An insiders' perspective into the mi
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2004-12-13 01:18:59 (UTC)

Let's get you up to speed!

Firstly, welcome! My name is Amie, and I'm very happy you
have joined me. Before we start with the more up to date
ramblings, let's get you caught up shall we.. so you know
what's going on in this strange existence I like to call my
life.. ENJOY! And remember, all comments are highly
appreciated.. if you want to compliment, that's all good..
if you want to flame me, that's... not so good, but I have
fire extinguishers on hand waiting readily. Seriously
though, feel free to say whatever you want to me, I love
all comments good or bad, and believe me..I always have a
retaliation, so remember that before you bring in the flame



November 8th 2004

Why do lesbians always fall for the straight girls?

It's a well known fact that if you go to any healthy
homosexual woman and ask the question, "What is the number
one rule of being gay?" She will reply with, "Never fall in
love with a straight woman". So that's where it should end
right? Every lesbian knows that it's bad news flirting with
that "oh so out of reach" woman next door, or looking
suggestively at that "really gorgeous girl at the gym
that's always surrounded by big beefy sweaty men". So, if
it's a time enduring commandment, why do we still do it?
Why can one look or innocent touch from that beautiful
straight woman said us running? In her direction?!?
Well, my name's Amie. I'm an 18 year old lesbian identified
female, I've had one serious relationship, that ended a
month and a half ago. We were together for a year and she
turned out to be a user, but that's a journal that I closed
along time ago. Ok, so let's start where all this turmoil
began for me.
I work in a print finishers, we have about 20 full time
workers, most are men. When the jobs get busy, we hire in
workers from an agency. There is usually agency workers in
every day, but obviously some days more than ever. The
workers come and go, maybe you will meet one in April, they
work for 3 weeks and then disappear until they get called
in again in December. You never know when they might decide
to take a break.
Anyways, three weeks ago, I walked into work, and there
were two girls. The way they looked at me when I walked
past, I thought instantly that they didn't like me. I kept
to myself, and ignored their glances for the whole night,
(I work night shift.. 6:30pm - 5am). But the next night, I
found myself noticing one of the women more and more. Well,
I realised she was Lithuanian, but spoke English well, she
seemed quiet, not talking to many people.
She didn't come back to work for about a week after that,
and I thought she'd be gone for good. Then one day, there
she was, with who I now know is her cousin. Well, my friend
was sick of me dribblin' so to speak, so she went and asked
this girl "if she had a man?" The girl answered she had
a "friend". My mate basically told her that I liked her and
thats all. Now, I don't know if she just did this because
she knew I liked her or what, but she seemed to look at me
more, and when we worked close together she'd brush my
hands when getting something, or brush past me when passing
me. It drove me crazy. I only have to work monday to
Thursday, so if we work friday its overt-time, and we are
not required to wear uniform. So that day, I went to work
dressed how I dress daily, baggy jeans with my boxers
underwear band showing, a tight white top with a tribal
design, skate belt, chains on my jeans, studded wristbands
and a sweatband and chained necklaces, and some burberry
perfume. Now I am not trying to big myself up here, because
believe me I don't think I am anything special, but that
day, when I entered, she looked me up and down several
times and then gave me this really sexy smile.. I almost
Well, I became hooked.. I saw her everywhere, when I was at
work, when I was at home I thought about her, and when I
slept as an escape, there she was invading my dreams. So I
couldn't take no more, one day we were working together so
I sent her a message via bluetooth on her phone.. I simply
put "Are you straight?", she smiled and said "I'll tell you
later". Well, I found out she is indeed straight. That
should of been the end right? After all.. I know and
telling myself over and over.. stay away! But I couldn't..
I talked to her more and more.. and now we speak on the
internet, she knows I like her, and says I'm really sweet
but sorry she's straight, but she want's to be my friend.
Which is good right? Friends is better than not being in
her life at all. It's easy right? WRONG! When we talk on
the net, she seems to be so cool.. not really saying
anything to hold a strong conversation, just one word
answers etc. So I play it cool too? nope! I ask more
questions.. begging for more information. Then I get
irritated when I don't get it, so I say again, the next day
at work...STAY AWAY!
And I do, or atleast I do until she comes over and asks me
in this so sweet concerned voice "are you ok? what's
wrong?". Then I'm back to square one.. crawling behind her,
tongue trailing behind. And the worst: FRIENDS
HUG!!! "Operation : stay away" always fails miserably
because TWICE we have hugged.. and boy.. does she give a
good hug, pressure and rubbing and.. oops.. lets stay
Anyways, the outcome of these three weeks of frustration?
hahaha! I'm going to the cinema with her Saturday, and
iceskating sunday, both times just me and her, how will I
survive? I've never spoken to her face to face outside
work.. I think that might just be the last little thing to
kill me..
So back to my original question. "Why do lesbians always
fall for straight women?" To hell If I know, but if someone
does, please tell me the answer asap before I go completely

