Miss Thang

SEE THE DAY THROUGH MY EYES
2004-12-29 13:51:00 (UTC)

well well well

i'm currently lstening to Alice Cooper Poison.....god knows
why but i have always loved the song since i was a little
kid.

The last entry was over my ex jason and low and behold who
starts to sms and email me??? jason. What the fuck his game
is i have no idea. Im like what the fuck??? one message
tells me that the reason that i hurt is because i fucked
everyone over! if i fucked everyone over by moving away and
pursuing a career then i'm guilty but other than that i
haven't done shit. I hate Mel so much for everything she
has done and all the lies she has spread i just want to get
all my stuff and give them the money i owe nigel then i'll
never speak to them again my life in lismore will be over
once and for all and i can get on with my new one up here.

I can't wait until Adam gets back he flys in tomorrow
night. i can hardly wait i'm so excited i'm like a kid on
the night before christmas so i guess since i worked
christmas i'm having a belated christmas and my christmas
present is Adam!!!!
i can't wait to see him i miss him so much. We heard about
his brother too. Dan was over in India when the tsunami hit
but thankfully him and his best mate were up in the
mountains when the waves hit but it freaked out Adam and
his family and me, Eryn and Mama bear were all worried i
wasn't sleeping very well. If they hadn't heard anything
and Adam had decided to stay up there until they heard i
probably would have flown up there if he wanted me too.

Hes like a diease i don't understand...... i thought Jason
Moore was the love of my life and after that
Scoey,Cal,Craig,Peter and the other randoms could never
manage to amount to his calibre. Then i met Jason Phillips
and he was my world. I told him that if we dont work out
that i wouldn't bother looking for anyone else i would stay
by myself forever for the fear of getting hurt again. But
their is just something that drew me to Adam and i have
never ever thought or felt like this before in my life. Its
really freaking me out, has the past two years of my life
and dealing with love all been a lie??? that all this time
i thought i had expereienced love with Jason Moore but had
i really???

No i know that i loved and was in love with Jason Moore i
would have given my life for that fucker and his kids.... i
would still give up everything i owned including my life
for his kids him on the other hand i wouldn't piss on him
to save him......actually i probably would for his kids
sake...

But Adam is just so different it just feels right i can't
explain it for the first time in my life a relationship
feels right and normal. Its like we have known eachother
all out lives. I miss him like crazy and its scares me
cause i have no idea what im feeling.... i haven't been
sleeping, i havent been eating properly... i just can't
think straight, Eryns calling me grasshopper cause i'm all
jumpy and shit. I just can't understand it i have always
been able to work out my feelings for someone and this time
i can't and i don't why.....is this what they mean by love
doesn't follow the rules???? fuck knows but its driving me
crazy!!!!
My first thought in the morning is of Adam and the last
thought i think of is him when i do eventually fall asleep.
What the fuck is going on with me??? this just can't be
happening to me this quick i ususally don't allow it but
for some reason i haven't put up the brick wall where Adam
is concerned...something just pulled inside of me and told
me that i could trust him AND THAT MY FRIENDS is just
something that i NEVER EVER do!!!!!!!!! maybe i am going
crazy.

I'm sure as hell not going to tell Adam this, he will
absolutely freak i know i would if someone told me after
only knowing then for not too long.... so unless i want him
to run a million miles in the opposite direction of me i
think i'll keep this under wraps for a while just until i
know where this is headed. See??? i don't even know where
we are headed and i have all this shit inside of me going
on!!!! i never ever do this, saves myself from not getting
hurt that way, but i didn't put up the wall so i guess this
is why am i'm feeling really fucked up right about now.

And now i'm really tired i have work tomorrow ODE TO FUCKEN
JOY!!!! i fucken hate it with a passion i can't wait until
friday i'm having the day off and i don't care what they
say. Adam will be here and its New Years Eve i want to get
ready for that. I can't wait i get to spend New Year's with
two of the most important people in my life Eryn and Adam i
have a feeling that next year 2005 will be a great year. I
don't know why i feel that i just do its weird i have never
thought this way about a new year before. Could it be all
the shit, the rapes, the broken hearts, the court cases and
all other dramas have finally left my life and what i have
prayed for so many times before finally come true??? a
normal, minimal stress and most importantly no drama life
finally graced me?? lets hope to fuck it had i think i have
been through enough shit in the past two years to earn a
break of peace and haapiness don't you????
I think its high time that i do but hey since when has my
opinion ever mattered to any of this?? people still persist
in sticking their noses into my life and fucking it up so
thats why i decided after i moved out of Mel's clutches no
one is going to tell me how to run my life they have their
own life to run and fuck up if they so choose leave mine
the fuck alone!!!!!!
Yhat my friends is my motto i no longer have time for
mediocore shit and meaningless people don't exist in my
life cause i simply don't let them into my life in the
first place to become meaningless in my life.
Now i'm going to try and sleep but i know its just no going
to happen i will just be freaking out over Adam. *sighs*


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