Jammes14

Mercury
2005-01-09 13:37:14 (UTC)

again

time now for another biannual entry. i guess it's a good
sign that i haven't been writing very often. there's no
need to. nothing's really changed, though... i just have
different ways of looking at things.

but a new technique is emerging. one that is, as i thought
it would be, painfully obvious. it's just thinking and
analyzing in a very calm, slow, collected manner. it
sounds like something i would've already done, but i
really haven't. i usually think in rapid thought, or
dramatically, or entertaining my subconscious and playing
along with it. it's as if rather than rebelling against my
subconscious, i've stopped believing in it. i shove it out
of my way, and very slowly think, like a stone. it's by no
means a cure, but it has helped me out numerous times.

socializing still isn't great. i get by without it. but
i'm still forcing myself to do it. i have hardly any
motivation for romance. i go to class, eat, go to the gym,
go to clubs, and just don't participate socially with
anyone. all my life people have come to me. people IM me.
they're always shocked when i IM them first. just my
nature. though i'm glad college has given me the freedom
to change, even though i don't take the oppurtunity.
popularity or reputations don't exist. but i still can't
get over my own self-image.

another quite fascinating aspect i discovered recently
(not sure if i've already mentioned this, i don't read my
own entries). it seems that i actually do enjoy the
company of others after i've done rigorous exercise. even
more so if we eat. the later the hour is, the more social
i am, as well. therefore, it appears the less conscious i
am, or the more relaxed i am, the less my guard is up.
there's always a constant wall between myself and others.
if i strain myself physically, it crumbles. for the next
10 or so weeks, ill be trying this out. ive arranged my
schedule so that i start about 3 hours later on mondays,
wednesdays, and fridays than tuesdays and thursdays. ill
workout in those 3 hours, then head off to writing class.
if all goes as well, ill actually talk to people
voluntarilly. there was another realization i stumbled
upon just after i came across this one, but i can't quite
recall it. along the same lines, something that made me
more social. but it was a really good formula of setting
myself up, like working out then eating then going to a
social event. something like that. ill figure it out
eventually.

since im still feeling insomniac, suppose ill write some
more. i've been getting a lot more misanthropic. i can
really feel an intelligence gap. perhaps not an
intelligence gap, more of a maturity or taste gap between
my peers and me. maybe it's just my constant demand for a
mental challenge, or my natural nonsocial behavior, but
95% of the time i really can't stand listening to my
peers. now that i think about it, the only time when i
enjoy talking to others is either when they're funny, or
mentally stimulating. or when i'm the one being funny or
wise.

humor, yeah, that's another thing. if it wasn't for the
fact i find many strange things, including my pain,
utterly hilarious, i would have been dead years ago. but
for some reason, i can't help but laugh. i laugh at my own
wandering thoughts all the time. if i had to compare it,
it'd be like laughing at a self-hating comedian, like
roger dangerfield. i feel so detached from myself, i feel
like i'm watching some disaster sketch comedy. really
depends on my mood, though. sometimes i laugh off the
small things, but sometimes they snowball into a
depression fit. haven't a serious one in years... but i'm
probably overdue for one. i learn a lot from them, and i
could probably handle one fairly easily if i just think
calmly and slowly. it's all about having just one voice in
your head. because i can have a conversation in my head
without even trying. two totally opposite viewpoints
attacking each other with no effort. not sure if that's
good or bad...

anyway, i've still got a long way to go if i ever want to
be truly happy. but i'm making progress. i remember a time
when i couldn't write without forcing myself not to hit
the backspace key. now it's effortless. next step is to be
able to draw... something that i still can't do without
abusing my eraser and trashing paper excessively. all in
good time. God has a plan. i haven't died yet. i'm not
finished with life. there's still something.