secret_something

Something Secret
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2005-01-05 07:28:24 (UTC)

my secret something

Well I haven't had a secret weblog in a really long time.
My previous secret weblong has been destroyed by their
database. Even though I love the people that are in my
life, and trust them with and through everything,
sometimes I just need something secret. I feel like don't
have anyone to vent to about certain things. Such things
as my relationship with my boyfriend, and relationships
with certain friends. I just have one of those tight
groups of friends that can't keep anything a secret. If
one person knows, everyone knows.
Right now I feel I need to vent about a lot of things. My
boyfriend, billy, whom I love dearly, is driving my
crazy. I mean that in the best way possible, since I have
no desire or intention of ever breaking up with him. But
let's just say I hope his actions change in the near
future.
For instance, he's almost 20 and he's still afraid to
say "no" to his parents about simple things as family
trips that have no real purpose to them. I just walked
him out to his car, as I always do, and I noticed
something was wrong. I asked him, and he said "bye". I
leaned over to kiss him, and he sort of shrugged it off.
I, being the most patient girl friend in the world, acted
like nothing in the universe was wrong and said "goodbye"
and "I'll see you tomorrow".
Let the record show that, five minutes ago, he was fine
and smiling and showering me with kisses.
It seems as though every thing about men dislike about
women is as such with him. Only I'm the one that has to
deal with it, the one that should be dealt with myself.
It's insane how much I care about him. It's insane how
much I'm really willing to go through to keep him. But
I'm not one to put up with abuse and a few things have
been borderlining as abuse. I don't think he realize it
hurts me, or if he does, he apologizes as if there's
nothing in the world he could do to change how he acts.
Perhaps I should write him a letter explaining this,
because whenever we talk in person he gets upset and makes
it his problem, and such a problem that I have to console
him about it. "No, Billy, I didn't mean it completely.
You're great, and you're not doing anything wrong."
It all sounds very cheap, and I feel cheap saying it. I
try to be selfless in all things, but there comes a time
when if both parties aren't being selfless a certain
flavor of trust is lost. It's rather frightening to think
about. Rather painful, as well.
I don't know what to do. I've lost a sense of balance, if
I ever had that sense to begin with. One of his isn't
playing his or her part. I'm trying very hard, and I
can't see how he wouldn't be able to see that. Sometimes
I don't feel like he's trying very hard, no matter how
much mental anguish I know he's going through. Sometimes
I just want to say "Be a man" or "I don't know how you can
change, but you better figure it out yourself or you might
just lose me." Or other dramatic lines I've heard in
movies. In real life they wouldn't be quite as
affective. I know he'd do something rash.
All of it gives me a headache. Like one of those stupid
jigsaw puzzles.
I've got many complaints. Every one of which I feel
guilty for having. Every one of which I want burn away
and forget the ashes.
But right now... they still remain.


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