Growing From Pain

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2005-01-13 05:46:09 (UTC)

Journal from 11/11/04

Today was interesting. I slept. I slept some more. Sleeping is how I’ve begun
to deal with my pain, well along with writing about it, talking about it, and
cutting myself over it. With sleep the only thing you can do is sleep so you do
it. Unfortunately, I dreamt about it the other day. When you can’t even escape
to sleep you begin to wonder where can you escape. So today I went to my
10:00 and 2:00 classes and skipped my 9 and 11. Oh well sleep was good.
Elizabeth saw my cuts today, she wasn’t pleased. But oh well her problem not
mine. I think I started to cut myself to see if it would help my pain, when it
did, I created the reason for it. I use it as a tally system. Everyday I cry over
Ryan, I cut a mark into my arm. Part of it I think is that I want to punish
myself for the crying. Another is that I want to have some control over my
pain. Having them be capable of hurting me so much, I want to make sure I
can still hurt me all by myself. Ryan and I went to dinner and Elizabeth joined
us. I felt so isolated, I kept looking at the people below. Their mannerisms,
whether or not they looked happy, whether they liked what they were eating
etc. They left after a meal of almost silence. Ryan tries to initiate conversation
but it is hard. I just started to cry after that. Which means I cut myself tonight.
7 days now. I almost wish I didn’t feel like I have to but I do. I have to stop
the pain, even if I have to hurt myself to do it. I talked to Ryan online and
saved the conversation. It was informative. Tonight, I’m in Ryan’s room with
him only at the moment and it’s nice to just sit and be with him and know
he’s there and he won’t leave me. I gave him a massage after we talked. I told
him all the things I wish I could say to Elizabeth. That she’s not deserving of
him. Why should she get what she wants just because she tried to kill herself?
Why hasn’t she told everyone about Ryan yet? Why do I have to be the one
who answers the phone when her mom calls and tell her that no her
daughter’s not there. I want to say to her that her daughters over at Ryan’s,
the man she hates room. Then I want to ask Elizabeth where she gets off
trying to think that no one should be mad at her for choosing Ryan, the guy
who was partly to blame for her being in the mental hospital and needing to
take prozac in the first place. What are they supposed to say? Oh that’s fine
Les just put us through the pain again and you too. It’s true I spent hours
listening to your shit about Ryan but you go ahead. I don’t think so. I told
Ryan all that and he apologized, and he said well I think that would start an
argument with Elizabeth but not with me. He stayed and he still cares. He told
me that the other day he wanted a good massage and an amazing blowjob,
and he thought of me. So I said I’d offer him the massage, I’d give him both if
he wanted, but I’d only offer the massage. He said he had to be good, we had
to be good. I said whose fault is that? I guess it helps to know that
occasionally, he still longs for parts of me. Maybe it’s weird, but it helps. I
wish he was with me, but maybe he will be someday. First, I’m going to fix
me. I’m going to love me. Then, maybe I can give my love to someone else.

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