Growing From Pain

It is Absolutely Amazing
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2005-01-13 05:52:44 (UTC)

A true narrative that happened in very late October '04, belongs b4 emails

Extremely Sexually Explicit
Last night, I suppose I was tested, by whom I have no idea. One of the most
enjoyable qualities about sex or sexual acts with Ryan is that youÂ’re not sure
what to expect. We were watching Futurama, as usual, but this time he was
naked, and I was only partly clothed. Now although this was sort of unusual, I
still thought maybe he wouldn't want to mess around, so I didn't pursue him.
That's a part of my goal, not to pursue him as anything but a friend. So no
matter how much I may want to kiss him, have sex with him, suck on his
penis, and have him touch me, I don't. That is my goal to pursue friendship
with him. Sexuality is wonderful, and I do enjoy it. However, in that sense, I
need to feel desired. That is what I want out of a sexual relationship. I want to
know that my sexual partner wants me so badly he can barely breathe unless
I let him penetrate me. It's not a power thing, I used to think it was. It's
merely a stronger, healthier, more selfish way of acquiring what I want out of
a sexual relationship. That is acquiring that sense of necessity that they have
to have me. They need me. However, I think this is much healthier than my
thinking a few weeks ago of " I need them to need me, and I'll do anything to
make that so." Because it's not about that. It's about my sexual need being
fulfilled and also fulfilling their need because to me that is sexually arousing.
Whew, what a tangent. Anyway, I suppose him turning to me afterward and
having that horny look on his face was to be expected, I had been massaging
him, and stroking him, and scratching him, and just touching him in general.
I love the feel of his body. I did not, despite longing to, grab his penis at any
time. I was also starting to ge disheartened because this whole time, Ryan's
penis has been "asleep." But when he turned to me and looked like that, I
suppose I got this "what?" look on my face. He noticed, of course, and asked
"what?" I said that it was funny the way he turned right over after Futurama.
We were on our sides facing each other, and he pressed his hand to my
vagina. He soon pushed aside my underwear and began to rub and penetrate
me. It's just that his touch alone feels so amazing, and when he seems so in
to giving me pleasure, it's hard to not just hop on top of him and sink down
on him. Somehow I manage not to, mostly because I'm trying to reach this
goal of not having sex with him again until I can have him cum inside of me.
The thought of that, him deep inside and staying there and collapsing upon
me and having these muscle spasms of contentment all while he's inside me,
that's what I'm wanting right now. I guess in some weird way, it's my first step
to getting what I want. But he continues to massage, and then I just start to
push against his hand. We also start to kiss and at some point, he
murmurs,"You're so wet." And all I can reply is a breathy, "Yeah, I know." What
am I supposed to say? It completely turns me on when he says it, mostly
because I know it turns him on that I am. I start to press against him and feel
his penis. I put my spit into my hand and rub the head of his penis. Then I
position it between my labia, but not into my vagina. It slides easily between
and feels great because it's rubbing my clitoris, but I know that it's not as
fulfilling as it would be to have him inside me, for me as well as for him. But
it is what I'm willing to do at that point in time, and Ryan is very
understanding about not making me do something I don't want to do. This
action of immense teasing, almost torturing, feels good physically, but makes
me long for all of him. Not only his penis but the passion and almost violent
thrusts of abandon. It's so exhilarating. At some point I begin to go down on
him. I love doing this. I don't really know why, I just do. My hair consistantly
in my face, my saliva all over his penis, it's sexy. I enjoy it and as long as he
does, I'll keep doing it. We begin to position ourselves for sex and just
commence with rubbing. It's not bad, just not as satisfying as it would be to
have him in me. Yet, I persist with this goal that I have. At one point, I just
don't care, he's so close to penetrating me, and I do want it. I suppose I just
untensed my body and positioned it in just a way that he could slide in. The
feeling is incredible, and he pushes all the way inside. Then there is this look
that comes over his whole demenor when he pentrates for the first time when
he really wants it. It's absolute. It's comfort. It's this physical release that his
whole body expresses like it's saying "thank you." Maybe it's not that. But the
way his face tenses and then relaxes and his sharp inhale of breath, it's hot.
He seems even more beautiful than he already is. Eventually, I realize that this
isn't the way to achieve my goal, and we stop. So this is how it continues for a
while. This wanting and longing and stoping and starting. We talk to
eachother during, which is nice. I know he wants to have sex, but he doesn't
want to make me do anything I don't want to do. BUT I DO WANT TO HAVE
SEX WITH HIM! But I don't "have sex with him", well in the finality with an
orgasm sense. He says that I need to make him cum. In otherwords, to keep
me from breaking my promise further and to keep him from completely
ravaging me, it is a nessecity that I take care of his penis orally. However,
there is this passion inside me that longs for him to just take me. To have
him completely direguard what I've said and just bury himself within me. I
almost want him to feel out of control as I have no control. I don't think I
could have stopped him. Partially because my body so wanted to have him
ravage me and partailly because a large portion of my mind was thinking,"
Please just take me, I won't stop you, please." However, I don't say it allowed.
So I went down on him, and then he came on my face and mouth, and I love
that feeling of having him all over me. I do feel bad that I won't let him have
all of me,yet, but I know what I want with my goal. I just hope I can make it.