Not only do I have to prepare myself for seeing that
beautiful girl tomorrow, I have a very busy weekend to get
ready for.
Let me see, today is monday the 8th, mum's birthday is the
13th, that's one two... Damn! The 13th is Saturday!! My mum
said she wants her birthday alone with my stepdad Mark,
it's the big 40! or the 21st as she insists. Oh well, that
allows me to go out and not feel too guilty about it. So I
ordered her present already, she wanted some crappy tv
series called 2000 acres of sky on dvd so I got those for
So the schedule for the weekend is as follows;
FRIDAY EVENING: Go to some bar with friends from work, and
the day time supervisor who I absolutely despise, but what
can you do?
SATURDAY DAYTIME: Go to the London Dungeons with one of the
bar goers from the night before, if she is not too hungover.
SATURDAY EVENING: Go to the cinema with the Lithuanian
girl, let's call her Rugile. The movie itself shouldn't be
too hard... Silence!
SUNDAY DAYTIME: Go Ice-skating with Rugile, I'm a little
uncomfortable at that thought... It should be an
interesting day.

Well wish me luck... with Saturday evening and Sunday
daytime.. I need it!

Today is the day, today I turn over everything that has
happened so far, I put everything behind and start again.
If you are unclear what that means, here's the simple
version. From this point forward,I will forget my
unrequited feelings for Rugile, and take my first steps
into the friendship that she is offering me. I say my first
steps as in these past few weeks, I have been her friend
with a devious intention plotted for the future. I had the
idea that I would become very close friends with her, and
then get her drunk and then make my move.. Don't worry, I
can now confidently say that the light has been bought to
my attention. How sad am I? Making some kinda stupid plan
like that just so I could get one make out session? or
possibly a smack in the face? I realised somewhere last
night, that I care about this girl, even if I don't know
her that well, I want to. So, if I care about her, I can
have the dignity of saying "ok, we're done here", and just
get on with getting to know this person instead of wasting
time dribblin'. So that's it, this drooling pahthetic shell
you know so far is done, and the replacement? ME!! From
here on out I am myself, so be afraid, you never know what
kinda shit I might come out with! I get mood swings and I
ramble off topic alot.. so enjoy!
Let's start with a very important statement:
The time is now, 18 minutes past 2pm, I woke up at 1pm, got
straight in the bath, then I tidied my room quickly. Now as
I sit here, I can smell the lasagne that my mum is baking
me downstairs.. and mmmmmmmmn she makes good lasagne. Was
that a serving spoon I just heard?
I'm actually looking forward to work today.. hard to
believe, by even myself. And no, it's not beacuse Rugile
will be there, I don't actually know why I wanna go so
much, usually you have to drag me out.
Oh yea, in my frustration last night I didn't write about
saturday, and what I did. Well, I took my thirteen year old
brother to go shopping in Camden town. (Camden=punk,goth
shopping location), I got him some new trousers and then we
headed up to leicster square, at 2pm we went to the cinema
to watch a movie called "My summer of love", that was quite
good, it's about two girls that meet and begin a friendship
that turns into love and ends in obsession. Good story and
the girl on girl action is always good too.. :D after that,
we went to burger king, where we both ate double bacon
cheeseburger and fries meal.. super sized.. lol. i'm a pig!
After that, we went back to the cinema, at 4:45pm we
watched "The grudge", starring sarah michelle gellar and
the only man I would ever be with, Jason Behr, lol. Well,
my brother insisted that we sit in the front row (well, 3
rows back, close enough), he always sits close, I think he
changed his mind when the movie started though, he was a
little frightened, kept hiding behind the popcorn! And the
people behind us kept kicking our chairs when they were
gasping. I've seen the original, "ju-on" so I knew pretty
much what was gonna happen. The Americans have made the
movie better, better special effects etc, but for me, it
still wasn't scary, just jumpy in places.
Well, I'm eating my delicious lasagne now, yum!

Wish me luck on "operation: stay away!"

That sounds familiar?


November 9th 2004

I'm updating late today, but I have a very good reason for
that. I slept in! To tell the truth, work last night was so
boring and unevenful, I felt lazy the whole time, and when
I come home feeling lazy, I wake up in the same mood. So
instead of waking at my normal time of 1pm, I awoke half-
heartedly at 3pm. Literally dragging myself out of the nice
warm confines of my oh so empty bed, I cleaned out my pet
mouse "patches o' marley"'s house and then went on the net.
So the big question is... How did "Operation : stay away!"
go last night?
Well, I can tell you that it was a huge success! It's not
that I didn't think about Rugile at all,I did, but not
alot. But I didn't talk to her, walk past her, or even look
at her! I came home feeling a little satisfaction with
myself, after overcoming the night with such great force.
Now If I'm to be totally honest with you, which I am and
always will be, I'd tell you that the reason last night was
probably so easy for me to ignore this beautiful woman, was
because last night, She wasn't even there! That's right,
she didn't work last night, I didn't see her! I've spoken
to her briefly today on the internet, she says she's not
feeing well at all, but she hopes to work tonight.So, we
will see how it goes on day two, when the target is
actually in the same building as me!
I'm hungry, again. I think you will soon realise that I am
usually always hungry! Today I believe I am having chicken
You know what the beauty of this journal is? I can ramble
on, about all the shit in my life, mention names, people's
secrets, everything, and it doesn't matter. No one that is
reading this know's me, so I can tell as much or as little
as I want. As I like to chat alot, it will probably be the
first! So, let me go get something quickly, and then I
think I will have another ramble, as I enjoy it so much.

