Growing From Pain

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2005-01-13 05:09:16 (UTC)

An email to Ryan after finding out he wanted to date my roomate

Ryan, I'm sorry that I can't be blindly happy for you knowing what you
want. It would be so much easier. I'm sorry that I'm not a good enough friend
to just be satisfied that Elizabeth can be happy. Because I do want her to be
happy, and I do want you to be happy. I want to be the friend and the person
that I used to think I was. I wish I could be satisfied with your happiness
because my happiness is at this time unattainable and to be satisfied with
yours would be so much easier. I know you and I are just friends and were
always just friends. I swear I do. I understand that. When we were messing
around this past week, I told myself that every time, multiple times. However,
if you knew you loved her and wanted to be with her, why did you let us do
that. Why did you want to? I thought if you found someone you loved you
would only want them. How could there have been room for you to want me,
even just sexually? How long did you know you were going to do this? How
many times when I wanted to know your feelings did you hold them back? I'm
sending you the document I wrote about being with you. Please read it. But
don't feel annoyed or disgusted or anything negative because it's not meant
to make you feel bad. I don't know why I want you to read it, and clearly you
don't have to, but try to. I'm so sorry. I want you to be happy. I'll try to
contain the times I feel bad about it and the times that I'm angry and crying
for no fault of yours. You can't help the way you feel. Or the way I feel. I'm
sorry. Please forgive me for anything I've done to hurt you or Elizabeth. I'm
sorry. Rene

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