zoe

Undercover Discoverer
2004-12-31 05:48:01 (UTC)

repetitive retrospection

one way or another, my life here in this house is coming
to an end. i know that there is still many months ahead of
me, and i am pretty sure that i will go absolutely nuts at
least one more time before i leave for good, but
nonetheless, i am still looking forward to my own life.
has anyone ever been this excited before? half of the
people i know, or have known, are still living at home
with their parents, and they have no life ahead of them
except to marry some person who doesn't make them
completely happy.
am i nuts for saying that once i get accepted to
college, i know i will never have to live in this house
anymore? i plan on only the best for myself, and i plan on
having many people jealous of me. although i am only going
to succeed at the career of high school educator, i know i
will be happy.
with all of this said, how can people see me as such a
boring, unenthused person? everyone says i am so depressed
all the time, that i am upset and sad all the time. i
guess i go through my present life that way because i know
that in order to get to the future, i have to go through
the present, so i do it just so it is done.
people say that living that way is not the way to live,
but who believes that? sure, i try to live life to the
fullest, but that just means i don't take things for
granted.
and i only seem to talk about life this way when i'm
thinking about my future. when i'm thinking about ME, not
others, because that's all i seem to do.
in fact, i've been thinking a lot about my sister
lately. i keep thinking that once we're older, we will
have a relationship better then the current one we share
now. but i have been thinking, logically, of course, about
how that doesn't seem plausible. does it make sense that a
sister who doesn't care about you opinions and asks, but
doesn't reciecve your advice, could actually show
affection other than dislike?
i read back a year ago in my online diary, and read how
i believed that my sister was changing. however, i did
also say that i could be very wrong. i was, and i believe
that if i ever say that she may be changing for the
better, i may always be wrong.
but who needs a sister? that was a rhetorical question,
mind you. i certainly could use a sister who loves to shop
as much as i do, who would tell me what makeup looks good
on me, the kind of sister who could be your best friend.
as of right now, i have no best friend, and i feel that
that is going to stay the same for a long time. when you
think you have friends who really understand you, you come
to find they don't, and then you have no one to rely on,
and then you clam up, and then people think you're being
cynical towards life, and then you become a bitter person
because people just don't understand you.
how is it that people can go from being you only, and
best friend, to being someone you can't stand being
around? i am not talking about my sister, although i can't
be in a room with her for longer than an hour, but i'm
talking about someone else. and i know that people deserve
many chances, especially your good friends, but what
happens after those five thousand chances? then what?
where are you when you become a cynical person?
i may be on the cynical stair right now, but that's
because i know what i can be, and will be, and i also know
that my future life does not have room for people like
those of whom i am talking about.
but who is to say that i can't be happy? i try, as we
all do, to find the secret to life, or, to true happiness.
being seventeen does not allow for much breathing room on
the topic of happiness, but i try. the sad part is, the
harder i try, the harder it is to see where i'm going. and
when i'm not looiking, i should be.
am i the only person who feels this way?
and another question to all of you diary readers
(because i know there are a lot of you): am i repetitive?
have i said all of these things before? sometimes i feel
like all i do is drone on about the same old things.
i guess i do that because i know how my life works, i
figured out the scheme of things, and i'm ready to have a
harder time enterpreting life.
when the only reliable form of yourself is writing,
sometimes you go a little nuts and repeat things.
but i have no fear, i know that those of you who are
reading this, are not bored, and are in fact gaining power
through my senseless knowledge.
but even repetitive minds such as myself have to catch
some shut eye, so ta ta for now.




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