thebigstar

Signs Of Life
2005-01-01 19:22:53 (UTC)

November 24, 2004 - The Battleground of my Heart

Tonight I am going to discuss something I've always been
considered "experienced" with: relationships. I wish I
could say, in this case, that wisdom has increased with
experience. However, I don't cease to surprise myself.
I've been in three relationships throughout my young life.
Two of which, I can say, were merely self absorbed and
immaturily conducted. What 14 or 16 year old can really
say otherwise if they've been serious with someone? Our
need for companionship when travelling through adolesences
can be quite disturbing. Yet, there's something about a
young heart that is so passionate when it comes to love
that it makes me wonder what God's intentions were to
create such a vulnerable stage in life. This is not my
focus; only something to think about.
There are two dreams that every musician desires. One,
being to master his or her art. The other, to find
love....the kind that makes you sweat. Those who can
relate know exactly what I'm speaking of. I'm speaking
from more of a secular view than a spiritual one.
Although, even if we combined the two views, we would come
to the conclusion that these dreams are...well...natural.
Yes, I can even say with confidence that God himself gave
me these desires. And anything that comes from Him must be
good, right? Not necessarily. Consider something as simple
as an apple. It tastes good, it's healthy, it's colourful
and it even has the potential to produce many other
apples. Yes, an apple is most certainly a gift from God.
However, an apple is what helped change Man's God-given
nature into what we now call "human nature". So what does
this mean? Can God's gifts of love and passion and
intimacy actually hurt us? No. However, can we take God's
gifts and misuse them? Can we take God's gifts and, with
them, hurt ourselves? Absolutely! It gets even worst. I
have discovered that not only can I hurt myself with
things that God has given me, by doing so, I can also lose
the gifts that He has given me. Now, please understand
that when we are allowing God himself to conduct us with
the gifts he's given, misusing them is highly unlikely.
It's when we take the reigns on our own and become
independant that we begin to misuse these things.

So back to my own experiences. Unfortunately I have
misused my gifts as a musician. I have also misused my
gifts as a sensitive and loving man. And both have lead me
to a place of either almost giving up or hurting someone
who did not deserve to be hurt. I find life so ironic
sometimes. It's like, you don't realize something until
you've experienced it yourself. No matter how many people
tell you, no matter how many warning signs you see, the
ignorance is bliss before you realize that there are no
real time machines to take you back and mend what you've
done. So what happens next? You feel insecure. You feel
like all of a sudden you've lost control. It's not simple
anymore...it's not fun anymore. During this stage, your
mind is your worst enemy. Thoughts consume your day and
nothing seems to hold together. No matter how hard you try
you can't find the solution. What can I do? What can I
say? How do I let things go back to how they used to be?
How do I make her happy? How can I be who I was before?
And then....the worst question of all....how do I make her
want me again? At this point, you have two options. Run
away and never look back. Or, fight for redemption until
every last bit of passion is consumed by rejection. Once
again, secular opinion. In both scenerio's, you can see
that pain will not be avoided. As I spoke of a few nights
ago, rejection is the most hurtful pain. In this case,
there's no way around it. Let this whole position play out
in your mind. If you've never faced this type of conflict,
it might be hard to understand. If you have, it might be
hard to go back and remember, but try. What feelings are
you beginning to feel? Fear? Insecurity? Anger? Self Pity?
Hatred? See...what was once a gift from God is now a
source of weakness. I believe that right now, as I'm
writing this, I am learning something. I am in this exact
situation in my life. I've been here before. God is
showing me something. If I've taken control and misused
his gift of love, how can I expect to ever repair it?

I love a girl. At times I can sit there and picture the
smile she used to get when I walked into a room. If I go
back, in my mind, that is, I can even remember our
conversations filled with hopes and dreams of a life that
only God could provide. Yet, as soon as I remembered the
fear. As soon as I remembered the pain of the broken heart
I left to mend itself from past relationships. I once
again took control. I made sure that if anyone would get
hurt, it wouldn't be me. Ironic, isn't it? I told you.
Ignorance can surely be ignorant of itself. And here I am
at 4:30 in the morning, another sleepless night, realizing
that the only way I can make things right, is to let go.
Will she come back? Will she remember the hopes and
dreams? Will she reject me until I'm gone? Only God
knows...and I'm glad...because He can finally have control.

-R.Theriault




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