Signs Of Life
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2005-01-01 19:27:21 (UTC)

December 27, 2004 - My not so perfect life...

Finally, I have emerged from this writing slumber and have
found the time to think once again. What a month! So many
wonderful things have surpassed this month. There's been
hello's, there's been goodbye's, there's been moving and
connecting and opportunity with a pinch of a spirit known
to man as "Holiday". My best friend puts it
well...."MaKiNG sOMeThiNg oF MySelF". It's an exciting
road to be on. To be transitioned from a place of
hopelessness and fear to a place of security and love.
There's nothing more satisfying than to know that you're
on the right track. For those of you who are lost, I will
translate December 2004 into a short summary.
I was praying hard for a change in my circumstances and
for a little direction as to where I should be. One day,
God decided to show me. He opened up a door to move into
an amazing apartment just a few blocks away from my new
church. The process went smoothly and conveiniently.
(Thank you to EVERYONE who helped out in a small or big
way!!!) By December 11th, we were in and ready to
experience a little dose of independence. Have you ever
spent $150 at a dollar store in two days? Try's
amazing what you can find at a dollar store. About a week
later, a door opened very wide for a job closer to home
and now, in our second week here, things couldn't be
better! I believe that there's something that happens to a
man who knows that he is responsible for his own life.
It's like, from here on, my life is what I make it...what
I allow God to make it. Things are finally turning

Life isn't perfect. I'll admit it. Amongst all the
excitment and "newness", there's always something to learn
and there's always something to fight. I believe it's
meant to be like that. God wants to remind us that life
can't be perfect. Not until we're with Him. If life were
perfect right now, would we think that we even needed Him?
I doubt it. We'd probably give ourselves all or most of
the credit. Don't deny know it's true. So God
continues to test and refine us. Heh, I felt a little
insecure saying how great things are because there's
always a slope right around the corner. Depressed yet?
Don't be. See, I've learned something (big surprise). I've
learned that problems are not the problem. Oh great, now
I've got you confused. Just stay with me. Problems are the
obsticles. See, the real problem is our attitude. I had to
face this fact I am facing it as I type. In
my last entry, I wrote about a relationship that seemed as
though it were falling apart. And I was completely right.
That relationship shattered into so many pieces that it's
not even worth trying to fix it. And for the last two
weeks, my mind has been consumed with memories and
bitterness...even hate. It's amazing how much power one
holds if that person holds the keys to a heart. So yeah,
I've been happy and I've been excited. But every so often
the thought will come. The stomach turning, teeth grinding
thought of "why?". Why would someone go out of their way
to hurt someone else? Why would someone let go of an oath
they so tightly held onto for so long? Why would someone
call themself pure and kind when they would turn their
back on someone they loved? And the truth is that I will
never know these answers. The greater truth is that I do
not want to know. The gut wrenching reality is that this
person doesn't even care. that the problem?
Absolutely not. I am an individual. I make decisions that
I regret and I make decisions that I accept. Whether or
not I want to blame and accuse someone else for those
decisions is completely irrelevant. The reality is that
any mess I end up in, I walked into; willingly or not. My
problem is my attitude. My human desire for revenge. My
need for control. My jelousy and my bitterness. Even my
hate. Now I'm making myself sound like a lunatic but
believe it or not, you have this problem too. What do you
feel when someone stabs you in the back? What do you want
to happen when you hear of a cold blooded murder? What do
you cry for when someone breaks your heart?

A girl I met recently says she doesn't believe in love.
She says that relationships revolve around feelings. She
believes this because her parents left eachother when she
was 12. Is this what we have created? Has our society
forgotten committment? When a child cannot grow with love
in her life, I believe that there is something
disgustingly twisted going on. How easy has it become to
walk away and trust that life will go on for that person?
To not even think that your decision may effect them
forever...Thankfully, for me, I have something so much
greater to mend this wound. And it's only a matter of time
until He does. God has a first aid kit for everything!
Yet, the deeper wound lies not in my heart. The deeper
wound will lie in the unmended relationship.
Unfortunately, her and I have the most powerful wall to
stop any sort of healing...pride. But that's not the issue.

I know that I am dragging along her. Perhaps it's my heart
crying out for a chance to speak but it is not time for
that. My point for this entry is that we point fingers at
everything but ourselves. We search for problems just to
cover up our problems and until we learn to face
ourselves...well...that's a lot of problems to deal with,
isn't it? That's what this move has helped me do. It has
hypathetically put me infront of a mirror and asked me
what I am doing with myself. Who do I want to be. Who am I
right now. And I believe the answers lie in my attitude.
Towards God, towards friends, towards love and most of
all, towards myself. With the Lord as my sheppard and the
many paths ahead, I am learning to ignore the worthless
obsticles and focus on my true perfect life.


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