gothic witch

gone with the sin
2005-01-04 23:34:48 (UTC)

flickers

FLICKERS


Here I would like to address some smaller or bigger things
that mean a lot
to me, that have ultured my life in a way, and left a
memorable mark.
The first story is really long, but it?s really important to
me that u all
read this, whoever u are. If u don?t have time now PROMISE
u'll come back
for it later! The rest u can just scroll thru and read what
u think u'd
wanna know.


~ religon

this is the first thing I'd have to point out, mainly
because this is
something about me that most people just can't swallow or
understand, no
matter how much they want to, and I have recently found out
that even some
of my friends just can't get it...
Religon, isn't God or Church or something many people
believe in and so it
becomes real, it's not a fairytale ur supposed to worship,
it's not a title
u name when this subject is mentioned. It's much more
complecated then
that! I have tried so hard so many times to explain what
this actually
means to me, and each time I failed. I'll give it another
shot now.
Spirituality is just something inside of u. It's much bigger
then life or
death, then waking up in the morning having a wonderful day
and going to
sleep again, it's much further above beyond dreams and
thoughts. It's ur
mystical side, it's ur mind and soul embraced in one. It's
something that
inlights u. In this modern world barely anyone is left that
has a developed
spiritualiy and is truly religious. I happen to be one of
the people that
just have that in them. Religion is what ur spirituality
looks like in a
written and told form. It doesn't matter if ur one in a
million believing
in a sertan religion, for u the others just don't exits or
matter 'cuz ur
heart is traped in the gentle paws of ur faith.
Once upon a time I fell in love with Wicca. I can't explain
why, I can't
explain how ?-I just did. I?m sorry if u can't understand it
or see it thru
my eyes. I'm sorry if I turned out different then u expected
me to be - but
I just did. I know now without a doubt in sight it's in my
blood. I was
born to be this way. Wicca has thought me many things, and
above all to
love myself. Yeah I'm this really difficult and complecated
girl, but I
can't help loving the way I am and not wanting to change for
anything or
anyone. Don't get me wrong, I can give everyone exactly what
they want from
me, but still it'll be a game and deep inside it'll still be
me laughing at
u for thinking u?ve managed to turn me around. U can't. I
don't know how it
is that I just love Wicca so much that when someone starts
telling me it's
impossible or stupid I feel like they're stabbing me thru my
heart. I don't
know how it is that it just is real for me, that it's there,
that I can
feel it, taste it and smell all around - in the air, in the
earth, in the
fires of ourselves and in the water. I don't know how it
came to the point
that I would be ready to sacrifice all I know and even give
my life for
protecting what I think is real and right. The Nature and
it's powers, it's
beauties, it's simplicity is just in me and in everything I
see. Spells and
rituals aren't anything like anything u can see in a movie
or read in a
book. U can't make things out of thin air, magick isn't what
u think it is!
Magick is will! That's all that is! A ritual isn't lighting
candles and
dancing around frantically chanting and summoning who -
knows - what sorta
forces or bullshit. It?' just like meditation, it's as
simple as lighting a
candle and imagining stuff happening. It's just calling upon
positive enrgy
from urself. It's just like a prayer, nothing more and
nothing less.
Spirituality is just a part of me. It's in my name, in my
birth number, in
my zodiac, in my stars, in my cards - I was born this way
and I can't help
myself. It's something that is a big part of me and I'll
treasure it
forever. People get really confused, mainly because I'm a
gemini - that's