(Here is that story from the description above)

Good morning boys and girls, let me tell you a story. But I
warn you, this is a not your average fairy tale, this is a
twisted tale, one of much horror and mind games. This is
the story of a young girl, that somewhere along the lines
became a twisted using monster!

This is the story of my ex girlfriend!!

"Caution: Contains strong horror and played emotions, don't
read at night" ;D

"Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a
little girl called Kelly. Kelly had a very terrible
childhood, her parents didn't pay her the attention she
craved, so she satisfied herself with drawing.
When Kelly grew up, she wanted nothing more than to go to
art school, but her daddy wanted her to get a more academic
education, thus, more complications arose.
In the town of London, our victim sits at the computer, she
is a 17 year old girl, typing her opinions on a messsage
board. She is discussing one of her favourite bands with
her friends online. Suddenly, from the far corners of the
screen, a magical fairy called Instant message appears.
Instant message says, "Hi, you're from London? That's so
cool". That's how it began, over the next three months,
Instant message paid many visits to our victim, each time
telling her that it had been sent by a mysterious Kelly,
sometimes the IM fairy came alone, but more commonly, it
was accompanied by it's best friend fairy MSN.
After 3 months, our victim was bored of the fairies alone,
so invited the sender, Kelly, to travel the great distance
and visit her for a long weekend. Well, that Saturday, at
high noon, Our Victim made her way to Paddington station,
where a great howling horse could a train would bring her
long awaited Kelly to London. The meeting was intense,
uncomfortable, and our victim found herself wishing that
Instant message and MSN were around to offer some comfort.
Skipping the details, lets just say that Kelly never spent
the weekend, she spent a year!!!
For many months, Kelly and our victim moved closer
together, opening up, telling their stories, this would be
a lovely romance story. I wish I could say "The end" but
no, here's where the terror begins.
Kelly quit her job, after complaints that a big fat ugly
ogre by the name of Doreen was verbally bashing her at
work, she had savings, but spent them very quickly, not
seeming to think about the Rent that she would eventually
not have the money to pay. She seemed not to care that she
didn't have a job, and made no effort to find one, when the
pair ventured out into the world, to dine or spend the
evening in the company of aqquaintances, our victim paid
for most things, not because she had to, but out of the
kindness of her heart. Our friendly victim, also known as
the BFG to some, also despised work, a decrepied knight
that situated there made times a problem. BFG became very
unhappy, stress from all corners of her small world, work,
the stress from Kelly not having a job, the stress from
Kelly in general, BFG began not wanting to awake in the
mornings, not wanting to go to work,never go out, to
basically not exist. Kelly didn't help, she would insist
that BFG was planning to leave her, was cheating on her,
would scold her for just glancing at another woman, accuse
her of going with men. All these factors ended with our
victim taking 2 months off work suffering from Depression.
After this, BFG was desperate to end the relationship with
Kelly. But Kelly would retailiate, turning on the guilt,
making BFG feel so sorry for her.
Fast forward another month.
BFG had been trying desperately to find Kelly a job, and
after joining the nightshift herself, which Kelly despised
and made that fact known nearly 24/7, BFG got her a temp
job at Delta, her own workplace on dayshift with the
agency. Unknown to our victim, when she had been off for
the two months, a mysterious stanger had arrived in Delta.
Kelly made friends almost immeadiately with this stranger,
who was supposedly a Light enchanting seriously bad
intriguing anonymous man (take the first letter from each
word, starting with Light). When BFG and the stranger met,
BFG was unimpressed, expecting to see some handsome prince,
our victim was introduced to no more than a toad! Over the
next month, The princess and the Toad became very close
indeed, so close infact that when our victim lie sleeping
in the mornings from a hard night at work to support Kelly,
she was out of bed and down delta faster than you can say
puff the magic dragon! She would leave BFG at home alobne
hungry, while she ran down to give the mysterious toad food
and drink. BFG didn't mind too much though, she was pleased
that Kelly was away, but she didn't like the fact that
Kelly was making people believe she was the town Jester!
After about 3 weeks of the strange toad being in town, BFG
had had enough! She was 100% certain that kelly and the
toad were having a secret affair, even BFG's mother and
stand in father saw that something was going on. BFG was
happy and angry, happy that maybe Kelly had found somewhere
else to go, but angry that she would not just admit her
sins. Well, all came to a head, after 6 weeks of Kelly not
having a job and spending all her time with the toad who
was the girlfriend to big time movie director Quentin
Tarantino, the female version, BFG realised that that day
would go down in history, today was the day she would slay
the dragon! She went on the internet as was astounded when
a fairy called Email called upon her attention and showed
her past messages Kelly had sent the Toad, they were words
of love and adoration and promises that they would be
together soon, also saying what a fool the BFG was for
being fooled. This sent our victim into a powerful rage,
mounting her horse Barracuda, she strode down to Delta at a
high speed, marching in the building she pulled Kelly out
in front of everyone and told her in not so many nice words
that everything was over, and that she had to get out her
So Kelly went, she seemed quite pleased to go live with the
toad, but all did not end there.
Two weeks later, the toad contacted BFG and informed her
that Kelly had broke her heart, and that she was now with
Quentin, and the toad was now alone. Our victim told her
she deserved everything that had happened to her.

