kebab0816

Life - so complicated
2004-12-23 00:42:53 (UTC)

Let's be honest here

Reading other ppl's entries has made me realise
something. Nobody really does need to feel alone because
there's always somebody out there caring for you or waiting
for you to talk to them about how you feel. It's just you
who needs to find that one person who you know you can
trust. Unfortunately it takes mistakes and a lot of
heartache to find that person.

Ahh well. I'm bored and really should be going to bed
because I have work early in the morning and then I'm
working all day Christmas eve. Is it right that I'm going
to be practically alone on New Year's eve? Just so you can
answer that question I'll fill you in on the history of me
and Phil.
My dad and his dad (Graham) have been friends forever.
And evry New Year my family and me travel to their house in
Lincoln to say a couple of nights. Since I was about 9/10
years old I've had feelings for Phil. At first I wasn't
sure that it was because I loved the friendship we had or
because I saw him more as a brother than a friend. Whatever
the reason that feeling over time became love. Ridiculously
I realised I was in love with him when I was 11 or so. And
it took me 4 years to tell him that I liked him.
We also spend 2 or 3 weekends a year togther (a big group
of us go). We stay in the Lakes or Yorkshire depends really
and we all have a great time laughing, walking, drinking
and talking. It's brilliant. Of course when I hit 14 I
began to see that these great times weren't going to last
forever and it depressed me. So I saw only one option: to
tell Phil I loved him. Unfortunately when I did eventually
summon up the courage to tell him my words came something
like this:
"Phil, I like you." Oh how cringe-worthy! His reply was
simply "I know" oh how heartbreaking that was! However, a
day after I turned 15 we went to Northumberland for the
weekend and it was there that I completely ruined any sort
of future I was to have with Phil: we slept together. And
ever since nothing has been the same. He didn't come to the
last weekend holiday we had and now I won't be at his for
New Year. Should I go - knowing it's taken me two years to
rid myself of the hurt its all caused and going will just
bring those feelings back? Or should I go with my original
plans to stay at Gillerthwaite (in the lakes) with an old
friend who I hated for a year and her boyfriend and two of
my mum and dad's friends - but I know I'll have a good time?




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