**Blue Vodka Fairy**

If you could only read my mind...
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2004-12-14 23:11:36 (UTC)

A matter of trust

hey dudes...

Over the past few days i've noticed that me and stuart have
got closer than we were before, which is good...but its not
the only thing i've noticed.
I find it really hard to trust people and it can take me
ages to trust people with even the slightest thing, so it
kinda shocked me to realise just how much i trust him now.
Like tonight we were walking n jul started walking
backwards then he did too n i pointed out i didnt like it
cause i dont feel safe so he turned me round so i would
have to walk backwards and held me like that so i couldnt
turn back round. I dont like it cause i dont feel safe but
it didnt seem that bad cause he was there and i trusted him
enough to believe that he wouldnt let me fall or anything
so i still felt safe. It kinda shows that i must have some
trust in him, cause usually i dont feel safe, but knowing
that he was there took that fear away.
Also i have a fear of people touching my neck ( i dont
totally know why, i think it stems from being little and
also the amount of horror movies i've watched, lol). All my
mates know that though so they do it cause my reactions
amusing...grr...lol. Stuart was one of the ones who done
it, and i still hated the feeling, i dont like people
touching the back of my neck...it makes me feel really
unsafe and a lot more vulnerable than usual. He decided at
one point that if he kept doing it then i would build up a
tolerance to it, but it didnt really work that well. It
seemed to actually start working cause it didnt bother me
as much when he done it, but when jul done it i got the
same feelings of being unsafe and stuff, and i hated the
feel of it. I kinda realised then that the only person that
i dont mind being near my neck is stuart, which is amazing
cause i didnt think i could get over that fear, even if it
is only one person. Its like when he does it, i still get
the feelings to begin with, but as soon as i realise who it
is it starts to not bother me as much. I'm pretty sure he's
noticed i've built up a tolerance to it...dunno if he's
realised its only with him though. Its like i know he wont
hurt me, or at least i trust him enough to think he
wouldnt, so even though i hate people touching my neck,
with him i know im not in any danger so i can get over
feeling unsafe. I actually realised i like the
feeling...lmao...something i never thought i would say
since i have a fear of it. I dunno...i guess it can work
both ways...cause ur neck is a sensitive part of ur body,
so if someone touches it then it can make u feel
vulnerable, which is what happens to me. I dont like that
feeling and it makes me feel unsafe, and i think a lot of
that is to do with the fact i find it hard to trust people,
so im afraid of being vulnerable around them. However,
with stuart i trust him enough to think that he wouldnt do
anything to hurt me, so being vulnerable doesnt bother me
and because of that i dont get the feeling of being unsafe.
I guess thats how i noticed that i actually like the
feeling..i didnt have to focus on fear so i was able to
focus on the feel of it instead... lol ^_^ go me! i worked
something out!
So yeh, i've only mentioned like 2 things, but hey, it
still proves that i can actually trust people, it jst takes
me longer than some people to be able to put trust in
someone. glad i did though...now i have one less person
that can annoy me by touching my neck ^_^ lol.

Nikki
xx


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