Fast forward a month,
BFG sits typing at the computer, talking to Instant
message, who is bearing conversation from Jason, a good
friend on the net.
She looks around her room and smiles, knowing how lucky she
is now that Kelly is out her life. Everything is bliss, she
has her family and friends back, she's meeting new people,
going out again, completely redecorated room, everything is

And Kelly you ask? what ever happened to her?
She sits in a pile of trash.. no I'm lying, we must always
tell the truth. Kelly sits at home,snorting cocaine with
Quentin, slashing up her arms and being her same
manipulating self, and that is the truth.

The moral of the story kids; The sweetest smile can hide
the ugliest monsters.

Lost in this year: Dignity, a whole lotta money, friends,
Gained in the last month; Dignity, confidence,friends,
mind, a whole lot more than I would of if I was still with

~~The end~~


Thank you for listening to my story, lol.. I was feeling
bitter, but the whole story is true, I am the Baby filth
Griffin (BFG), my mum calls me that name, personal joke
don't worry. I feel lazy still.. work in an hour...


Novemeber 10th 2004

Daily status from"Operation: stay away!: Day two
successful, was target in sight? No! Rugile was still off
sick yesterday!

I have to say that yesterday was one of the most annoying
days at work ever. I have NEVER seen so many playstation
and PC games in my life! You see, Delta, the place I work
is a print finishers, so we make a whole lot of things,
when you go to the cinema, those big standees you see...
us, in supermarkets Sainsbury's, Tesco etc, all those
things you see around.. us.. and a hell of a lot more! So
anyways, yesterday we doing a thing for a games store, and
we had 10,000 pc,playstation,gamecube and xbox games on the
benches, it was crazy! And it was pissing me off cause it
was so crowded and every where you looked was just games,
and the painful truth is I think it will be the same job
when we go back today. So, today, I am NOT looking forward
to going to work. Shit job and no Rugile to chat to.
I don't really have much to say today, I bought a webcam
today, but afraid to use it, I am waaaaaaaay too ugly!


November 11th 2004

Tonight at work "Operation: Stay away!" was blown to pieces!
I need a new mission handle, will update later when I wake
up with all the gory details..