also something I can't posibly help. I have two sides - but
they're not
opossite. Far from it! They're just a bit different, and
they make me who I
really am. Only a few people know me as a whole, see the
both sides of me
in perfect balance and understand them. It's not that I
don't let people
in, it's just that they get lost and confused and then run,
or they just
can't see one of the other sides! There's the goth in me,
the true gothic
soul. Toying with my inner darkness, drowning in beautiful
sorrow. Bleeding
into depression when it comes, draining everything from it
and turning it
into art. Being different from others and just loving the
way they stare,
having a sly smile, being secreteve and mysterious. Finding
beauty and joy
in morbid song lyrics, horror movies and dark poems and
tales. Loving being
rapped in black and just simply being on a cliff of agony.
That gives me
life, not death as it would to most people. Then there's the
other one. The
one concelaed in spirituality. Seeing everything completely
realistic and
whenever something is the way it doesn't profit me seeing
the best way to
fix it. Never letting things out of my control, always at
the drivers seat.
The one prepared for naything to achiev her goal, always
shining with
strenght and positivity thru the black dresses. Finding the
core to every
problem, seeing the answer in every question, spotting the
light in every
darkness of the world and making it grow around me to my
benefit. Helping
whoever I can however I can. Sharing the joy of nature and
the love of
wicca in any given situation. These two sides complement
eachother. They
still have my fitures and are in love with the same things.
They?re not the
same, but they are far from oposite even tho it may seem so
when put like
this on paper. This is why sometimes I see myslef as poison.
..
See, sometimes
I meet people that have the goth in them like me. We dance
around in
blackness together, but they don't get to know me that well.
And so, they
follow me in my little game of sin in life and they fall. I
never fall. I
can't. I tried but I can't 'cuz of the realistic strong me.
She reaches out
the hand to the darkling and says: where the hell do u think
ur going?! I'm
not done yet, there's still so much left to do in this world
u ain't going
to the next! And so I remain, alive, whole and still being
me while that
other person falls under the shadow of pain 'cuz they
couldn't control
they're game. They couldn't cope with being some1 other
people stare at and
they couldn't cope with being a "sinner" and doing
"forbidden" stuff and
still stick around normal. Not everyone can be wild, have
fun, embrace the
darkness and be a vampire at night and them wake up
tomorrow, go to school
and get all As, hehe. That's just who I am.
So u see, my spirituallity is something keeping me alive,
something shaping
me as a good person, not letting me become a real evil goat
gothic bitch as
some of u call me out of a joke. It's really difficult to
understand but
that's how it is. Wicca is real to me, religion is very
important to me,
and these two sides of me are my world. If u know me u know
I'm a kind and
caring person, that I can't sleep at night after having a
fight with
someone or after doing something distructive. U know I dream
the shit I
make until I fix it, and that I feel sorry after I scream
out at my mom for
being so fucking nosy about my life, lol. I'm not all that
bad, nor am I
all that good. I tried to put my heart and soul now on this
cyberspace
paper, just so I can explain to u that my spirituality is
something
exptremly cruical in who I am. So don't say merry Christmas
even when u
mean well, 'cuz that doesn't exist for me. Don't tell me I
can't be wiccan
'cuz I?m one of maximum a hundred in this whole country. If
u don't like
what u heard here just don't tell me anything at all. Take
the best out of
me and we'll both be very happy. That's all I have to say.

