Hakerz338

Grass is Greener on the Other Side
2004-12-16 08:15:21 (UTC)

trust

I felt like crap today. I spoke with LSR, and I dunno. Our
conversations are just...not so great. I feel like I'm
always begging her to come back to me. I hate this. I've
been sitting around for 3 months, we'll be apart for 3
months, and I'm falling. She asked me how I could have
fallen so far. Seriously, I'd trade shoes with anyone right
now. My bank account is now empty, so later on it doesn't
get cleaned out because of the court decision. I'll be
losing my car, unless I hand it over to my father, however
the loan will not transer. So I have to deal with that. I
have to declare bankcrupcy, which won't clear for like
several years, which sucks, no good credit for me. Next, I
won't be able to go back to school with bankcrupcy on my
credit record, no one wants to give you a loan. So with all
this on me, I'm falling. Walk in my shoes and maybe you'd
see. That's only the physical stuff. Emotionally, everyday
I wish things would change between me and LSR. I'm not her
bf, which i really want to be agian. I don't know how to
explain how she made me feel. It was a rush, a high, I
didn't think, it would end. I guess if it was a mutual
ending then I wouldn't hurt as much as I do. I don't know.
I feel like such a pussy. She's telling me it'll all be all
right. She believes we'll be together, just not now. I sit
here thinking about that. She says if it's meant to
be...Here I am telling myself, people can be wrong. I'm
telling myself, that I need to just believe in her and us.
Doesn't make it easier. I just don't want to sit around. I
don't want to sit around and realize that I've been waiting
for the one to walk into my life. I just think that I'm
going to be the one getting hurt at the end of this.
Finding out that she's with a guy that's a thousand times
better than me and she's happy without me. I guess the only
thing I want is for her to be happy. Life hasn't been so
kind to me. Spoke to spencer and got dates and everything
worked out for Jersey, I leave Jan. 17th and I'll be back
by the 31st, depends on how things are. I may be back
earlier, or later. I'm excited and nervous about Jersey.
It's been six years, I don't know what I'm walking into. I
don't like sitting back and letting things come to me. I
hate THIS. I'm riding the coatails of hope and love. Right
now I only believe the words she says and I hold them true.
Gulp...things can only get better right? Love isn't an easy
game to play. Sigh...


3:15 AM




Ad: