amanda

my so called life
2004-12-22 00:43:07 (UTC)

the story of my life..

okay well heres the story of my god damn life...

good guys are all gay, the ones who are good and straight are
extreamly prude and cant fulfill my sexual needs.

all that has been on my mind is SEX! i havent been laid in *16*
days!! the last person i slept with dumped me coz he's gay!! whats
wrong with me?? i want matt SO bad. he'll never know. sure i cried
for 2 days when he dumped me, but i told him it was becuase of
the birthcontrol making my hormnes crazy. truely it was becuase
my feelings are really strong for him. i get SO jealious if he talks to
other girls or guys in a flirty manor. i break down everytime he
talks about nick (his new love interest) and it turns out nick has a
bf, so matt wont be dating him anytime soon *thank the lord* i hate
nick. he acts llike a drill sargent and is really mean to me. and i
know he likes matt, but he plays hard to get so much and it
bothers me becuase we know what hes doing. matt deserves so
much better than him. i hate "gay" why do people end up like that?
i know they cant control it, but why does it exist? i mean i dont want
matt not to be gay becuase thats just his personality. i want him to
be bi i guess.. i want him to be mine.. yeah thats what i really want.
life would be good if it were like it was 3 weeks ago... back when
me and matt were together..

so i am starting this new journey to find a boyfriend and get over
matt. i dont wanna hurt our friendship and thats why i dont tell him
how i feel. i love the fact that we are always together or on the
phone. we are best friends and thats better than nothing. i love it
this way, dont get me wrong, i just want him to have feelings for me
like i feel for him. when ive found a boyfriend, maybe then i will
only feel friendly feelings toward him. thats why its imparative that i
find one soon... so i dont fuck up the best friendship ive ever had...


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