1.11.05 Bigger Fish
First, thanks everyone for the feedback. I had people
I didn't even know existed responding to that issue. Wow.
And this entry, I guess, is kind of the sequel to
that last one. I had probably one of the most enlightening
talks of my life with my cousin today, who apparently
is/was dealing with self-discovery related issues. I've
figured a few things out, I think, but I am aware and
content with the fact that this entire process will take a
very very long time: or at least before I am to the point
in which I can share Alix Coupet with everyone and be
totally secure about it.
I also think that I am experiencing this either really
late or really early. How often do we objectively account
for who we are? My cousin and I came to the conclusion that
most people have not sat down and dealt with this issue.
All people, I hypothesize, fit into what are essentially a
few categories. Either they (A) are putting off who they
are and simply dabbling into random avenues of life, which
will perhaps one day force them to face who they really
are, (B) they have found a "crutch", so to speak, that will
prevent them from facing this reality because they are not
ready for it yet, or perhaps (C) they are in the process of
finding themselves or have already done so. I do think that
knowing who oneself is makes up for a rather critical
portion of enjoying life.
This is about so much more than fitting in. Again, I
think it is crucial that you not only know that each
experience affects you, but to also now HOW each experience
affects you. I haven't ever really kept note of that...and
yeah, I've had this diary for quite some time now. The
previous entries have been...er, i wouldnt say "WasteD",
but I've never taken the time to read and look at how each
event has affected me.
Again, call me cliché, but life can be viewed as a
super long period of self discovery, and I think it is
important to know that you are discovering yourself, at
least for people like me.
Which of course arises the question, "can you waste
life?" Because if life is just a super long period of self-
discovery, then everything you do, including every choice
you make, is not a waste, because you are, in the process,
discovering something about yourself. Even if you
discovered that you could be better managing your time,
then you discovered something, so technically it wasnt a
waste of time.
And then I guess since such a large part of our
personality is based on our surroundings and the things
that happen to us, there will also never be one standard
self. We are, of course, always dynamic, and picking up new
things and traits and such about ourselves that were
previously yet to be found.
The magnitude of this concept of life as self-
discovery, to me, is unbearable. I think that humans indeed
need to objectify things, and to let my mind dabble in this
almost makes me sick. It makes all my former conclusions
prone to error.
If you find some satisfaction in being "true to your
heart," (kudos there to tryno) then you know how important
it is to look at yourself at least every once in a while.
The passion that I think I have for knowledge becomes
absolutely hatefully frustrated when I know that in life I
can never completely define myself, because if I'm living
then I'm constantly changing.
That doesn't change the fact that so many people have
failed at dealing with this at the right time, which I
think is as soon as possible. Suicides and middle age
crises can, I believe, be resolved through immediately
being true to self. Perhaps if people would not wait until
they're middle aged to ask themselves if they were living
the way that was in their best interst, they'd never reach
such a position in the first place.
Again, though, my knowledge of human nature and my own
recent self-discovery process makes me a bit arrogant
toward my peers. I've always kind of been able to see when
someone was yet to do a self analysis, as most people are.
Ponder: there is nothing wrong with it.
First, I think, the insecurity of fitting in must be
discarded, though. Obviously you need social contact, and
to fit in. I still think that most of my peers are so
wholely concerned with this concept that they have fell
asleep on themselves as a person. Ask yourself, "am I
living like me?"
I guess I realized this a while ago, but never really
called attention to it because of tangible first hand
experience, as I can do now: these proverbial ponderings
are the questions that all religions attempt to answer.
That notion frightens me, I suppose, because I should
already have answers to these questions. My religion does
answer them for me, I just did not earlier
realize how, or, more importantly, realize who I was. Then
again, though, my confusion in identifying when I am being
sincere along with the fact that my desire to have such
knowledge about my existence scares me even more.
I now wonder if the questions that I indeed am
discussing are fair game for being discussed. Maybe I
shouldn't even be discussing this. I don't know, I suppose
time will confirm all.