just a normal life
2004-12-23 05:30:29 (UTC)

5 months later...

Well its been about five months since I wrote my last entry,
and five months since I've read what I last wrote. Its
almost Christmas! and I think now more than usual I needed
to read that. The summer definately lit that fire in my
heart and I'm afraid that now with school and stress and
work its starting to flicker. But I don't want that. Jesus
lived and died for me! He took my sins and nailed them to
the cross with himself and said "you have to get through me,
to get to her." And no one can ever break Jesus.

I thank God so much seriously, and I think that I'm going to
make this short because lately ihave been busy with so much
that i've either stayed up late cuz of work or homework and
i've kinda said the quick prayers and the little, you know
whats on my heart God, please take care of it for me, thank

But tonight, while I know I have time, I want to spend some
real time with God. Not just time where I can talk, but time
where I can hopefully listen. Sometimes when I try to just
listen, well... my mind starts wandering. But maybe thats
not always so bad. Maybe if I can open my heart and mind
enough, God will choose where my mind wanders to, and thats
where I will be able to hear him if i listen closely enough.
And maybe it will just be another try along the road to
perfecting, or coming somewhere close to understand how to
just be silent and listen.

There are so many questions that I don't have answered. Sooo
many, but I know that in thinking about the questions too
much and not being able to come up with an answer, i'm
feeding my doubt, letting it become greater than my faith.
One thing that I need to remember is a little something Mr.
Rau taught me. I can't really remember exactly what he said
or how he said it, but he basically made it sound silly for
there not to be a God. How is it possible to even think that
this is all coincidence and that life just happens. That
one day the earth in all its perfectness just began existing
and human and animals and this environment and this life
began. And i know this is unsufficient explanations because
there was a big bunch of physics reasoning behind it when
Mr. Rau was talking that is something I can't grasp enough
to write it all down right now, several months after the fact.

But I can always remember him saying that, with so much
faith, and that helps me to have more faith. And then I
remember all the times in my life that I would've been so
lost without God. And I guess the reason that those thoughts
come second after my science reasoning thoughts is because
we live in a world today where we want cold hard facts. We
want proof. We don't want there to be a chance that we could
be wasting our time. But God, I know I'm not wasting my
time. I know you're real and I do want to follow you! I just
need so much help! I need to feel your spirit inside me, and
I need to be influence by others. Its hard to feel like so
few people really have a relationship with you. And how can
i help them? How can I make them feel these things? And what
if they don't ever accept you?

I just wish I could be soooo much stronger. I wonder if I
will ever be much stronger than I am now? I wonder if my
kids will know you? I really hope so. I know thats kind of
like a whoa out there statement but its just like when I
look around at the kids my age, I don't want my own kids to
be doing stuff that like 90% of people are doing... i don't
know what i'm talking about. lol but anyway

wooo okay time to go spend some time with God! I really want
to become stronger! I'm so weak in so many areas. I just
want to be able to know what I believe and stand up for that
and hopefully mess up less. hah who knows anyway, to anyone
who for some reason may be readng this and made it as far as
the end. Merry Christmas! remember, its not actually about
presents and trees and breaks from school... its not even
really about family and friends and spending time together,
its about the birth of our Savior! OUR SAVIOR! thats right,
mine and yours and anyone you meet, granted they accept the
truth. So thats what I pray for, that we can accept and know
the truth, and then live it! Godbless!! really!!