ABUNAI

I stab you with hot french fry!
2005-01-10 14:45:54 (UTC)

Vicissitude

Isn't the title a mouthfull? My friend, Max, wrote in her
diary about change in her life. I've been going through
some changes too. And I've also been changing some of my
views but not fully. I'm only being open to the new
concepts. I've also reclosed myself to new concepts that I
have experienced but didn't agree with. Too much dissidence
went on in my mind as I thought about them.
Also, there's something within me that became dormant when
I turned five. It became supressed as I began to become
corrupt and distracted by the petty problems I had back
then. And all those distractions and problems I had
throughout middle school, junior high, and high school
pretty much buried it. Only now have I recognized its
existance and why it disappeared. I was a tough, headstrong
little girl. If I wanted to do or say something, I'd do/say
it without giving a care in the world about what anyone
else thought (Heh, I was pretty egocentric and more
oblivious than I am now). Of course there were times when I
deserved the time outs and scolding I received. I was
extremely hyper, could never lose any energy, and was very
sensitive to caffiene (still am sensitive but can't be that
hyper/energetic anymore). If I got hurt, depending on how
big of a wound I got, I'd shrug it off (explaining why I
always got all those bruises, scratches and what not back
in the day). If I got mentally hurt I would usually forget
about it the next day (unlike now, where I have the memory
of an elephant). If someone bugged me I punched them (not
exactly a peaceful way of handling a problem but it would
get rid of it)...wait, I still punch people when I'm
annoyed. Heh, but not as hard.
Anywho, what was so special about those attributes were
that they made up the strong part of me that vanished when
I became too self-conscious about what people thought of me
and the things I would do. I became a softy, letting myself
get stepped on or made fun of by people who were no better
than me. I want that part of me back so I won't be so
insecure anymore, so I can be brave and say the things I
want to and stand up for myself and all that I believe in.
I am not sure how I'm going to dig up this part of me
that's been beneath all this crap...but, I'm sure I can do
it.




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