1.10.05 The Great Pretender
This is big for me, and something that I have wanted
to get off of my chest for a while.
I'm Alix Coupet, as you know. But that doesnt mean
what you may think it means, I don't think. Most people
affiliate me with, to go from Maslow's Hierarchy of needs,
complete aesthetic self-fulfillment. Everyone thinks that I
know who I am, and that I have an ultimately positive
outlook on life, and that I am, in general, good. haha.
"Who are you, Alix Coupet?"
Being in the stage of college interviews, the
question comes up so so much. And I have answered it so
brilliantly. As aforementioned, I have a truly God-given
talent to word my way out of anything. Right now I'm not
tooting my own horn, I'm being dead serious. I know exactly
what people want to hear, and I know how to word it to give
them complete satisfaction in...my being, I guess.
I don't know where I get my knowledge of human
nature, of learning what people's standards are, and how to
be accepted. I assume that I have subconciously mastered
the way one "fits in".
I do, however, know enough about myself to know
that my desire to fit in is limited to the essential social
contact that you must have in order to survive. Yet
somehow, I have greatly surpassed that, despite my lack of
desire to do so.
Many people who I speak with comfortably and who
know me well say that I am perhaps the most cynical and
sarcastic person that they have ever met. I've pretended to
be everything under God's sun, I've frauded so many
emotions, so much affection. I'll go as far as to say that
I've frauded the greater portion of my personality. So much
of what i do is pretend that I have trouble telling if I'm
pretending or if I'm serious.
I know that I am very lazy. I, as a result, cannot
tell where my desire to pretend derives from, or why I have
such motivation. Frankly, I am not as brilliant as I
pretend that I am. I guess that I have above average
intellegence, but I pretend to be a genius. I am only a
genius in the sense that I know people so well, and in my
communication ability. I pretend to
have a serious work ethic (at least to teachers). I pretend
to care so much about things that I dont care about. I
pretend to be interested in girls that I am not attracted
to. I have created a fraudulent Alix Coupet, at least I
think I have, and I don't even know why.
I cannot explain the extent of this act I put on.
You'd have to ask someone really close to me how good I am
at it, at faking things. My current math teacher, for
example, was "dissapointed with me" for not studying for a
math test. I've never seriously studied for a math test in
my life. Why the heck would she be under the impression
that I study? There are so many more examples. Another
example:I have, without verbally lying, manipulated
peoples'opinions about my chastity. I can successfully give
any impression that I want to. I've faked sadness and
disappointment so much that I don't know when I am really
disappointed. I don't know who the heck I am. My friends
dont know who the heck I am. My brother, who knows how lazy
I indeed am, once said "Dude, you are the most sarcastic
person I have ever met."
Perhaps I am so insecure that I feign confidence. I
don't know how accurate this is, though, as I don't know
what I am insecure about when nothing really matters to me.
If I were insecure about my success, I would do work on
time. Again, though, I know that my knowledge of telling
people what they want to do, or "BSing", if referred to
inappropriately, will get me through any immediate jam.
I've been so much of what I learn that people like that I
don't really know who I am, and what is most important to
me. I have faked so many dimensions of myself that I've
lost track of my identity, or so I think.
And most importantly, I want to know WHY! I'd like to
think that my desire for every social knowledge has forced
me to play all social roles to learn as much as I can about
human nature in general. That's what I'd like to think,
though. I don't even know if I like knowledge, and if I
like to learn. I think that I have horribly misused my
adolescence, which is supposedly a phase of self-discovery.
Perhaps pretending so much is my own method of self-
discovery, but my ability to do it so eloquently and
successfully has curtailed me from failing at what I am
not, and, as a result, has hindered me from knowing what I
am, too. I assume that I derive a certain amount of
happiness from being such a pretender, because I have no
desire to stop doing it. I would, however, like to discover
myself, and to know when I truly feel an emotion, and to
respond naturally to it.
I don't think that I care what people think very much,
or is that a facade as well? No, I think I am closer to
indifferent on other peoples opinions of myself. I have,
however, participated in few activities that I am SURE were
motivated by my own self interest. One has been my
religious pursuit, and the other has been my passion for
English and communication in general. But even my passion
to learn how to communicate could be derived from my
abaility to successfully pretend. Who
knows? I don't know when I'm being real, when I'm being
sarcastic, or what each is motivated by. I don't know who I
consider a real friend, or who is merely a pawn in my
mental game of self-discovery. I know that I have a gift,
though. Even today, I cleverly fooled my English teacher
(who is a genius) into thinking that I had spent time on a
thesis statement, when in reality I devised it 45 seconds
ago. I know what people want to hear, and I know what I
want them to think of me. What I do with this knowledge, I
guess, should contribute the most to my own self discovery.
respond to this issue if you're reading, cause I don't know
where to finish this self analysis, and I obviously need a