scarredxfears

Insomniacs United
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2005-01-02 19:11:51 (UTC)

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Well my friend is pissed at me and for what I think is a
really stupid reason. I don't even remember how, but we got
onto the topic of weight and she flew off the handle. Is it
wrong to want to look nice? The media doesn't seem to have
a problem with it. What is the saying? You can never be too
rich or too thin? Well I am definitely not rich, so I am
trying to settle for the thin part of it. The problem is,
no one really seems to think that I need to lose any weight.

However, I know my body and I do believe that I could stand
to lose a few pounds. It is not like anyone ever really
takes notice for me, so why should I care what others
think? When is the last time they called me or the last
time they invited me somewhere? They haven't. They have no
right to tell me what to do, or how to live my life. I have
been battling with my weight since 6th grade. I am now a
junior in highschool.

I think that the problem was that being thin, to me, was
the only thing that I was good at. I suck at sports, I
can't sing, capable but incapable of playing a musical
instrument, and people always thought that I was a loser. I
loved to read, I don't see why this should bother people,
but apparently it did. Just because I didnt play any
sports, this seemed to cause problems with others. So in
time, when I realized that I weighed less than the other
bitches that made my life hell, I began to feel slightly
better about myself. It was something that I had, and
others did not.

When I got into highschool, I felt like I had to keep my
weight low. I always wanted to see people from my old
school and look perfect, thin and happy. I wanted them to
feel like I was better than them, that they couldn't hold
anything over me. In time, I realized that instead of
trying to find them, I would be better off if I ignored
them. That is what I do now. If I see anyone from my old
class, I ignore them. I pretend that they don't exist, and
in a way they don't. I won't let them.

So back to the problem at hand...my weight. I currently
weigh under 100 pounds, and for that I am happy. However,
others are not. But you know what, I don't really care.
When people saw on my license that I weigh 96 pounds, I was
proud of it. I was so damn proud of myself. But now, I've
been indulging myself on all of the food that I can
consume. Thank god that break will be over soon.

How sad is that, to want Christmas break to be over? Well,
I am not sad for the most part. I'll be able to go back to
school, raise my grades, skip my lunches to go to the
library or the computer center instead. I won't have to put
up with the temptation of food, and it will be great.

Until Christmas break is over, I think that I will continue
to stuff my face, I don't deserve it, but whatever. I don't
have a boyfriend at the moment, so I am not trying to
impress anyone. Alright...that's all for now. Until next
time you have been listening to a disgruntled insomniac
with anorexic tendencies.


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