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2004-12-18 07:55:48 (UTC)

The Last 5 months, and a little about me.

A little bit of a personal histroy, My name is Jamie
Klotz, and i am a sophmore at NSHS (North Summit High
School), my school has a little over 300 students in the
hich school, and i have gone to NS all my life,
When i was younger i was teased by everyone, so i grew up
not having anyfriends, and just keeping to my self was the
game i played, the rest of the school played "flea Bag" it
would require someone to get up the courage to touch me
then quickly run to some one who didnt have their fingers
crossed and touch them and say "You've got Jamie's fleas"
and then it would go around like wild fire, i guess it was
their from of Tag, but i never really liked it, because it
wasnt just out on the playground that they played it, it
was in the halls, and in class too, no one would sit by me
at lunch, and every one would run away from me all the
time. Forth grade comes and i am fed up so i become some
what of a bully, and things are ok. Middle school, people
rememer "Flea Bag" and the "Bully" so i still have no
friends, Twards the end of my fifth grade year, one of the
people that i talked to in school named Juan, asked me to
go swimming with him, so i say yes, and then while we are
swimming he starts to touch things that he shouldnt, i
told him not to, but he continued, so i get out of the
pool and start to leave, he follows me out and tries to
force him self in to the locker room with me, and all the
while he is saying how he is going to rape me and such, i
dont get raped but the memories are still there one thing
that he told me, was that if i tell anyone even my mom he
was going to beat me up, and then rape me,and do a bunch
of other stuff so i keep quite, Sixth grade I find out
that Juan is moving to SLC, and i break down for the fist
time, since the incident, that would be all fine and dandy
if it hadn't happened in school, so everyone finds out
what happened, and no one believes me at all, the guys
tell of how Juan was crying in the locker room on how he
didnt do that, Juan moves, but everyone blames it on me,
and they tell me from time to time still that he was soo
cool and that they loved his bike, and all that, the
wounds have now been turned into scars, Seventh Grade, i
join band and play the French Horn, that summer i join
summer band where for the first time i aquire friends,
Birttany G, Joel, Erick, Jon, Colt, Cole, Chuy, Bridgette,
and Andrea, i couldnt belieive it, i go back to school and
everything is the same, Eighth grade i am back in band and
do summer band again, see my frinds, and make some more.
Nineth grade starts and same o same o, things are ok, and
ife is normal i think, Over the summer of my Nineth to
Tenth grade year, i get my hair cut, supper short, so i
can spike it, and i actually develop a self esteem and
pick out things about me that i like, such as the shape of
my lips, the shape and color of my eyes, ect... i got a
job and learned how to keep a close reign on my temper and
on my emotions, i look people in the eye now and all is
good, life could be better, but i dont want to press my

Now the First Five Months with Cole,

There are many things in life one doesn’t understand ‘til
they are older, and the winter that I turned sixteen I
found out for my self how true that can be. Lets go back
July 16th, 2004, life was good I was with friends and I
was at seven peaks, all was great in the world. I had
found out that Cole had a crush on me, and that I might be
having a boyfriend in the near future. I was on top of
the world. Spending all day with Cole and just getting to
see him in a new light was something new indeed. He was
so fun and joyful and just all around a great guy to hang
out with. The at lunch he asked me out, wow did that
knock my socks off or what he is this great guy that is
handsome, has a brain, and thinks straight most of the
time asking me out. It was a daze me saying yes to him
and then telling my best friend all about what had

Time goes on we see each other quite a lot, he
is kind of shy at first but we get to being more
comfortable with time, August 3rd , I kiss Cole on the
lips for the first time, it wasn’t no big thing with lots
of time spent, it was more like a little peck on the lips
gentle as a butterfly’s wings.

Before we know it we are going on four months
being with each other, we have never “made out”, for we
just didn’t think it was necessary to. A few months back
one of Coles friends move to my school, he was nice I
guess, I didn’t really pay much attention to him. I talk
to Eric one the phone and he is ok to talk to, one day he
calls me and tries to do this three way calling with Cole
so I can talk to him, (Cole’s dad doesn’t really like me
and didn’t think Cole should have a girlfriend). Cole
doesn’t pick-up the phone and so Erick and I continue on
with our conversation and we say some things about Cole
and about other things as well. Anyhow what we didn’t
know at the time was that the whole conversation was being
recorded on to Cole’s answering machine. The next day I
go to Kamas as I do every Friday and Cole tells me about
the conversation that he over heard. I literally run out
of the building, not wanting to look him in the face. At
that moment in time I didn’t remember what I had said over
the phone. I go over to Cole’s house and we hang out for
a little bit and laugh and have a tickle fight. When I
get home and go and sit at the computer I remember what I
had said on the phone the other night to Eric. I was
devastated over it I knew that I would never be able to
look Cole in the face again. The week goes by and I go
back over to Kamas and Cole is a little distant and drawn
in to him self, I notice but don’t say a thing. Another
week goes by and Cole is still acting the same way, only
this time there is another thing Alyssa is all over him
and talking to him a lot, now I have known for a little
while that Alyssa had liked Cole, but I didn’t think she
was going to make a move on him when he still had a girl
friend. (Boy was I ever wrong!)

