X is my secret.
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2005-01-02 03:00:38 (UTC)

Where am I?

So I'm trying to find myself. As many of the people who
have read my profile know. I can't believe what an ex-
boyfriend can do to someone's thought process. But here's
the thing. Why do I care? Why does it matter to me what
Matt does. . hell what Sam does . . .with his life? I know
that I'm not getting together with them again. I want John
with a passion. . . and I have a certain fondness for Brad,
also. The only problem I have is that I have no stable
support system. My father tends to change his mind, or tell
me to do what I feel like doing. But I don't need that. All
my life it's been instilled that I can be whatever I want
to be, that's what society says, my family wasn't exactly a
LARGE contributor to the idea, but they did some.

Now is the pertinent time to see how strong this American
ideal really is. I am in college, I am on my own, I have
freedom, I am an adult. Now is where I have to decide. I
can continue my High School notion of following the "prince
charmings" that keep popping up in my life. Or just choose
a path that's going to make ME happy. Although it may not
involve who I want in it. I may have to give some things
up. Here is the thing though, I think. . .no I know that
part of that making me happy, will involve travel. I need
to get out there. I want to see the world. I've already had
a taste and now my mouth is watering for more. Like that
wonderful Spicy Sour Soup. Once I had a taste of it, I
could never the succulance out of my senses.

I want to have fun, I want to be the one with great stories
for my children, grandchildren, etc. If there is an etc.
;-) Which I hope there is.

Dang dad taking pictures. Weirdo.

Anyway back to thinking.

Another thing I need to figure out is what guys see in me,
and what seems to override that. I seem to attract
wonderful men, but then they always end up finding
something so . . .repulsive? . . .no. . unbarable. . about
me that they can't seem to bare being with me. Either that
or, there is the one explanation that every girl dreams of.
That they still like me, but are just afraid of committing,
the one that says, they still like me, and that is why they
avoid me, or can't bare to be alone with me anymore. Hell,
I know I'm still attractive to them, I know, I would rather
not share how I know, but I know.

I have wanted to be a stripper before, or an "exotic
dancer". But the ironic (correct context?) thing is that I
also miss my innocence. Sam made a comment that a person
doesn't yearn for their innocence, they yearn to lose it
again. Well I don't know if that's neccessarily entirely
true. The thing about Sam, is that he tends to broaden
things. A person's feelings can't be that easily
categorized. Yeah I yearn to lose it again, but right now I
yearn to just have it. To be the naive one, the one that
still can't stand the presence of boys in my vacinity,
otherwise I get nervous quiet and sweaty. I want to go back
to the girl who would never have this much SEX DRIVE and
would never be pushy about getting ass. Or anything for
that matter.

I want to go back to the one who could just be a friend
with a guy, without worrying about how attractive they
thought I was. I mean, look at me and Brad. I really didn't
ahve to know if I was attractive or not, but bc I like him,
I had to know what he thought, I had to know I wasn't the
odd ugly girl that he hangs out with. . .i dunno. . .out of

I think that part of the yearn for my innocence back is due
to my low self-confidence. I can't stand the thought that a
person could like me, think I'm attractive. I just can't
help thinking that they are not their voluntarily. It
always scares me that it is all pity, or just boredom.
AKA "I have nothing else to do, no one else to see, no
where to be. I'll just hang with Mistin, I guess. *Sigh*"