And don't aks why it is I'm writing all of this! Something
happened today
which made me think I should put this down black-and-white
once and for
all. That's all I'm telling ya.


~ cate tiernan

Cate Tiernan was born on july 26th 1961, in the astro sign
of leo, in the
city of New Orleans, Louisiana. She is a writer and the
single mother of
two daughters, and apperantly has a problem with teaching
her cat not to
sit in front of the computer screen hehe. She probably has a
more or less
normal life, well as normal as we writers can be *wink*.
Still, she left a
huge mark in my life, probably even bigger then she?ll ever
know.
It was two summers ago when Iva, one of my best friends who
unfortinatlly
had to move to croatia 'cuz her dad became the ambassador,
brought me Book
Of Shadows by Cate Tiernan. It soudned really cool and when
I read the
little sneak preview text on the back of the covers I
thought this was
gonna be just a nother brilliant fantasy story. I actually
remember it was
about eight pm when I sat down on my bed and took the books
into my hands
and started reading it. It was a few chapters later that I
found myself
amazed ... this was NOTHING like I thought it would be! It
was
just
astonishing! It was a reality story, a real life of a
tipical
sixteen-year-old girl, and it was slowly getting embroiderd
with magick! I
read on and on and found myself surving and emotional
rollercoster. The
book was written thru the perspective of the main character
- Morgan, so it
seemed like she was the one telling the story and there for
was really
personal and emotioanl. I lived thru every single feeling of
shock, stress,
love, tension, disbeliefe, gratitude, horror and relief with
her. I found
myslef atually yelling " oh god, ur so stupid!? or stuff
like "bitch!" at
sertan points and getting all into it to a ridiculus level.
Of course it
was needless to say that I didn?t drop the book until I was
done. I
finished it around two in the morning. I shut the book and
slowly put it
down on my lap. I looked around and just then I realised
where I was - I
wasn't in Widows Vale, I wasn't Morgan, I didn't just get
kissed by a hot
witch guy. I was in my room, the air was still and it was
suffocating. But
I didn't care, 'cuz I was now just overwhelmed and
analizying what the hell
just happened to me. I know it sound ridiculus, but I will
never ever
forget what sort of an impression this book left on me! It
was like nothing
I had ever read before - it was magic and fantasy but it was
written so
real that it made me go insane! It semt so very real, so
very possible! It
was an amazing story, great writng style, explosive mix of
reality and the
super-natural, it was just... perfect. I couldn't fall
asleep
for a while
and I stared out at the moon feeling so lost and so
confused, but in a
beautiful way. The moment I woke up the next morning I
phoned iva and told
her she has to read it. She first said she doesn't have the
nerve for it
but I went on yacking about it so much thru the day that she
wanted to kick
my ass and took it just so I would shut up. The next morning
she phoned me
and said " ok ur right, I spent all night thinking about it
too! " Then we
figured out it was a book series actually, called Wicca in
the UK edition
and Sweep in the original US version. When she went back to
croatia she
bought more books, and she's been bringing me all the
sequeels.
It's needless to say that Cate Teirnan is my fave author,
but she's more
then that. I read Book Of Shadows fifteen times, and
counting (sick I
know, but what can I do?!) By the second time I read it I
had almost the
same overwhelming impression, and it doesn't seem to fade
even now. I knew
very well then that this is what I wanted to do - to write
something that
would make someone feel this way as well. I knew I wanted to
be a writer
even before that, but now I realised I wouldn't stop before
I get to touch
someone this deep as ms Tiernan got to touch me.
Somewhere in september 2004 I sent Cate Tiernan an email.
Honestly I though
it was lame to do such a thing. Even tho on the website it
said that she's
really busy but will try to answer mail as fast as possible,
I thoght she
wouldn't even bother reading most of them. The woman's got
a life, she
doesn't have to sit around reading piles of fan mail!
Therefor, I wrote the
shortest email I could that would say what I wanted it to -
the she is my
idol and that I look up to her for making me feel so many
things thru a
single book. One or two months later I got an email back! It
was amazing!
She was so sweet and said that she?s glad she touched
someone so far away
and all sorts of other stuff. It was, of course, and amazing
thing for me!
I was so happy! How many people in the world actually get a
respond from a
person they truly admire?! By writing a simple reply to my
simple email she
made another impact in my life. She gave me even more will
to continue
writing and even more reason to think that she?s simply the
greatest writer
ever! I will really never forget this. So a big thanks to
Cate, wherever
she is! I always thought that u are an important person and
not a complete
waist of air if u change someone, touch someone, ulture
someone's life. She
really did that for me and I hope she knows that there are
tons of others
who she must have inspired as much as she did me and that
that makes her a
better and bigger person then she can imagine she is.


