The Real Thing
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2005-01-05 05:18:34 (UTC)

A First For Every Thing

Every morning I awaken and I feel as if I've kept right on
dreaming a nightmare. Why would I want to continue living
a life I have no happiness or desire for? I have a loving
family. I had wonderful friends, but of course, with time
comes seperation and distance. I have a to-do list:
college, career, a family of my own. But I'm stuck. I have
no idea what the idea of applying myself actually means.
I've worked in retail since I was 15. School has always
been a breeze for me. I cannot remember the last time I
had to sit down for more then an hour to complete a math
or english assignment. College, though I spend a little
over an hour, I still do not feel a challenge. I wake up,
sit through class and then pass with an A. Do I feel
grateful? Slightly. Do I feel like this experience will
benefit me later in life? Probably not. Besides the
obvious; obtaining a degree and having this simple piece
of paper slide me a couple of names up in the list of
applicants later on down the road. Is that worth $100,000?
Ha... laugh, but I'm not joking. The scariest part of my
day is when I suddenly am left to ponder my future. I'm
scared. I'm worried. I'm confused. I have repeatedly
thought through the process of what I need to accomplish,
in what order, what it will lead to, and then.... nothing.
I lose it. I have no idea what I will do, where I will be,
who I will be with, why I want any of it... I panic. I
suddenly draw up into a depression that portrays an
attitude and negative personality until my mind overcomes
this day-mare and I find a ray of light that shines
through my bleak and dark realization and remember
something that I am happy to have in my life now and what
it could become... Justin. For the past year he has been
my anchor. My ray of light. My love.

It took me so long to trust him. To love him. To accept
him into the most darkest parts of my life. But just when
I have come accustomed to him... to accept him for how he
accepts me... I choke... I question everything all over
again - including him and his committment and his love. I
question his faithfulness, his loyalty, his love, his
desire, his respect. I pull myself back to square one,
scared that he will hurt me worse then any person has been
able to do. He has reached further into my being, my soul,
my mind then any other male or female. To question him is
one thing... to feel he will hurt me, intentionally or
not, but the thought that will leave me, discard me, throw
me away like a piece of trash that he no longer needs or
wants breaks me into pieces.

I have pondered the idea of what I would do if something
was to happen between us.... to cause us to not be able to
be together any longer, and I freeze. I cannot see myself
recovering from him. To see myself alone... or happy.

I recently heard a funny blurb... one mate to the
other, 'have you ever had a relationship not end in a
break-up?'... his response... 'no, but it only takes one'

I want the ability to fast forward to the end of my life
just to know if all of the decisions I am making now were
worth it. If all the pain, all the happiness... if all of
it was worth calling it MY LIFE when I'm accepting death.

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