Next week is Thanksgiving so I am not able to
go over to Kamas to see Cole, and nore do I see him at
church on Sunday.

My sweet 16 is coming up and all of my friends
are invited, I didn’t think Cole would be able to come,
but he surprises me and is able to, now this is a problem,
because in the last week that I had been thinking Cole
would not be able to come I had sort of developed a crush
on that Eric guy.

The party comes and all is grand I have
friends all around and I choice that I have to make over
which guy to be with, one that I have been with for almost
5 months or one that I haven’t even known for that long.
In the end I told Cole I just wanted to be friends and I
thought he took it well, but after talking to Chuy the
following week I found out other wise.

No more than 30 minutes after calling things
off with Cole, Eric asks me out. Also for the fist time
in my life had a French, it was not at all what I expected
it to be. So I am with Eric for a week when I discover
that I don’t really like Eric as much as I thought I did.
So I break up with him, also during this time I can’t stop
thinking about Cole and how he used to hold my hand and
talk to me about nothing really important. Soon I realize
that I am actually 100% in love with Cole and have been
for the last 2 or 3 months. So on my computer on December
10th I type a letter to him telling him all that I had
ment to tell him but never could and how sorry I was that
we had broken up and how stupid I was to think some one
else could take his place within my heart. I don’t see
Cole at church on Sunday, I don’t risk calling him. So
one night I am on messenger and Erick Mason comes online
and he is a good friend of mine so I tell him what is
going on, and about the letter I want to give to Cole.
Erick offers to give Cole the letter, and then tell me
what Cole said about it. This was on Tuesday December
14th I call Erick later that night it turns out Erick had
forgotten to take the letter to school, to give to Cole.
So on Wednesday December 15th, Erick give Cole the letter.
I call Erick again and I am told that Cole had said
nothing yet, but at the mention of my name his face had
fell. That cut me deep and I couldn’t breath that well
for a moment. After getting off the phone with Erick I go
on to the computer at my house I read the letter Cole had
read that day, what I felt was this giant weight being
pressed down on my chest, just at the thought that Cole
had read the words on how I felt and about things that I
could not tell him. Thursday December 16th, 2004 I type
this paper hoping to clear my thoughts of all that is
going on, I pray that Cole takes me back and that he has a
forgiving heart. I will find out when I get home and talk
to Erick on messenger once more. My heart is fluttering at
the thought and I am scared of what Cole’s decision is.
Life is hard, and words are cheap at times but I know with
all my heart that Cole was going to be the love of my
life. Now I just need to try and be clam and wait,
(something that I am not good at, at all!) try to just be
kind and patient with all people ( but I am not a doctor
so I don’t have any patients!). Well i go to Kamas and
find out that Cole does want me back so he asks me out,
and all is fine i think until Alyssa finds out and totally
says that Cole was leading her on. which i dont know but
here is a little excerpt from Chuy (my friend that i was
my best friend) He is telling about the party that Cole
asked me out at, "Ugh, and guess who showed up!?!?! Jamie
did!!! I'm not too fond of her right now only because Cole
asked her out again, and i can just feel that it won't
work out... AT ALL!! It's only going to last a few weeks,
i bet. And the worst thing is that by Cole asking Jamie
out, Alyssa got hurt and said that Cole was totally
leading her on... damn hormones."
I dont know who to believe and all i want is to be with
Cole becasue i love him, and Alyssa isn't even one of
my "friends" so if she is going to freak-out over nothing
she had to begin with then i dont give a rats A**, i was
with cole for 5 months before we broke up for a little
over a week, so who is she to dictate who Cole goes out
with or not.
That thing with Chuy has been really eating at a lot of my
friends and they can't believe that he would not want us
to be together. Back acouple months ago at a NS vs. SS
game i was talking to Jon and Colt about how Chuy has
tried to control their lives, now i totally see where they
are comming from, after all, who is he to tell me who i
can and can't go out with, just because he doesn't think
that it will work out, at the beginning everyone thought
that Cole and I would not last 4 days, let alone a week,
and Chuy was one of them so i have proven him worng. Some
people are just strange i guess, wanting others to be
single and miserable so they can be there to comfort them,
Ever since this last summer, when i lost a bunch of mass,
and got an actual self esteem, chuy and i have not been on
the same page, for i used to go to him for advice, and for
comfort, but ever since then, and ever since Alyssa, he
isnt my Best Friend anymore, he is just a friend, and he
doest even talk to me, and tell me when he is mad at me, i
have to find out by going on line and searching out his
dairy which isnt hard because he has shown me where it so
about 100 times. Still the fact that he would post to the
world to see that he is mad at me and doesn't believe that
my relationship will last really gets me pissed.