At night I dream about Chris, ans some times at day I think
about it. I knoe my self and I have verry truble letting go
of people, it might be a part of that. Goodbye is really a
hard world for me. I think it comes from my childhood. I
was my grandpartents at my fathers side first grand child.
They had two boys and now they got a girl grandchild. They
lived in a nother country but came as ofthen as they could.
My grandmother used to make designer clothes, so she would
make spesial clothes for me, and my grand father brught
toys and made toys for me. (or us, Karoline was born just
two months before my 2. birthday)
My grandmother who Im really close to, only have one sister
she got a girl and two boys, and I think my grandmother
envyd her for a girl, even thogh she never said so. Now her
sister her 6 grandchildren, all boys, she loves them all,
but I think she would like a girl to, because she have a
lot of family jewlvery and no one to give it to, I got some
from her, shes a really nice lady.
My grandmother now has four grand doughters and one grand
son. And she could not be happier about it. Stil she makes
me feel verry spesial. Im bot that spesial to everyone
else, Im the oldest, the one who always no matter age
should take responsibility and know better,but she stil
tells me, you`re my first grand child and I was SO glad
when you was born.
So my grandparetns came a few times a year. Mainly in the
summe, then they stayed for about two months. They came
with LOTS of presents, like it was christmas, candy and
cloths. All our friends envied us cause we had so manny
things they dont sell here. When ever we got bord we could
come to them and thay would entertain us while our partens
worked at the farm.
They gace us more toys, candy or we played cames. That was
basicly every summer about. Lot of attention and love. Then
the day came when they had to leave. I remember I always
woke up with this strange feeling. We said goodbye and I
was so sad I started crying so my grandmother cryed to
cause she did not want to leave me unhappy. Then it was
back to the times with no pancakes, no candy exept on
Satturdays, no picknics, no presents and you had to
entertain yourself most of the time..
I think thats what made me hate goodbyes, cause I was used
to losing everything.
There are on thing thats been hitting my mind. Its a small
city and we bouth live here. Wy havent we bumped into each
other lately like we used to? I would relly like to bump
into him. Just see how hes looking, say hi and how you`re
doing? Ofcourse bumping without Tommy around..
Im looking for an appartment now, for real. But it might
take some time. I want a big, nice looking, cheap and in a
special area, so I guess Im living in a dream world.
I`ve been thinking about what I want from Chris, since Im
thinking about him a lot at the moment. I dont want a
relationship with him, right now I dont want sex with him
eather. I want him in my life, but I feel I want him to be
avalible, single that is. And the impossible one: I want
him to do as he says. Not wainting when he has suggesting
we should meet for a guy who never shows up.