Ok, so, where to begin. Last night was very eventful, I had
a good job at work, and I had fun. As you could probably
tell from this morning's quick update, I have decided that
staying away from Rugile is not what I want. She came to
work yesterday, and seeing her, not feeling too well still,
I just looked at her. I guess you could say I studied her,
what she behaves like etc. I watched from 6pm until 8:30pm
break, and then that's when it hit me. Like 50 ton of
bricks cascading onto my love sick heart. Although I do
find her really attractive, The thing I want more is to
know her. So at 8:30pm I went over to where she was
working, and asked her how she was feeling, she said not
too bad but still not very good. I was just about to start
a conversation with her, and then some really tall
Lithuanian guy came and stood next to her and just stared
at me, when I looked at him, he said "Hello" In this really
rude like "what the hell are you still doing here?" kinda
way, so I just said hey and left feeling really
embarrassed. I swear, the way he looked at me was as if he
had just caught me rapeing her or something. So I went to
break, slightly peeved and curious to who this guy was.
After break, I walked back into the warehouse with my
bottle of ginger beer, which looks like a bottle of
alcoholic beer. I casually walked past Rugile, with the
late "Operation: stay away!" in mind, when I heard her say,
in a shocked voice, "are you drinking beer?" I smiled
deviously and whispered to her, "Yeah, but don't tell
anyone ok" and then put my finger to my lips and gave her a
pouty face. The smile that I was graced with made my
insides melt, and I realised that that was what I wanted,
to spend time with this beautiful girl, and make her smile,
and laugh, because she looks really gorgeous when she's
happy, and hell, the guy she ends up with is one hell of a
lucky man, and If she is still interested in being my
friend when she meets that man, I will make sure he knows
how special she is.. lol. Anyways, after I had that
realization, I thought to myself, to hell with it, I like
to play around with people, I make her laugh, I want to
play with her, like I play with my friends. So when she
came to work back upstairs, where I was working, I started.
I was working with Sophie, my friend from that company for
two years. Me and her had already been playing for half the
time we had been there, our supervisor, Alda, my best
friend, is cool with you chatting and playing around, as
long as the work is your main priority, and me and Sophie
both agree that if you start a job, it gets finished. So
anyways, at 12am break, I went to the canteen to buy a
drink, Sophie came with me, but waited outside smoking, she
asked me to buy her a chocolate and gave me the money, but
I got the wrong one (she asked for any, so I got a kit kat
and then she was like any but kit kat..), so I bought it
off her and got her a different one, when I went back
inside I went upstairs and sat down, resting my head on the
bench, I was so tired. So I was half sleeping and Rugile
came and stood next to me and asked in her sweet
voice, "you ok?" so I said I was just tired, and I woke up
late, too much sleep.. She called me lazy! lol.. then said
she was joking, when she smiled again, the gloves came off,
I was definately gonna start playing with this girl. I gave
her the kit kat because I didn't want it. At about 4am I
made my move, I told Sophie, who I knew would freak out,
that I just seen a mouse. Right as I thought, she gave a
loud yelp and leapt on top of a pallet. Everyone asked what
was wrong and she said "Mooouuuuse!" in a whiney voice.
That was it, chaos reigned, one by one, woman after woman,
everyone was on top of either a pallet or the table.. It
was hilarious, I looked at my target, there she was,
standing up off the floor. I grinned and then told everyone
it was ok, I saw the mouse run under the end bench,
reluctantly they all got down from their quivering spots.
About five minutes later, I went in for the final strike,
and a question I wanted to know the answer to. I put some
coins into the plam of one hand, and covered them over with
the other, as if holding the mouse. I then walked carefully
over to Rugile,.pretending to struggle to keep the mouse in
my hands, when I had her attention, she turned slowly and
backed up a little. I said "here, I have a present for
you", she said "No! It's the rat!" I cracked up then..
lol.. rat. I said "c'mon, don't you trust me?" after a
while she put her hands out slowly, and I put mine above
hers, she said "I'm scared," then I dropped the coins from
my hands, but they fell to the floor, as she pulled hers
away quickly. I put on my best hurt face, and said "I guess
you don't trust me". Then I walked away and contined my
work, I bent down to get something and heard her say "here,
your money" I said "I don't want it, it's bad now, I can't
believe you, leave me alone... no trust" then I laughed,
showing I was joking, before I could prepare, she grabbed
my waist with two hands and shook me gently back and
forward saying "c'mon" and laughing, it was a nice moment,
it gave me that little piece of knowledge that it's ok to
play with her, and she is comfortable playing back. I
usually don't speak with her much at work, because alot of
people know that I like her, because apparantly I look at
her differently to how I do others, so when I talk to her,
everyone watches me and then talks to eachother about it,
and I hate it. I, personally don't have a problem with
people talking about me, I'm used to it, My sexuality has
been a daily chat topic from day one, and that was 2 years
ago, but I don't want to cause problems for her there. But,
after our little joke, and the way she reacted to it, I've
had enough, It made me see that it's ok to be her friend at
and outside work.
At 5am, when we left, I saw her get into her car, well, the
one she borrowed from her friend's mum, she offered me a
lift and I said ok, we dropped off another Lithuanian lady
and then started driving to our area, on the way I told her
there wasn't really any "rat", she just laughed and told me
I'm mean, when she parked the car on my road, I gave her a
light, for her cigarette, and then said thank you, our arms
brushed when we both went for my bag and then she leant
over me to help open the door, something about the whole
time in the car when it was parked was tense, I can't
explain it, she was speaking differently and stuff, it was
like we both wanted to say something but didn't know how to
or what to say.
Anyways, she's coming to work today, so this is officially
the first day of true friendship.
Also, Alda has just discovered she is one month pregnant,
I'm ecstatic for her, she's wanted a baby for so long. And
me, I love babies, but i'm a little young for my own, but
Alda told me something that nearly made me cry, she says
she wants me to be the babies god mother, but to be closer,
like the second mother.. I couldn't believe the passion she
told me with, she said she argued with her husband for
hours because he wants his sister to be the godmother, but
Alda said no, I will be the one. And I accept, more than
Well Delta, prepare for me to play even more today!


November 13th

Why does somebody you hardly know have the power to confuse
you beyond all reason?

