HeartOnFire

Living Out Loud
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2005-01-04 17:41:48 (UTC)

the future is no place

the future is no place to place your better days..

dammit, this makes no sense. for having as many guys as i
do hanging from a string (i don't mena to brag, but
there's Zack, Bob, Brian, Erik, Nick, Jeremy, Rob, and
Jericho), I'm fucking horny and I can't get laid. arg.
Bob's, well, not ready. not for a looooooooong time.
Zack's in Alaska (and is married), Nick's in Iraq, Erik's
married, Jeremy's got a girlfriend and I couldn't imagine
sleeping with him anyway, Rob's married (and that would be
too weird), and Jericho's gay (well, I don't know what's
going on with that). Shit. Almost half those guys are
married. I'm fucked up.
I was supposed to hang out with Brian this morning (read:
FINALLY get some) but the lazy bastard hasn't called yet.
For having chased me for two years, I don't know how
obvious I need to be -- CALL ME AND YOU WILL GET LAID!
arg. fucking hormones. back to homework.

oh well, before I go, I talked to Zack this morning. I
miss him. I really do. He was talking about how he's
talked to Kim about separation and how it's not going to
happen until she graduates, 'cause he doesn't want to
cause all that stress on her while she's taking tests and
trying to graduate and all that, and how when he goes to
Iraq, he knows exactly how he's going to spend his R R
time -- anywhere I am. but i am scared. i am afraid i
won't live up to whatever he's expecting me to be after so
long. and i'm afraid he won't live up to my expectations
either.

so the breakdown goes:
Bob -- boyfriend. he's sweet as hell and a great
companion, but it's totally out of sight, out of mind. and
he's too innocent, i can't do anything with him for fear
of spoiling him -- i've ruined too many good Catholic boys
at ND already.
Zack -- I don't know. I love him and I miss him, but I'm
am trying, for my own sake, to get over him so I can live
when he's not here and not waste away pining over somebody
who I won't have. And I'm afraid of getting back together
(or getting together in the first place, I guess).
Nothing's happening here for at least a few months.
Rob -- the ex. I'm finally satisfied. I always will love
him. I've missed him, and he hasn't changed a bit. Eating
with him was a good idea. Some closure finally. I wish we
could be friends, but I think Kim is going to preclude
that. There's no way in hell I could ever date him again
though. There's so many reasons why not. But I'm glad to
finally feel allright about it.
Erik and Brian -- they're combined. The cooks at work, and
the guys in my fantasies. They got me caught in the walk-
in the other day and turned the lights off so it was all
dark and there were hands everywhere and me trying to
struggle (but not really) SUCH a fucking turn on. oh shit.
calm down.
Nick -- the weird guy. i just kinda feel bad for him. i
met him last january, skiing with Curb and we hit it off,
because he reminded me of Zack. we spent a few days
together, and then (well, this isn't going to make me
sound like any more of a slut than any of the rest of this
is) to put it bluntly, he had a really big dick and i
wanted to see what it felt like, so i slept with him. bad
idea. he's also one of those clingy types, and now i don't
really know how to get rid of him politely. he's in the
army in iraq.
Jeremy -- no way. another cook at work. we flirt, and i
know he thinks i'm cute, but i just can't imagine it.
Jericho -- my best friend. who's also gay (I think). he's
also professed many times being in love with me. and
honestly, he's got a fantastic body, but i don't think i
could sleep with him. it would just be too weird. that and
the gay thing.

ok, for real now, homework...


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