brknhrtd24

rantings from a broken heart
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2005-01-11 03:21:58 (UTC)

first entry

my heart has been broken,I feel so lost, like my life has
been forever changed and I
did not get to have any say over anything i had no choice
in the matter; it is not fair and it is not what i
wanted...i always had suspisions but never ever thought itd
really happen...i
Let me explain, i was with this guy for eight years (almost
nine years), we broke up back in febuary cuz he was lying
to me about drugs among other things, we got back together
a few weeks later...for the past few years he was so mean
to me, and i did whatever i could to try to make things
work, try to pretend i was happy, even when he hurt me
(emotionally/mentally/physically, no matter what it
was)... am beginning to feel so damn hopeless.
the abuse was terrible (ill get into it in the next entry)
...then even when we got back together in february i still
took it...i still let him hurt me, except now he was even
worse, so mean and cruel but i was blind i just wanted to
be with him; he hit me everyday, he started slamming me
against walls and choking me and screaming and yelling all
the time, he even threw me into the bathroom and i hit the
mirror and it cut my knuckles open and he made me go to the
hospital alone (he even told me the lie i was to tell the
hospital as to how it happened) i got to a point where i
did nothing but cry and pray to God that things would
change; but then things got weird and girls started callin
and he claimed it was just to buy weed, but i could not let
go of this feeling that he was cheating, and then i caught
him with a MUCH younger girl, and it hurt so bad; i would
have let him do anything except that... and at first i
wanted nothing more than to go home to him because my love
for him burned so deep i loved more than i ever knew was
possible and he betrayed me so... i could and never can
return to him, betrayal i cannot take, i never did anything
to deserve it...

he did not have sex with her, our sex life was more than
fine, thats all we had actually, we used to fuck every
night and thats all it was though it was never making love
or having sex, just fucking, the only connection we had
between us...

they were dating which in my eyes is worse, id rather if he
had just a connection of lust than of emotion... i stilll
sometimes just think i might give in and go home, but i
cannot be that weak anymore its been a lil over a month
now... i feel happy except when i am alone or here... i had
to move back in with my parents which is tough (explanation
another time)...

it was so strange how stuck i was with him
i knew in my heart for a long time that i was so unhappy,
and i wanted to leave but did not have the strength so each
day id come home and clean the house then id cook him
supper we would not speak all night or all day until hed
decide he wanted to yell at me and he would flip out then
hed apologize and wed go to bed and have sex then id roll
over and cry myself to sleep and thats the way it was every
day for months...
i cannot allow myself to go back to him...
, i am so confused... life really sucks right now, so many
unanswered questions... there is so much more to say but i
will not say it now until later


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