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2004-12-28 06:44:31 (UTC)


so i get these crying fits sometimes. mark is in the shower
now. i dont know if he noticed. but before he went in he was
trying to make me laugh, kissing my belly and making funny
noises and so forth. the crying fits have tapered off a bit
but here i am crying again and im gonna try to figure out
why. first it starts cause i feel like i love him so much.
then followed by the love is fear, and i dont know what it
is a fear of. fear of what. fear that i am too young for
this easy kind of love. fear that it wont last. fear cause
everything happened so fast. i am now part of a couple and
we even got christmas presents that were for the both of us.
fear that i am not living how i could be or how i should
be. i shouldve been writing my grad school essay but i laid
with him on the futon watching lord of the rings because i
was tired and the place i like to be the most is lying in
his armpit all safe and warm. rubbing his belly and smelling
him and that body warmth that comes between us is the most
addicting thing ive ever felt. fear of how long this can
last. its only been six months. what will it be like in
another six months and in another year and in another two
years? where will i go to school and where will we live and
will we make it and how much will i have to sacrifice to
stay with him? what will happen? i know in my heart this is
something that could last for a really long time just
because it is so easy. so easy to love him. fear of what he
feels back. does he love me as much? is it scarier if he
loves me more or if he loves me less? the water stopped in
the shower now and he will be out soon. and we will make
love. and he is just like the best drug ever.