Let's start back on Thursday, although I must say, I'm not
in a particulary good mood. So, at work, the job was shit,
as always. Rugile was working downstairs and I was in
charge upstairs, I had to find some things so I spent the
majority of the time downstairs walking around. Blah blah
blah, Rugile was in a playful mood, so was I, we played,
the end. Not. Everything started good, Rugile and I chatted
a little.. played a little. But then, I walked past Armand,
the french guy, and he called me over. He asked me to go
and tell Rugile that he really likes her, I don't know why
but that really pissed me off, Armand is a big pervert! He
definately doesn't deserve to be with her, but anyways, as
asked I went to Rugile and said "I have a message for you
from that asshole over there (pointed to him), he really
likes you" When she blushed and started laughing I got even
more irritated, I asked what to tell him and she said tell
him nothing, so I went back and told him that Rugile didn't
say anything. After that, my mood was sour, I didn't wanna
play and my facial expression looked like I'd just be
lumped by a horse's testicle. On one occasion, I let it
slip with Rugile, Gintare, who is also Lithuanian and was
working next to the beautiful blonde asked me "Amie, what
do you want?" referring to the job, and I answered
bitchily "Don't ask me what I want, I always want what's
complicated" before walking off hastily. Later, I saw
Rugile was pissed off because she had run out of large
rubber bands for the job and only had small ones that were
no good, so I went and checked for more but they had all
gone. On my way back to tell her, I saw a full box of the
bands under one of the benches, so I got them and put them
behind my back, I strode towards her and asked "How much do
you like me?", She looked thoughtful and answered "As a
friend? I don't really know you very well.. so.. 60%) with
that I passed her the rubber bands and she smiled widely
saying "c'mon, give me a hug", ofcourse I wasn't about to
be rude and deny her offer.. ok.. oh hell.. I just wanted
to feel her holding me ok? is that a crime? Nothing
happened after that, except Armand kept bugging me to tell
Rugile how much he wanted her and shit that was highly
annoying and disturbing me. When 5am came I wanted to just
literally run from the building, when I was walking out I
thought I heard my name, but wasn't sure so continued
walking, I stopped to say to Armand, the albanian one, my
friend, not the annoying fuck one... sorry, that I hope he
has a nice weekend, as I was about to walk on I heard my
name again, I turned and it was Rugile, she said "you walk
home today?" I answered yes and she replied "Come, I will
give you a ride". The journey was extremely quick, I just
live 5mins from work, when she stopped to let me out, the
moment was tense again.. But oh well.
When Friday came I was so cold I didn't want to get out the
bed, but I had to, to go and get my mum's birthday card,
when I got home, I just had an hour before I went to
sophie's house to start our night out. Let's just say, I
got really drunk, sophie got out of her head drunk, alda
even got drunk and I think Maxine was about ready to drop
on the floor.
So tonight it's saturday right, remember what I said I was
doing saturday evening? Ha! here's where I'm confused, I'm
supposed to go see a movie with Rugile tonight, but all day
she hasn't come online for me to ask her what time etc,
then, she comes online and we have this really weird
conversation, she usually hardly starts the topic, let
alone anything personal. Here's the transcript of the
conversation from msn;

Amie says:
hey u alrite?
Rugile says:
why u say that?
Amie says:
I'm just saying like.. hello.. how are you?
Rugile says:
im ok
Amie says:
Rugile says:
how lonng i didnt talk with you?
Amie says:
Rugile says:
Amie says:
I think since thursday in the car... y?
Amie says:
why u ask?
Rugile says:
Amie says:
Rugile says:
are u going to work tonight?
Amie says:
no.. are u?
Rugile says:
i dont know but no
Amie says:
u don't know.. but no? lol
Rugile says:
we always se aechother at work right?
Amie says:
Amie says:
Rugile says:
dont u fill tired about this job?
Rugile says:
cause im
Amie says:
yea.. but what can I do? I need money...
Amie says:
if u are tired of it.. then don't come no more I guess
Rugile says:
is just im tired about my job but i thought avybody think
the same
Amie says:
well I am tired of it.. sophie,alda and maxine are too..
but we still come.. until we find another job..
Amie says:
i think everyone is tired of it..
Rugile says:
did i tell u before that i meet a latin guy from chile?
Amie says:
Rugile says:
time ago
Amie says:
Rugile says:
but i mean by internet
Amie says:
oh ok.. so u meet him in person?
Rugile says:
nop but we were bf and gf like 6 month but we break up in
june i thought i told u before
Amie says:
no.. u never told me about any of ur bf's b4.. just that u
had some..
Rugile says:
Amie says:
why u mention him now anyway? sumthin happen?
Rugile says:
Rugile says:
but if u see me in person ask to me what hapend with
Rugile says:
then is better
Amie says:
I dont understand...
Amie says:
are u ok today? u seem different..
Rugile says:
im ok dont worry
Amie says:
ok.. but if u need to talk about anythin.. I'm here ok..
I'm a good listener
Rugile says:
Amie says:
so.. wat did u do last night?
Rugile says:
just sit at home
Amie says:
have fun?
Rugile says:
i mean just chating
Amie says:
oh.. anything interestin
Rugile says:
evrything like always
Amie says:
Amie says:
so.. i guess u don't come cinema?
Rugile says:
Amie says:
Rugile says:
what time?
Amie says:
i dont know... i thought we were going? to see a funny
movie in enfield? i'm so confused...
Rugile says:
ok u know what
Rugile says:
call me by mobil we can talk better
Amie says:
ummm ok...
Rugile says:
remember ask me about vicente
Amie says:
ummm.. ok.. why?
Amie says:
i dont have ur number
Rugile says:
i give to u then..i have to go now my mam want something
that i do
Amie says:
ok.. when should i call?
Rugile says:
wherever u want
Rugile says:
take care
Rugile says:
see u later
Amie says:
the number?
Rugile says:
byebye chauu
Rugile says:
i will be bcak in 10 min
Amie says:
Rugile says:
see u bye bye
Amie says:

