lynn Rodgers

The Saga of Dreams
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2004-12-19 08:42:34 (UTC)

Dear Diary

Sunday Sept 15th
After he came home from work , I decided to try and talk to
him about us, but that only made him mad. when I tried to
kiss him and say I was sorry if I had hurt him or made him
mad. he siad to me(I dont need any of that shit off u )So I
siad fine but if u r my friend as u claim to be then u
could at least try to see where I am coming from. I left
the room when he didnt reply , and I stayed away from him
the rest of the day. that nite I thought maybe he would be
a bit better, but no he siad nothing to me at all turned a
cold shoulder to me, acted like I wasnt even there. next
morning it was the same. I have about reached the point of
giving up , the sad thing about this is - I LOVE HIM he
has the power to make me the happiset girl in the world, if
only he would love me. he doesnt seem to care. I say I love
u to him and he says ( oh do u?)
So now i wait and watch , see if things improve between us.
i feel like I will have no chjoice but to go if it doesnt.
this I know will hurt me real bad, will in fact tear my
heart out.Ii dont know how long it will take for me to get
over this. will he ever see what hurt he has done to me?

time they say heals all wounds, even those of a shattered
heart. patience now dear lord, I must be patient, I love
him so much.
Sept 16th- today brings a memory of my moms birthday, she
died at age 62 of cancer. she was born in 1919.
sept 17- last night brougth a little relief , the air seems
a bit clearer now , he at least siad good ngith to me. I
know not to expect to much, cause I would then be
disappointed. still it would be nice to get akiss or hug.
I have hope and for today that is all I can do . he bought
me some perfume , maybe there is hope. I am going to bed
early tonight its 9 pm , close now, bed for me. sept 19
has been uneventful, his pc had to be fixed- they had to
replace the cd. my mind is in a quandry. he says he loved
today, but I feel something isnt right, something is
missing , he dont act like a man in love. everything he
seems calculated somehow. I try to understand , I have
asked my self many questions, about why , what, when ,
where. few answers tho . emotionally I am a wreck.
we have no physical connection tho lord knows I want it
very much , he seems to hate the idea. he wont discuss it
all with me.
sept 25th- today is stevens birthday, his son- and tommorwo
is his birthday. he loves chocolate, so I got a big box of
it for him. he bought me a bus ticket to blackpool , so Im
going to see his sister, I have never met her, her name is
christine. I wil stay there for 4 days and then he says he
will come down and get me on his day off. i will close for
now . the dog and I her name is tess- we get along well ,
in fact she acts like she loves me more than he does.
well its wednesday nigth and I am going to bed alone
getting used to it by now. dont get me wrong I dont like
going to bed alone its something you can get used to if u
hard enough. lack of attention is something else u can get
used to . I have to get up early in the morning, so I had
better get some sleep . close for now.
he gave me a house key finally. I am taking a taxi to the
bus station , I am looking forward to meeting chris.

well today is friday its 7 am , I was up till 1:15 with
chris. we went to her swimming class and came back here,
then we went out till 12.15 talked for an hr , when we got
home. then bed.
chris seems to be very happy with me and terry being
together. can she possibly be a good friend? I hope so , I
need one in this place. oh well iahve a 50/50 chance in
this respect, maybe she will be a good friend, maybe it
will be ok.
terry is due here tommorw around lunch. I miss him and Im
scared and insecure but I think I have a right to be. he
does things that would make any one insecure, and I am in a
forgeign country , it isnt easy not knowing when , where
what is going to happen next. it would be hard for me to
walk away from terry as he is a big part of my heart, but I
know things cant go on like this forever . I have lots of
decisins as to what my future holds I think.

i hope it holds terry , althought i admit that i would
prefer it to be in america, so many things to think
about , being realistic here, love is important, very much
so , but one has to also feel secure in relationship, that
tonly comes from a feeling of belonging. and so far he
dont make me feel like im loved or belong.

more to come later----

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