my life of ruckus
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2005-01-06 07:50:10 (UTC)

what a mess.....1/6/05

well this is the start of my new journal and i have no
complete idea as what to do. me and my girlfriend of 3
years broke up about a week or so ago, i care about her
very much but i just cant be in an abusive relationship
like that, and i never will either. its completely done.
well turns out that my ex before her was back in town, not
living with her babys father. I started talking to her,
went and visited and last night(tuesday) she came on to me
and we ended up having sex. she said she wanted me around
and not as a backup. i just dont understand this type of
case. its not her baby daughter thats bothering me. It
just seems like she wants to use me as a piece of meat, or
for some ding dong. my feelings for her never went away,
they were lowered yes, but it is very capable for me to
fall back in love with her. The only problem is her
boyfriend, she tells me if it wasnt for her daughter he
would have been gone a long time ago and she really doesnt
want to be with him, but my question tonight is, well if
she really doesnt want to be with him why is she, and if
she does, than why isnt he there with her and her
daughter. i dont exactly know what to do, it would be
nice to start another relationship with her, because we
didnt fight or anything else like that when we dated the
1st time 5 years ago, i was young dumb and stupid, but now
that i am a young adult at the age of 20, i have matured a
little bit and know a little more to this so called
world. what should i do, is what i always ask myself,
should i stick around and hope something comes of it,
should i take it for what it is, meaning sex, and nothing
else, or should i just walk away from it and go on my own
way. i have no clue on what should happen. she seems as
though she is very confused on what to do , as in an
attraction to me, and also worried about her babys father,
yet he will always be in her life even if theyre not
together due to her daughter. i dont want to be around
and latch on to her, and start developing feelings, just
to turn around and learn that she took that low life
bastard that whooped her ass 4 times back into her arms.
tonight was a little weird, she was very tired, not
getting much sleep, and her daughter the cutest little
thing, wouldnt go to her mother, but sat on my lap and
just about fell asleep with her arms around me, from what
stephanie told me she never did that with anyone else but
her father. kind of scary in fact, yet if i got into a
relationship with her, then i woudlnt mind playing the lil
daddy roll after a while it would work itself out, but i
wish i could tell the future. somehow and i dont know
how. or what to get out of this, but something needs to
happen, whether she tells me to go screw myself, or tells
him to go screw himself. no matter what something needs
to be done about it. and i just dont know how to deal with
this without coming across as a total asshole. someone
please help me with this, hopefully god, i need a sign on
as what to do.