~ socks

Ok, ur probably really wondering how socks can change some1s
life, but when
ur around me anything is posible, lol.
It was three summers ago, as I recall, that I was really
unhappy with
myself. I hated the fact people would look at me and think
they know me,
and then either treat me like I was any other stupid blonde
( yeh I was
naturally dark blonde before the red hair...), or like what
they think I am
and then when they get to know me get all shocked and think
I'm a complete
freak! I hated being a perfect little thing - being a cute
little girl in
pink, good student liked by teachers, in a surrounding of
smiles. I also
hated the way people couldn't handle the fact that I was in
fact different
from them, that they didn't know me. I tried my ass off to
explain to them
that I don't care about britney sprears or fashion and that
romantic movies
make me sick to my stomach! They wouldn't ever guess that I
love reading
and that writing is my life, that I love horror movies,
spending ages
online and freaking out on loud music when I was home alone.
They all had
this other image of me in their minds and it was ages after
they knew me
that they began to see the real me. I also hated the fact
that other people
that were so much like wouldn't even give me a second
thought 'cuz I looked
like the perfect little thing I?m not, like a tipicall girl.
It was that
last month of school that everyone was annoying me beyond
boundries and I
decided to show them what I really am. I wasn?t gonna lie
anymore, I wasn't
gonna be afraid to show everyone who I actually am. Back
then, seeing as
this country is sooo far away from everything, I didn't know
that the term
gothic existed. In my mind I held an image of a perfect
girl. She had long
black hair, a mysterious smile on her face, a corset-like
black shirt, a
belt with chains and all sorts of metal stuff, a pentagram
around her neck
and black leather pants. I thought that was punk too, just
black, so I
started going in that direction. That summer I transformed
into a complete
punk. I mean, u couldn't get more punk then I was then. I
loved the way
people would be talking like, omg what's happened with her?
and stuff like
that. It all seemed like a pretty neat game at the time. I
guess I always
just loved to shock. Still, I was going blacker and blacker
and blacker. It
took me a while to stumble across a site talking about
what's goth. I think
it was a site of this girl called ivy lejoel, or something
like that I
really don't remember. She was ivy in any case, that state a
few things
about goth and the way goths explained what they are like in
they're own
words. I was a bit shocked 'cuz that was what I was feeling
all along! Then
I knew the girl from my head is a goth. I also then figured
out that me
benig punk is a lie too. I don't care for anarchy and I
don't like looking
quit that cheery nor am I a fan of violence and getting
drunk and hi
everyday. I was more of a darker and peacful soul. Of course
parents hated
goth and then shit came along 'cuz they thought I was in a
sect because of
black clothes and whatever but anyway I totally went off the
sock topic,
lol, sorry I got a bit carried away...
Anyway, as I was saying, it was that summer that my
transformation started.
From that period in my life people would look at me and get
a pretty good
idea of what I'm like - if they like it they'll talk to me,
if they're
missy perfect brainless blonds- they'll run away from me
thinking I'm gonna
kill 'em. This was perfect. All I wanted was to be as near
to what I am on
the inside, on the outsdie. I remember going shopping and
buying gray
chucks and pale blue- orange - dark red stripey socks. Those
were my first
ever stripey socks. Together with a black shirt, proper
jewlery and an army
skirt, this looked perfect. Those socks were the first
offical anti-fancy
thing I bought. They marked the beginning of a new life.
They symbolised
my ressurection after being dead for a while. It sounds
silly, I know, but
they have such sentimental value... They are the beginning
of
something new,
of something different, of something that is just so me. Of
course, now so
many months later they are all worn out, torn at the heel
and I haven't
worn them in ages, but I kept them in my closet as a
reminder. They were
close to my heart and i loved them like nothing before. They
were just
something so very special to me, something I would never
ever throw away.
Well, something I would never ever throw away but a week ago
my mom was
cleaning out my closet (not that anyone asked her to!) and
found them, saw
their terrible condition and threw them in the trash!!! Do u
know how upset
I was?! Nothing can ever ever ever ever replace those socks,
their meaning,
what they were to me! I actually cried for like 20 mins
then! I'm still in
moarning, and that's why I dedicated this little bit to
them. My heart is
always urs, oh fair socks, in which ever dumpster u are...
lol




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