zoe

Undercover Discoverer
2004-12-31 22:54:54 (UTC)

riding in cars with dads

while driving in the car with my father, i have come to
the realizaion that because we have no relationship beyond
that of specifically "father vs. daughter", our silence in
the car has become comfortable because it had been so
UNcomfortable for years.
there is no way to talk to my dad, he seems like a
distant, hollow tunnel to me. i may know what he does,
what he looks like, what he gets angry about, but i have
no idea what he really thinks.
i was wondering today while i was in the car, sitting in
silence, what he was thinking. was he thinking about me
leaving for college? that was the only thing we talked
about for that matter. the reason i was in the car with
him was because i needed to get my passport.
i'm going to greece by the way.
but nothing makes sense to me about the whole thing. if
i idolize my father (to an extent), doesn't that mean i
know him? but when i try to figure him out, i get all
weirded-out for some reason. to me, it feels weird to be
thinking about your father more than "oh god, my dad's
gonna kill me" sort of thing. who tries to figure out
their parents anyway? i have tried to see things my
mothers way, but that failed horribly, and i still loathe
her with a passion. people say that you grow out of the
stage where you hate your parents, but i do not think i
will. i believe, like i said in previous entries, that
once i leave for college, i'm leaving. i hope to talk to
my parents as little as possible. i know i have said all
of this before, i know i've stated how i hate my parents,
but somehow it always comes up when i discuss my flight of
life.
moving on from that topic. i want to discuss the issue
of the product we all like to call nair. ughhghghhhhh. oh
sure, it works, it works like it's supposed to, but it
stings, a lot. no joke. i thought instead of the dreaded
tweezer-plucking eyebrow job, i would try my sisters nair
instead, to see if it worked. well, it did, and now you
can see the line where my bald brows end and the hair on
my forehead starts. it's not bad, but up close, i look
weird. the only question i have now is how long will my
brows last without growing back bushy again?
and by the way, the courthouse was closed, so i couldn't
get my passport. we spent an hour driving around and all
for nothing. but whatever. for some reason, i think i put
my dad in a good mood because later, when he had to go to
the A&P, he asked me if i wanted to go. he NEVER asks me
that. i should've gone. i feel horrible about not knowing
the man i call my father because down the road, about
three weeks ago, a father died of a heart attack, and he
has kids that are the age of the three of us. (my sister
and brother and me). they must have had the worst
christmas ever, and they will never be the same, and the
youngest one is a year younger than me. i feel horrible
when i think that one day my dad could be here, and the
next day he might not be. but how do you change a
reltationship that has been the same since your father
started spanking you? i can't see our relationship
changing any time in he near future, and i don't think
i'll ever be comfortable around my parents like my parents
seem to be around theirs.
but who's to say that none of this could happen? fate is
only the absence of coincidence.




Ad: