I be? I don't want to deal with
relationships. This was my first and last serious one for
real. Love and relationships suck fucking ass. I really
don't care of anyone loving me, I don't think you need
love to survive in this world. So fuck it. Laura is a
great person but the other Laura is still there (taps on
head). Im tired of me. And a tip to all you people, before
you get with a person you really really absolutely like,
get to know them better and their background, don't be
stupid. Bye.