destinys_orphan

Destinys_Orphan's Journal
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2004-12-28 07:39:37 (UTC)

Waiting on the good day.....

I lay in bed at night (which is now empty) wondering why
and how I got here. Love screws a lot of things up, but at
the same time it can be wonderful... It was wonderful in
the beginning, but aren't they all wonderful in the
beginning?

The nightmares are starting to calm themselves down a bit,
but they still invade my sleep and waking hours. I am not
getting physically sick as much as I used to, but it's
still there also. I crave affection for, some ungodly
reason, when really I just want to be by myself. It sucks.I
no longer have the "safe" feeling I had during the days of
being someone's "loved one," but I do have some wonderful
friends that come to the rescue. Still, I feel it's not
enough when it really should be. Sometimes, I feel selfish.

I can't wait for the mindset to let someone back in my life
again. I want that so bad, but I am not willing to let that
happen again. Knowing that I lost someone that I felt was
my soul mate and watching and listening to him act and
talk as if he feels as if nothing had ever happened. Like
he is so glad to be rid of me. Like garbage. It hurts. I
never loved like that before. It scares me to death to love
like that again. I wonder if I will be able to anymore? Did
Matt ruin that for me?

I want to fast forward with ever breath I take to the time
that I am in my own place (and not staying with a friend)
with my job and knowing that I am okay and the fact that
this terrible thing was long ago and no longer hurts like
it does now. I want to just flick that magic wand that
allows me control my life in the way that I should already
have control over in the first place.

I just want to get my life back together as soon as
possible and move on! I am not going to be okay until that
day comes that I am back in control again. For my health
and mental health's sake; I hope that's soon!


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