overlookingyou

The Real Thing
2005-01-11 18:05:51 (UTC)

A Liar or a Saint?

I have never been more confused or torn about a person in
my life before. The golden, olden days held me at my
upmost bitchyness. I was able to say f-you to anyone who I
felt wasn't 120% for me... but now.... suddenly I grow
weak. I feel like if I cut ties with this person, my life
will grow completely dark, 12 months of winter will
surround me, and I will be lonely for the rest of my life.
I have sat for the past two weeks and thought of how much
I have changed as a person. Did I change because I felt I
was in love or did I change because I have matured over
time and this is who I am really suppose to be? I am torn
between the was me and who I am now, I feel as if I no
longer have a backbone to stand up for... that he can run
over me and use me and lie to me without consequence.

I don't know what to do.

How do you deal with a person who, when confronted that
they lied about where they were, who they are with, and
then continue to arrange future figment meetings, denies
vehemently that nothing is going on, that there are no
meetings, that there is no other person, that there is no
lies being told. The original stories start to waiver and
abruptly there is a new reason that is a 180 from the
first story told. What is a woman to believe? What is a
woman to do? I am too young to stay in a relationship that
isn't soley 200% for me, with me and about me. I don't
want to compete... I never signed up for a game. I just
want a companion that loves me for who I am, exactly, not
trying to change me over time to fit what they want or
desire. I want a person who will not betray me or my
trust. I want a person who has goals in life that lead
them on their own path. Yes, two people who are going to
be together for their lifetimes need to entertwine and
mingle their lives, but not the beginnings, the deciding
years on what they wish to do for their careers. There are
too many important decisions and studying to be done
during the young adult years that to be consumed by love,
and is only wishing for inadequate backgrounds to raise a
family.

Many people would look at this situation and say end it,
walk away, save yourself. But, I can't. I have involved my
family. My significant other resides with me, works here,
is now attending classes here. How do I end something that
does not simply involve me and him? I can't.. and I know
it. Every time there comes a point where the "old me"
comes shining through and I gain the confidence to tell
him I don't want things to be this way any longer, that I
cannot deal with his unfaithfulness, he sways me, he knows
how to control my anger, he knows what words to say to
drive me back down to submission. He is the perfect
psychologist, in the makings for the perfect abuser. If I
cannot walk away from him when he rips the very inner
beings of my soul out from me and dangles them in front of
me...... well, let's just say I know I would not have the
energy if I was to be broken physically to leave him.

I have cut ties with every person who has been there for
me as a friend, I have no idea why now, but it's too late
to run to someone and cry on their shoulder. I have no one
to speak to of anything, my mother of course, but
involving her has started to cause tension. She will
always take my side, and with my love living here, it will
start to become obvious how upset I am, and in return she
will recipricate. I don't want my parents to get
invovled... it's not their battle,

it's mine.


The last place I thought my life would lead me to is here.
I am more vulnerable then I ever wanted to place myself. I
am more confused then a sane person should be. I am torn,
lost, and hurt.

I don't know what to do.




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