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2005-01-13 04:41:05 (UTC)

The new year

I always wanted to chart all of the stupid stuff that I
think about during the day, but I never really knew where
to do it. I am sort of looking for advice on some things
that are going on in my life and really looking for a way
that people I do not know can clue me into things I cannot
see myself. if anyone out there is interested I would be so
happy to hear your thoughts. First off my best friend has
gotten herself into some touhg spots lately and I find
myself wanting to tell her 'I told you so' and not do
anything more to help her. You see I always help this girl
and she never figures things out on her own. I swear the
only reason why she even passed some of her classes this
year is because I gave her the information that she needed
to write papers and pass her classes. The plain and simple
fact is that I have always had to work hard for things that
I wanted for myself and she seems to have been fed with a
silver spoon and had everything handed to her (on a silver
platter no less) I hate the fact that she gets everything
she wants and for once I would like for her to walk in my
shoes and see how a struggle feels like. The only way that
I see this as a possibility is if I totally leave her
hanging like she has a billion times to me, but being the
good friend that I am I just can't do it and it pisses me
off that I can just allow someone to walk all over me. The
sad fact is that I allow EVERYONE to walk all over me and
that is probably the main reason why I have had to struggle
for so long. Things just aren't easy when you are left to
pick up the pieces of so many puzzles. The thing that gets
to me the most is that guys are always walking all over me.
It makes me really angry and I hate that they always do it,
but they play the jealous card with me and I feel guilty
about hanging out with my guy friends and I ditch my guy
friends for my boyfriends. I have done it on many occasions
losing many a good friendship over one guys jealousy. The
thing is I keep falling into the same trap with the same
guys over and over again and I don't know how to control
it. I really don't know what to do about things like this
and I am so discouraged to think that I am so weak around
guys and that I could let them walk all over me. I have no
strong relationships with anyone anymore because of this
and the only good friendship I have is with a guy I am in
love with but I am affraid to tell him. I have been in love
with him for almost a year now and just thinking about him
makes me feel so much better, but I am affraid he might not
feel the same becuase he is the one who first told me that
I wear my heart on my sleeve and that was why guys take
advantage of me. He was the first honest guy I ever met and
the only guy friend that kept coming back no matter how
many times my boyfriends told me that he was bad news and
that I shouldn't be friends with him. He's my rock when
everything else falls away and although we only live 15
minutes away, I find I am lost without him near. He keeps
me together and I think he is the only reason why I have
survived everything I have been through. If you have any
insight, feel free to comment...thanks for the venting
ability you give me!

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