My Gay Misadventures
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2005-01-14 21:53:22 (UTC)

Sunday day

It would seem everything iv been meaning and wanting to do,
are all tryin to co-exist within this single day. Today is
Friday, and I'v already made 3 dates for Sunday. Not just
typical average dates, But life altering dates. Being as
drastic as they are, I will have to cancel 2 and choose 1 to
go on. The more milder one, is Eric. (Eric and Randy, Eric)
He's in another one of his depressions, and needs a friend/
butt fuck. I aggreed to lend my friendship and my services
to him Sunday, but that does in fact go against my new
wishes as being less 'easy'....The other, yet more
meaningful date is with a guy named Chris. Someone i'v been
trying relentlesly to snag a date with. He's exactly what i
want in a bf. and I was hopeing to get to know, and sell
myself to him Sunday as well....Finaly there is a
tremendious ghost from my past I recently arranged a date
with. Matias. Thats right, My ex....Its funny. for the
longest time, just the idea of re-connecting with him scared
me senceless. And just the other night, as i found him
online, I confronted my demons. dureing the entire
conversation, I couldnt stop trembling. My heart was
raceing, and i could barely breath. I was in shock. Its at
that moment I knew, I wasnt over him. He gave me his cell. I
called. We talked for hours. About past times, whats changed
in the year of our falling out. and all in all, Just hearing
his voice and talking like we did back when I was in love,
made me feel...safe. I know i shouldnt choose to meet Mat
Sunday. And that logicly I should choose Chris. I dont have
any motive or desire to rekindle anything with Mat. and im
sure he feels the same. But...after this past year of
hunting and longing for him, I think its time I confront
him, and try my best to drill in the mind set-- I dunno. I
dont even know where i was goin with that. Maybe im just
lonely. and Mat never did let me down. ever. dispite our
history. Im just so ready for a realtionshop now, and...oh
man...this isnt good. Not with Mat. Chris...choose chris....

I've grown so much...But i still feel like a child. -- See
you Sunday Mat.

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