Living Out Loud
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2004-12-16 14:18:33 (UTC)

live while dreaming? or dream while living?

so random thoughts run through my head...

i know that i'm perfectionistic. everything has to be
right. i should be getting a 4.0 this semester, which is
the first semester in a long time i've done so.

i think i'm going to be a workaholic when i'm older.
there's just so much to be done. hell, i'm a workaholic
now. i'm always looking for something productive to do,
something to keep myself busy and fill my time.

i'm starting to get into this idea of me being a free
agent in the romantic world. i really don't have to have
any loyalties to anyone. i mean, i do to my boyfriend,
obviously, but it's kind of good not to be in love or even
that attached to him. i sometimes have to remind myself
that i have a boyfriend sometimes, but it's good to know
that i am an independent agent and can leave whenever i
feel it's for the best.

he's such a sweetheart, but things are really awkward
sometimes. i feel like i'm teaching everything, and we
always do the same thing. meet up, watch a movie, make
out, go home at parietals. i wish we could do something
else, or at least not have it assumed that after the
movie's over we're going to make out.

arg. i think i'm just looking for things wrong right now.
i'm pretty sure i made a mistake in getting in to this
relationship. i wanted a companion, yes, and i was lonely,
but i think it will only end in me breaking up with him
(because i'm not that interested, i'm just looking for
somebody to like me) and him being hurt. i should have
just avoided it from the beginning. oh well, we'll see how
it all shakes out.

but i have to work on this stupid take home essay test
that was due a while ago (the first evidence of
slacktitude on my part this semester), so it's back to the
lab again... :