Living Out Loud
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2005-01-11 05:48:15 (UTC)

fucked up love life

I have the most fucked up love life of anybody I've ever
known. I'm in love with two, count them two, married men,
and besides that I have a boyfriend that I, well, don't
really care about. And then I try to date different guys
and try to avoid other ones. arg.
So yesterday was my last day in town before heading back to
school today and I was supposed to hang out with Brian from
work. god, he's just sexy. maybe it's the bad boy thing,
maybe it's 'cause I haven't been laid in more than 2
months, but I really just wanted to fuck him and he never
called. oh well. his loss.
then i was supposed to meet up with Rob at the movies at
like 9, and so i go and he doesn't show up. so i waited
around and then i got a little upset because it was just
so, well, typical. and i felt like i was back in high
school and totally powerless. so i drove a little while and
then i went home and guess who calls at like 10? Rob. to
apologize, he had to work late. so i'm like, do you still
want to hang out? and he suggests the bowling alley, 'cause
it's open late, so we go and meet there at 11. and i don't
really feel like bowling, so we just sit in the restaurant
and talk for two hours straight. and then it closes and so
we have to leave. and we really have nowhere else to go, so
we just get into my car and drive. to charlevoix and back
and then just on some back roads. and we talked and talked
and talked and talked and reminisced and listened to old
songs of hours. and on the way back from charlevoix he told
me he loved me still and always would.
the whole night i'd wanted to tell him. i just wanted to
say, "Rob, I love you. and I'm always going to, but there
are 10,000 reasons that we can't date. we can't go back.
we're two different people now, going two different places.
yes, it was only two years, and that doesn't seem like
long, but those two years have distanced us a lot."
and this is where i finally got around to it. the first
part at least.
eventually we ended up back in the parking lot for the
bowling alley, 'cause his car was still there. it must have
been 3 in the morning. we talked and talked some more. we
talked about how we'd been in love, what happened, whose
fault it was, etc... and we had been flirting all night,
and the tension was palpable. my stomach was doing flip
flops. i wanted to laugh, i wanted to smile, i wanted to
cry, and i wanted to throw up all at the same time. i've
never been so nervous or so confused around him before.
but we were dancing around it, holding hands and touching.
and he touched my face and i moved in closer, and we just
hovered there, lips millimeters apart, for forever.
i knew he was married, and so i wasn't going to be the one
to push off. that was his decision to make, his
consequences to go over. but i wasn't helping turn away. i
wanted to kiss him. badly. finally, our lips just brushed
and that was it. we kissed.
then we made out. the next thing i knew, we were stripping
each other with the same passion we had when teenagers
(which i am aware wasn't that long ago). it was amazing,
incredible, just like old times. so much heat and passion,
and we knew exactly where to go and what to do to burn each
other up. he had the same body that i knew every inch of,
his skin was still the same. he added a tattoo though, and
when in a moment i looked down and saw it, i knew it was
perfect and more HIM than anything else. it was hot.
goddamn, was it hot.
and then finally it was over and we just laid there in each
others arms. and my hair was everywhere and i know i looked
like hell, but i sat up and looked and him and i don't
remember what i was saying, but he said, "God, I love you."
and that just broke me. i collapsed on his chest and
started crying. why did he have to say that? why must he
make it harder? goddamit, i worked so hard to be over him,
so hard to make it through, learn what i needed to and be
out the other side, to go backwards now. he can't love me
because that would make things too complicated. and i can't
love him because i already love somebody else.
he panicked when i started crying. he's like, "baby, what's
wrong? what did i do? what can i do to make you stop
hurting?" and just held me.
and then i told him that i still loved zack, and that i had
a boyfriend.
he wasn't wearing his wedding ring all day.
i've been thinking about him and about that passion that
obviously still exists between us all day long. and i've
been thinking a lot about that heat. oh wow. i haven't felt
that way, that comfortable in my own skin, in a long time...
but i am tired, as we were up until 6 this morning and i
only got 3 hours of sleep or so...
i wish he would email...