poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2005-01-04 18:55:52 (UTC)

Never so grim

Chantelle and I both cried a little last night at the
realization that we are most likely going to lose our
apartment ... she said not till it became so real did it
make her feel sad ... but it's true, you never know what
you have till you don't have it anymore.

I'm frightened more than anything. I mean, Chantelle said
she overhead my father on the phone one day when she was
there and he was very angry and screaming about 'them'
taking his paycheck for the past few months. Apparantley,
it seems my father's having some trouble with the IRS tho'
exactly WHAT who knows ...

So for us to move in there would definitely be more of a
hardship on him than I initally imagined.

What's going to happen to us?

I may not have a lot, but it's all I've got and it's
mine. My space, my place, my stuff ... and I've worked
hard to keep it ... to maintain a sense of protection and
security for my daughter ... tho' it hasn't always been
the most stable of situations through the years, we've
always had our home ... till now ...

and I'm trying very hard to keep my chin up tho' the tears
threaten to rush forth ...

All I know is that after I file my response today we will
have at least 30 days before we're out on the street,
maybe a little more if we're lucky, so we're going to have
to start packing no matter what ... and what am I going to
do with our stuff if we don't find a place ... and if we
have to move to Arizona, how will I get my car there and
what will I do with all our things? Our furniture,
appliances, etc. Will I have to sell everything?

Oh God this hurts to talk about, write about ... it hurts
more than anything I've ever gone through ... I mean the
last time I lived in a motel on welfare was when Chantelle
was 3 months old. I'd never had my own place before ...
but now I've got an apartment full of stuff that I've
accumulated through the past 12 years ... what will become
of it and what will become of us????

Have I not been humble enough through my life, always
acknowledging God in everything ... even if I have not
lived the most saintly life, have I not been a generally
good person??? I don't understand. God brings us down in
order to get our attention ... but have I not had enough
tough times, hurdled enough obstacles in my 37 years? I
just don't get it ... and it's certainly not fair, tho' I
know NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR ... and there other
people who have it worse. Nonetheless ... (and not to be
selfish) I can only live for myself right now, I don't
have anyone rushing to my rescue ...

well ... enough said ... I'm trying hard to focus on one
thing at a time, but it's all just so incredibly
overwhelming ...

GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GRANT ME THE COURAGE TO CHANGE
THE THINGS I CAN ... THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I
CANNOT AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE .... THANK
YOU AND AMEN




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