Timothy

Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2004-12-14 18:22:44 (UTC)

the central arguement that I..

the central arguement that I often have with myself is
often, “Why am I doing this?”,
“Why aren’t I doing something else?”, “Why am I succumbing
to that which I abhor?”,
“You’re an idiot, you should be off being someone else, with
someone else.”

Of course, the most obscure reference to anything I can
think of is possibly the idea
that i am who I am, and I’ve just been lying to myself and
others my whole life
without embracing that which I have become. I suppose in the
end, we are what we
experience. I’ve know very few who change, even fewer for
the better, willingly.

If it were the abject horror of the pain I’ve been known to
inflict, I’ve often justified
it away as though it were nothing more than my needs come
before all else. I can’t
survive without being the monster I’ve been portrayed as.
And yet, in comparison,
I’m not really as bad as most, I am perhaps just more honest
about it, and I subscribe
to the golden rule, “don’t shit where you eat, and if you
have to, clean up the mess.”

There’s something to be said for that kind of logic I’m
sure. Not that I know, nor can
I quite wrap my brain around it, possibly for the same
reason that I will do whatever
I want, when I want, and how I want to, regardless of the
consequences.

I think perhaps the only time I ever felt I let someone down
was one day I was in my apt
with my gf fighting about something that really didn’t
matter, and my resident moral compas
called me over because she’d hear something about me, and I
hadn’t told her. That she lived
less than a block from me at the time, and I didn’t see her
that often, was always something
that I’d sort of regretted. Being a good friend is something
I try to think of myself
as being the only thing I’m really good at. There are more
things I’d rather face than
disappointing a friend, firing squad, a great white shark,
and my ex, lol.

I’ve come to think, it may be time for me to go and talk to
someone about the stuff
to which I’ve become accustomed to, or being. I’ve put it
off long enough I think. But
I haven’t the faintest idea if what I need is a shrink, or a
priest. or both perhaps.

The nights grow longer, the dreams rampant in their decay,
the terrors of the night
bleed out into my daily existance, as stagnant as I have
come to view it.