Maia Stefana

Misery_Freedom_Loneliness
2004-12-26 10:25:40 (UTC)

Dream On

I'm listening to Aerosmith, "Dream On"...it's sunny
outside.i live at the 10th floor.who cares about it?! it's
just,it's so cold and sunny and such a light, a light blue
sky..and i'm sitting here, in my room,next to a diary..i
should be LIVING..what am i doing?!i've started so far
hundreds of journals..i have succedeed with none of
them.Why should it be different now? If you read this,go
ahead, write me something, not for the need of chatting,
for simpathy or for pity...just write, for the sake of
it.I have to keep this journal,i have to..cause i can't go
on waking me up, going to bed, and then waking up
again,just after going to bed,soon before waking
up...jesus...and so on...i'm not dreaming anymore.I used
to dream a lot,i wanted so any from my life, from myself.i
still want them, but they're not dreams anymore.Now i'm
perfectly sure i can acomplish them..i trust myself even
if i can't even go look in the mirror without feeling a
pain in my stomach..I do know i can make these dreams come
true,therefore, they're no dreams anymore.So,what now?
what's my next purpose?
Isn't it the Christmas day a perfect one for starting
a journal?The saddest day...the new year comes,i've got so
any plans,i've got none,i'm so happy and so free, in my
cage with my tears...everythings is black and white,only
if my eyes wouldn't be so full of colours...Now, where am
I going to? I'm sad..but i like being this way...i feel
good when being sad...it's the feeling that you're
different than the others.Bullshet.I wish i were dumb.Then
these thoughts wouldn't come in my mind and kill my
brain,my nervs, rott in my throat and then go
down..down...down....i feel my toes connected to the
earth.I feel heavy. This is helping me release
myself..that's all.And it's good. I'm leaving you to paint
now.I have to paint.It's my selfdestruction motor.It helps
me to keep walking, and from time to time, it makes me fly
into the air so high,that when i come back,i leave a huge
hole into the soil..the hole gets deeper and deeper..what
a pity i won't be able to get out of it one day

Creed: "WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN"


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