rantings from a broken heart
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2005-01-12 00:30:24 (UTC)

as promised the abuse story

i lied to everyone about it, hid it, i was so ashamed to
let anyone know what was actually happening to me, and i
felt bad for lying to my family and friends because they
all did have suspicions, but i eased their minds, i did not
want anyone to hurt for me or feel sorry for me because
truthfully i kind of deserved the abuse i received because
i stuck around it took it...its weird how if he had been
drunk the next day he'd apologize and he'd cry and i would
accept the apology even though i knew itd happen
again...and when he was sober he would blame me and i would
accept that as well

it was weird how when we were around others he would be so
nice and caring to me, i think that is why i thought i
could make it ok and that things would change

there were times i was on the floor beaten and broken and
bleeding and the phone would ring and itd be my mom id wipe
away my tears and beg him to let me speak to her and id lie
to her and tell her how happy i was...i felt bad but i had
to lie

there were nights that he had hurt me so badly i actually
did not want to have sex, but i would have to anyways, and
i would have to fake or he'd flip out for that too

he used to break things when he was mad too, he broke a tv
we had only had for like two days because i had not cooked
rolls with his dinner...then the next day hed pretend like
he could not remember

there were times that we werent even be in the
shower and hed come in and rip me out of the shower and
started hitting me there was once that i was in the shower
and he threw me down in the tub and ripped down the shower
curtain and covered my face and turned the water on soooo
hot it burnt really bad...

other times hed just throw me into walls and hold me
there by my throat and watch me cry for minutes on
his favorite i think though was throwing me down and
then pulling me by my hair - he used to drag me around the
room screaming and pulling my hair, then after he'd tell me
to go brush my hair cuz it was messy...every time he hurt
me if my nose or face was bleeding he'd say "go clean
yourself up, you look like a whore"...
oh and if i wore any makeup, even like a little lipstick
he would pull me to the bathroom and get a washcloth
covered in burning water and scrub my face with it and tell
me what a whore i was...even though i never did anything to
be a whore the whole time we were together

i have so many scars all over my body from him burning me
and cutting me and i have lied to everyone as to how i got
them...once when he cut my hand, it bled so bad and i had
to go to the hospital alone for that as well...

once we were in the car and he opened the door and held me
out as if he was gonna throw me from the moving car, i was
terrified...he did once push me from the car, but in a
parking lot...

i couldnt face letting everyone know how bad it
was...verbal abuse was awful too i think he put me down
more than any one else hears in their entire life...

then the worst moment of my life came jan 2004, i was six
months pregnant... when i got pregnant i said i should
get an abortion, it was not the right time but he said he
wanted it, and things would be ok wed have a family so i
believed him, then around december he said he did not want
it, by then it was too late, but one night (jan 12th) he
got really drunk and he threw me to the floor and kicked me
in the stomach over and over ....when he let me up my
thighs were covered in blood, i begged him to bring me to
the hospital but he would not so i had to ask my
neighbor...i felt like i had the strength to tell the
doctors what happened but my neighbor reminded me that if i
did do that that he would probably kill me and i know he
would i lied and said i feel down the stairs, my
neighbor said she saw it happen...
after that things were never the same i blame myself so
fucking much i hate myself for that i should have never let
that happen but i did...and i will never ever forgive
myself for allowing him to take my child away, i wish i had
been stronger, more able to defend myself, but he was so
much stronger than me ...i tried but it was now use, no i
must live with the guilt forever

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