Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-12-13 18:30:08 (UTC)

Exams ... Again

It's 1213, Monday. 1241pm. Last I checked, it was about 33
degrees outside.

I'm nervous. Although, not in the way that would probably be
obvious. I finished my first exam this morning, at a time
when most people were still working on the 10 page final.

I'm currently attempting to study for my next math exam, ...
probably an 8 page thing to wrestle with.

It's not that I'm nervous about taking my exam. In fact, I
am 95% confident I aced my first exam. It's also not so much
that I'm nervous about the second exam ... even though I've
like, been missing classes for the last two weeks. I saw the
review sheet we got for the final exam, and it's nothing
that I can't do already

No. I'm nervous because my body is having a hard time
shutting down. My boy is turned "on" and it's made me hyper
active and exhausted at the same time. I took a 30 minute
nap awhile back, and now I am feeling ... jittery. The whole
staying up thing ... the only way I can describe it, is a
mixture of jet lag and reverse jet lag.

I feel like I need to run, to exhaust the surplus of
adrenaline in my system. But, where would I run?

I was just reading Echo's email to me. I had read it earlier
before in the morning, but I re-read again as something to
get my mind off my body. The email was heartwarming. I
re-read it again and again, and I found myself craving more
of her words. So I started to read her old emails to me,
which I have archived.

They were ... thought provoking. An interesting insight into
how our relationship has changed. I mean, there are certain
things she told me that she really loves about our
relationship ... and I had to wonder if they still exist. I
would like to hope they did.

I don't think I'm making any sense here.

She said in one email that she enjoys that she can just tell
me whatever is on her mind at the moment. Which was
reminiscent of when I had complained in a previous entry
about how I was more into heavier conversations. Which
reminded me of how I accused her of not being serious. I can
only imagine how much that must have hurt her. I feel ...
regretful of what I said. It seems that it wasn't that she
was not serious ... it was just that it was one of the
things she enjoys about me. Being able to make such
conversations.

One thing is for sure, I have to start re-reading all our
old emails. I think maybe, it will offer me insight into ...
something. Something positive hopefully.

My mind is so drained. I don't know if I can do the next
exam. Well, I always say things like that. But, in reality
... I think I secretly enjoy the pressure. In a masochistic
kind of way.

Mental exhaustion is just another way to grow and become
even stronger than before. Well, look at that. A positive
outlook. I guess I can't say that I'm pessimistic all the time.

Well, I'll end this here. 30 minutes till my last exam of
the day.




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