Growing From Pain

It is Absolutely Amazing
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2005-01-13 06:29:05 (UTC)

Journal from 1/02/05

Ryan hasn’t spoken to me since Dec. 20th, where we talked for all of five
minutes. Why should he expect me to feel sorry for the pain I’ve caused him
b/c I said Elizabeth shouldn’t give him another chance because he would
most likely hurt her and because he’s untrustworthy. He is. It’s so unfair of
him to expect me to fucking suffer through almost 3 months of agony, and
he says we can’t be friends because for once I chose to choose Elizabeth and
myself over him. He does deserve all the pain he has. The adage “you reap
what you sow” comes to mind. He spent 7 months being alone. Having sex
with me, Elizabeth, and Cara, not telling anyone the truth until the lie could
no longer be contained. He was not alone. What was I supposed to think?
That this guy that I spent time with everyday talking about almost everything
with, spending the night with, cuddling with, and having sex with obviously
couldn’t like me because he didn’t say “let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend” right
away? No! If he could just admit that he is the one who hurt me, that he
accepts the responsibility, that he is sorry that he hurt me, that he does feel
shitty for hurting me, that he misses me, that would possibly prove that he
was ever my friend at all. I told him everything, with held nothing. I defending
him against everyone, was willing to blame myself for everything, even his
promiscuity. I was willing to let him blame me for us messing around while he
and Elizabeth were dating for that whole week. But the fact remains that he is
the one that knowingly did it all. The one that lied, broke promises, and
broke hearts. It’s because of him that I don’t trust my own judgement
anymore. I have no way of trusting others if I don’t even trust myself. And
still, I love him so much. He could have done anything to me, and I still would
have loved him so long as he was honest to me. But how could he be honest
with me, if he’s not even honest with himself. I hope that someday he’ll see
that what I’m trying to do by being there to reinforce Elizabeth’s decision to
not be with is to give everyone a chance to heal and to grow. It’s basically just
showing the other side of Ryan’s coin, and he gets mad at me for it, accusing
me of manipulating her. In actuality he’s the one who is trying to manipulate.
When he asked her to date him after Thanksgiving break after having sex
with me 3 days earlier and having me go down on him one day earlier, he
gave her a choice. Do what I want you to do, risk everything and be with me,
or I will not see you nor be your friend for a while, the same goes for Rene.
That is manipulative towards both of us. Her who needs more time to trust
him and me by trying to make me root for her to do something that would kill
me emotionally that almost made me kill myself just so I could still be his
friend. Now of course he didn’t accept the no that she gave him, he blamed
me and therefore felt that there was no way Elizabeth could ever say no to
him. So over break he called her mother, harassed her until she answered
trying to make her be one his side. How do you make I was fucking your
daughter, whom I claim I love, and 2 other girls at the same time, and 3 days
before I declared my love for her I was having sex with her roommate, Was
the sex with me a declaration of his love for her? So now he gives a new
ultimatum, choose my choice or we will never be friends again and I won’t see
Rene or be friends with her for a long time. With each no his manipulation
gets more desperate. He claims that he doesn’t want to have sex with anyone
else and yet he won’t allow himself the temptation. The 2nd time he asked
her out he said that I was no longer allowed to touch him, I think it’s because
he thinks that he can’t withstand the temptation. Keeping himself locked
away from it isn’t a test, not having sex with someone when no one will have
sex with you isn’t hard. Elizabeth has met a great guy, John, who adores her
and she claims that she does like him and is admittedly enamored of him.
The only problem is she doesn’t want to use John to get over Ryan. So while
she would like to have sex with John, she doesn’t want to use him. I know she
likes John and could most likely love him, the problem is she loves Ryan, but
she knows that without the trust that he can’t provide, no lasting relationship
can be formed. If she does refuse him, it would be the best for everyone.
Elizabeth needs time to find out who she is, something she can’t do when
she’s with Ryan because she’s so all encompassed by him, she wants to do
everything he says which is why refusing him, even though she knows it’s the
right decision is difficult. She tells me that she has every intention of saying
no, that she has no trust and no longer any sexual attraction to him, but she
does have sexual feelings for John. He has been there for her, and she has so
much trust in him. I need to heal, to concentrate on myself and growing and
respecting myself and thinking I’m worth more than just a fuck buddy. I need
to focus on mine and Elizabeth’s relationship b/c if she can say no, she can
help me, and I her, to not fall into these horrible relationships again. I wish I
could know Ryan, the way he truly is, but until he learns to be honest to
himself that is impossible. Hopefully, this situation would give him a
realization that you can’t put relationships on hold until you’re ready, that
every relationship needs honesty, trust, compassion, consideration, and
caring. Every one, not just the boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. I know it will
be a painful realization, but I suppose it’s karma. He has caused Elizabeth
years of pain, myself months, and once Cara knows the truth (if he ever tells
her) she will be in pain also. It only makes sense that all this pain would be
revisited upon him. Should he be rewarded for him abominable behavior for
his lying and multiple-partnered promiscuity, as well as his uncaring for
those he hurt. He shouldn’t be in my opinion. Ryan will not learn unless he
feels this pain. I love him and wish he didn’t have this hard lesson to learn,
but he does. Hopefully someday he will learn it so I can let him back into my
life. I just hope someday he understands all these things.