Who the hell is Vicente? and why the hell is it so
important for me to ask about him?! Even her msn name
has "Vicente" written in it.. I must be cracking up, and
apparantly she'll be back in 10 minutes, ha, she's been
offline for nearly and hour and a half! Whatever! And she
tells me to call her, but I don't have the number, so she
says she'll give it and then goes offline! am I dumb?! Ok,
you know what? I get the hint, I'm backing off, when or if
she comes back online I am not saying a word to her unless
she speaks to me first, and then I will only answer her,
not ask questions! God I'm pissed off.. Vicente from Chili
can kiss my jean clad ass!


November 14th

Ok, so I think I have some explaining to do, firstly, can
you believe I only just woke up? Jeez, I went to bed 2am
last night and woke up now! That's a record even for me.
Now, if you read the post below, you will see that I was
highly pissed off yesterday, but, the whole thing with
Rugile turned out to be a big misunderstanding.
Vicente is her best friend on the internet for three years.
He is also the person I was talking to yesterday believing
it was Rugile. That's right, the msn comversation I posted
below was actually Vicente not her! What an ass! I was so
pissed off with Rugile, that when she came online again I
just blanked her, and she typed "Hey Amie, sorry I couldn't
come out with you today, I had to work at the bakery". I
typed Forget it, and she asked if I was angry at her, when
I said, No, just confused she asked why, I explained the
whole thing to her and she went to find out who it was I
was talking to, anyways, she discovered it was Vicente..
After that, we just chatted as usual, but it seemed she
opened up a little more finally, I want her to trust me.
Everyone at Delta used to believe that Rugile was a
lesbian, and she asked me yesterday, "Did everyone at work
think I liked girls?" my answer to that was "Yes, and
believe me I wish you did". I was watching her on the
webcam and the smile I got when I said that was beautiful.
I told her "Everyone said I look at you too much, so sorry,
maybe it's my fault" She looked shocked and said "You look
at me?" I answered that I did, alot. She couldn't believe,
she said she'd never seen me looking at her, I couldn't
stop laughing, knowing all those times i watch her, and she
didn't catch me once. She told me I can look as much as I
want.. lol.. so I told her "Ok, I'll look, but I promise I
won't touch ok, Armand will save you" she started laughing
again, and then I was laughing to. I think one of my
favourite things she said last night, that was so sweet and
made me laugh, she told me "You look really nice when you
smile" and I answered "Eww, no I don't" and all she typed
was "I have eyes", lol, for some reason that had me
cracking up.


November 16th 2004

Well, I didn't update properly today and I don't have time
to now. There are three reasons for this, one; I have an
immense amount of pain in the left side of my head,
spreading from the top of my head, through my ear and my
jaw, I even feel it in my teeth, its killing me. I will go
to the doctor's tomorrow. Two; I have spent most the day
ordering new clothes etc from the net, nice punky things.
And three; I am sooooooo friggin' lazy! I only woke up at
3pm, and even then I wanted to go back again. I will update
properly most likely tomorrow. If I wake up. I can't be
bothered to go to work today, I am in too much pain, but Oh
well.. I gotta go.


November 19th 2004

Ok, so I haven't updated in two days. Reason being, I'm
ill. My doctor says I have shingles and my blood
temperature is way too low. So, all I have been doing is
sleeping, eating, drinking lots of fluid and sleeping. I
don't have the energy to get outta my bed. I only dragged
myself up at 9:30pm tonight. *sigh* Christmas is coming,
and believe me I can feel it, around this time every year
Matthew, my brother of 13 years,goes fully into "I want"
mode. I have ordered him 3 gifts already, so I will just
get him a few things here and then when I see them. I am
gonna get Mark (stepdad) Aston Villa Football tickets, and
my mum? I have no idea, she hasn't told me even the
slightest inkling to what she wants.
I have this strange urge to write a story, so I think I
will, but... before I do, I think I should warn you why My
names is "Smutty puppy", I used to be a member of a site
that I wrote erotic fiction for, so the members named me
the smutty puppy and it has just stuck. I'm gonna write a
fanfic, based on Sam and Brooke from the show "popular", if
it ends in some whole-hearted smut I don't know, I havent
got a plan, I'm just gonna write and see what happens. Wish
me luck.. lol.. and god luck to you too, if you read the


Title: The girl next door
Rating: Let's just say NC-17 to cover all areas, I don't
know what the overall rating will be.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Carly pope, Leslie
bibb or their "popular" alias'. I own nothing but my hyped
up imagination. All songs used are owned by the artists
Summary: Ok, this is an Alternative Universe fic, Brooke
has been spending alot of time on the internet after
breaking up with her boyfriend Josh, she's become somewhat
reclusive in her bedroom. She has been talking online for
months with a girl who she has told alot of dark secrets to.

