HeartOnFire

Living Out Loud
2005-01-03 14:47:56 (UTC)

Live like you were dying

He said I was in my early 40's,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the
real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,

[Chorus]

I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Blumanchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.


Oh god. I'm trying to get ready for work and I'm bawling
my eyes out over this song. It's so right. So right.

So New Year's Eve I got drunk at work. They had a
champagne toast and I had lots of champagne. Which was
fun, but I'm lucky as hell I didn't get caught. And I
decided to take the garbage out (sort of randomly) and I
knew that something funny was going to happen when I did
that. I just had this feeling, right? Well then guess who
I ran into in the alley in the back? Rob. He was just
getting off work and coming in for a drink. So I said that
we had to talk before I left and gave him my cell number.
Then I met him inside and we talked and drank for a little
while before Kelly saw me drinking and I decided I had to
take off, and he gave me a ride home. we were supposed to
meet for breakfast the morning after, but I overslept, so
we didn't meet until yesterday morning, which was
interesting. I overslept again so I was late and I didn't
get a chance to shower and get dressed, but I threw on a
tshirt and jeans and went.
It was an interesting meeting. We didn't talk about too
much serious stuff, just talking. He's the same as always.
When he kept saying "yooon-stoo" instead of "used to" the
way he always had, I couldn't help but smile. And he
remembered little things about me, too. I used to get
annoyed when people pronounced Italian I-talian. Well,
whatever, I can't write it, but when they'd say it wrong
I'd get annoyed, and he always used to say it the wrong
way. He told me that he catches himself saying it my way
now. I think that's telling.
I'm not going to lie, it was comfortable and tempting to
fall right back in where I left off. It's something about
the old familiar feelings. I still love him. I'm always
going to. But there are 10,000 reasons I can never date
him again. But it was good to catch up. I miss him. I
really do. And this is unnerving, because I've tried so
hard for so long to put him entirely behind me. It's scary
how quickly it all comes back. I still know every inch of
him and the way he is. But maybe this is what I need for
closure or whatever. Maybe I need to do this with Zack
too. Just meet him one more time to put myself over it. I
can't date Zack anymore either. I just need to turn around
and face forward again.




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