softball star
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2005-01-01 19:49:06 (UTC)

my new year

Geez, my new years sucked like crap! So I had it all
planned that I would go with my friends for a little while
and then come home early so I can bring in the new year
with my baby Andy Ray. Well he told me that thats what he
wanted too. So yea when I was so excited when I went to
call him, but seemed that he had other plans. There was a
lot of drinking going on and laughing. We started to argue
and I just hung up on him. Its so stupid, I hate it when he
drinks. And it seems like the only time he cries is when he
is drunk. My new years sucks ass big time, because of Andy.
I tired of him always making me cry, because he decided to
get drunk that day. Its always something that I do wrong,
always. And I cant explain it to him, because he'll just
argue more. It doesnt bother me that he goes out and drink,
HEY go and have a hell of a time while we're still young. I
just dont like the way he treats me afterwards. Last nightI
tried to break up with him. He wouldnt let me. I dont know
how much longer I can take this. Its the same thing every
time, he's always wanting to know what i am doing, why am I
doing it. What do am I suppost to do when Im with my family
or friends and he starts yelling at me, how do I handle it?
How? I feel so stupid sometimes, because I just give in so
easly I dont want him mad at me. Then "they " always say
you shouldnt take that crap from him. Its not like that all
the time, usually he treats me with so much respect and
love, and I would do anything for him. But, I just dont
think I can hear another...This is the last time I promise.
How are you suppost to raise a kid with that kind of
father? I want him to be different, I want him to change.
Im done with my wild steak and its over, I wanna grow up
and start acting responsable. The only thing I want to baby
sit is babys.

Yea-So maybe I lied to him and told him I was at me cousins
house when i was really down the road at a friends. I feel
really bad about it too. Really bad, but if I tell him
he'll start to flip out and turn it around and say I was
with another guy. You know I wasnt really even having any
fun. I was watching a basketball game, thinking about andy.
And how I never use to watch basketball, untill him and now
I like to watch it. Then I was thinking, " man that dude is
only 5'6 and he is in the NBA, that should be my baby!"
While everyone else was playing quarters. me sitting in
front of a tv watching basketball, its not even my freakin

All my Christmas money gone, because I wanted to get him
something really nice. I cleaned the freakin garage for
crying out loud, just so I could have an extra $20 to go on
gas and buy him that jersey. I was so freakin proud of that
thing. I never bought for a guy before, never. So my first
time I wanted it to be something he would relly like. Then
the hat, even though he said not to I was still gonna get
it for him. Because i love him so much I want him to have
what he wants. Just like if we're married, I want him to
have what he wants. To tell you the truth I wansnt too
happy about the whole studio thing when he turns 18. But it
will make him happy, I even argued with my mom about it, he
will have it!

Never before have I been able to go anywhere and get hit on
by a guy. Now it seems like everywhere I go someone is
trying to talk to me. So much to the point where I just say
Im married. Seriously! I'll be with a friend and their like
that guy is so hot and you dont wanna even look at him, no,
I love Andy. It doesnt matter to me any more.

I really do want to have a baby, i was dissapointed when I
got my period. I cried! But, then I relized god was giving
me a second chance to do wht I love to do. Play ball. Being
up there on that mound gives me all the control in the
world. The game is in my hands. I get all the glory, all
the fault. And I love it. So that day I went out and
started working out, getting back into shape. Tranning hard
core. Then Andy said he anted to have a baby ASAP, I knew
thats what he wanted, so i convince myself tahts what I
wanted. I am willing to give up MY FAMILY for him.
Something I promised that I would never do again. But I
would for him. My dad is the only reason for my college.
Not the playoffs, not the pitching coaches, not Joey
forcing me on the mound because he has no choice. Nope it
was my dad. Back 8in the day when I couldnt throw a fast
ball if my life depended on it, he told me I would. He told
me he was gonna make me the best ball player Anderson
softball has ever seen, and he did. It was all him. And me
myself would give it up just to make Andy happy.

My life before was crazy. I was always with my friends
doing crazy things. I was always going after the guy who
treated me like crap too. Only call when they wanted
boodie. Three years I put up with it too. Three years. Then
i finally just gave in. I was so upset because no matter
how much I tried "he" didnt like me back. "I guess you can
be a buddy" Yea, after the whole "experence" I thought I
would never find anyone that I wanted to be with. Because I
thought I wanted him. And I remember after we did it, i
laid there tring to talk to him, wanted to kiss him, but he
didnt. He just used me and I tried everything I could not
to believe it but it was true.

He called me after that, right before I went off to
college. "Hey I heared that you were home alone can I come
over?" Took all I had to say no. And now, I have Andy. That
boi has me so wrapped. The one before Andy called me. When
I got back he called me. Called me up heard I was home and
wanted to do something. I told him no and taht i didnt want
to talk to him ever. I seen his sister in the store she
said, "He said he wanted to hang out with you befre yu went
back." No, I have no desire to be with him. Everytime I see
him I just get so freakin sick to think that I ever fell
for him. I told him he was nothing but a cheater, lier, and
a fake. A big mistake. He still hasnt changed his ways, he
still running around on his girl, with a girl from my high
school. Thats why I want Andy to come with me for
homecoming. I wanna go back early to be with Andy, but I
cant. My sister is playing and I need to be there for her.
Just like I always was before. But this time I wanted Andy
to be there too. To be with me for her and to show him off.
So everyone can see who has their little girl. And so when
I do see "the one before" he'll know he better watch his
ass. He could of had something good, but he made the
mistake of never taking a hold of it.

Man I still remember the day I first laid eyes on him. I
didnt want to admit it then, but there was something that
told me not to just look at him. And how it all started,
kissing, ridding, straddling.....then love. So......perfect.

I will always ove Andy Ray, always. If we break up, I would
be such a mess, dont know how I would go on. Life would be
no point. But I just dont wanna go on like this. And I
prolly go on know he was the one. He gives my this big
cofidence boost that makes me so happy to be alive. He show
me that I can love someone. That I was capable for loving.
I love him a lot.

My new years......Sucked! The whole time I was wondering
why he hadnt called me back. I wanted to believe that even
though I could hear it in his voice that he was drinking,
he promised me right then and there he wasnt, I did. He's
drunk, he's drunk, he's he's not because he
just promised me he wasnt. Am I loosing his trust? I dont
want to. Last night he kept saying you wanna go and be wih
that other guy, your drunk. Why? How can I trust someone so
much when they dont even trust me? Use to I could tal to my
best friend, my sis, my mom. But I cant this is
something I have to decide for on my own. I just dont know
how. I dont wanna break up with him. So what if I do give
him another chance, and he goes and pulls the same thing?
Do I just forget about it again? The first time he said he
was sorry. Then he said it again, and it was all ok. But I
dont think I can handle another sorry.

At this point, I dont know what to do. I dont wanna loose
him, but I dont wanna hurt again either.

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