alone and adored
2005-01-08 04:35:11 (UTC)

Name of the Game

I fucking hate getting up at 5:30 am 3 days a week and
sitting on an erg for 60 minutes (let alone the 2 hours i
spend at the gym another 3 days a week)... id rather be
shot in the face. I hate sweating, I hate fucking up my
hair, I hate sports bras but most of all I hate that I cant
work for it. I have this mental/psychological/whatever
complex where by I cannot grit my teeth and pull like a
motherfucker. I must somehow, someway, somewhere cheat
myself out of making Canada Games. I just quit and pull a
split that would never be good enough. I don't know why I
just do. I never fail to fail half way through the test.
The worst part isn't even being cut from the team... it's
actually that the pressure and stress and punishing myself
is ruining my life. My marks have never been lower which
causes me to stress over getting into univeristy. I feel
beneith my team mates because my times aren't as good as
theirs and my splits arnt as low. I feel like a special
case to my coaches who modify my workout to "get me up to
par". Getting up at 4:45am to make it to the club by
5:30am kills the rest of my day which is probably why my
marks are shit. All i want to do is sleep. I bitch and
moan about this so much its driving me crazy and the
soltion? QUIT.... but I can't. Everyone expects me to do
this. I'd be a quitter and I'd let people down. On the
other hand though... I'd dont have to be cut because I quit
on my own and I can site my own reasons. I cry over this
To DO or Not To Do weekly and I'm sick of it. I just want
to get on with my normal life before rowing became the #1
pressure factor... what the fuck do I do.... either I have
an epiphany soon where I decide to bust my ass and pull
these times and block all the negative thinking out of my
trials and erg tests.. or I tell my coaches "hey look, i
cant do this anymore. I just dont have what it takes and
Ive wasted enough of your time. thanks for making an
effort "

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