And I watched you, and I couldn't believe what I was
feeling inside...

"So, what's happening?" Brooke sent the instant message
across cyberspace and awaited the answer.
"Nothing much, just packing. You?" A sigh escaped her lips,
running a slender hand through her straight blonde hair.
"Nothing, you know. Just sitting thinking of things that I
could be doing, instead of sitting on my ass staring at a
screen. No offense. How's the packing going? When do you
Brooke had recently discovered that her internet friend was
moving with her mom, after much dispute. The two were
leaving Santa Barbara and resituating to L.A.
"None taken. And the answer is tomorrow,9am. Apparantly we
should arrive at about 3pm. Being as it's sunday I get to
start high school hell the very next day. Oh joy".
Brooke laughed a little, she had become quite fond of this
faceless person she talked with nearly every night.
"I'm sure things won't be too bad".
"Ya right. Didn't you say one time that you are a
cheerleader and like, the most popular girl at school?"
"Yes. What has that got to do with anything?"
"Well, if you are most popular, then the hell hole should
be a walk in the park for you".
"It's not, believe me. Anyways, what school are you gonna
Brooke sat back in her chair, wincing at the soft cracks
her back made in the movement. Raising her glass of water
to her full lips she took a long sip, enjoying the chill of
the liquid.
"Some Pit called Kennedy high, sounds like a great place to
go. Riiiiiight".
At the response, Brooke choked her water back, almost
falling out of her chair. Stumbling to the bathroom she
calmed a little, her breathing becoming steady again. After
she was pleased with her recovery she went back to her
computer and looked at the words.
"That's the school I go to".
There was a long pause, Brooke could imagine that her
companion had now shut down the only link they had and was
running a thousand miles away.
"Wow. I don't know what to say. If I should be happy? I
mean... our social standings pretty much rule out the
option of happy go lucky best buddies. But also, you know
more about me then I have ever told anyone else. You could
destroy me before my feet were even fully in the door".
"I guess we will just have to see what happens".
She still couldn't believe it, her friend had a point, over
the last month, they had both opened up hugely, telling
secrets, problems. This girl knew things that could rip her
popularity from her like a cheap whore's dress.
"I guess. Well, I gotta go. I've packed everything but the
computer, and it's 1am now. So, I need sleep. But I guess
I'll talk to you soon, maybe I will see you monday at
school, lol. I'll just look out for the immensely popular
gorgeous blonde in a cheerleading outfit. G'nite
"Lol, just try not to dribble. Just kidding. Sweet dreams
With that she logged off, wondering about this stranger
that she had become so used to. She tried not to think
about what would happen if they infact did meet in school.
God, what would Nicole do to her? That didn't bare thinking

Brooke was awoken by the sound of screaming outside.
Sitting up straight she ran to the window to see what the
commotion was.
"That's modern art! And I swear, if you even just scratch
that I will break your legs!"
The cheerleader watched in amusement as a middle aged
brunette woman stood firmly in the front yard next door.
She was waving a newspaper around and shouting orders at
two beefy men carrying different pieces of furniture from a
truck. Looked like she was getting new neighbours today,
coincedence. Looking at her watch, and then back at the
scene outside, she frowned. It was 3:30pm, she had slept
in, again. Deciding it was time for her morning/afternoon
jog, she quickly dressed in her track pants and a black t-
shirt, heading for the front door, only stopping to say hi
to her dad and to grab a bottle of water.
On the way back to her house, Brooke noticed that the woman
from earlier was still in the yard, without the beefy apes
and white truck. The yard was mostly clear, apart from a
few boxes, one of which the woman was clearly struggling to
get into the house. Dropping her water on the grass, Brooke
jogged over to the small woman.
"Hey", she said, trying not to startle the woman. "My
name's Brooke, I live next door. You look like you could
use some help?"
The woman, through lack of breath just nodded so Brooke
took a side of the box and they carried it easily into the
living room. After helping to bring in the rest of the
boxes, Brooke wiped her hands on her tracks.
"Brooke McQueen". She stated, pushing her hand out for a
"My name's Jane McPhearson. Nice to meet you, and thank
you. Would you like a drink?" Jane replied, shaking the
young womans hand firmly. Brooke nodded and they went to
the kitchen. Once seated, Jane placed a glass of lemonade
infront of the blonde and then sat down opposite her.
"So, you just moved in. Just you?" Brooke asked, but then
wondered if she had seemed rude.
"No, Not just me. I moved here from Santa Barbara with my
daughter. Hold on a moment".
As Jane stood up and left the room, an awkward emotion
crossed Brooke's features. Big coincedence.
"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!!! come down to the kitchen please!"
Brooke nearly chocked on her drink again for the second
time in 24hrs at the volume of Jane's voice.
Minutes later, footsteps were heard pounding down the
stairs and when Jane re-entered the kitchen, she was with
"Brooke this is Sam, my daughter. Sam this is Brooke, she
lives next door. She helped me with the boxes that you were
to lazy to carry".
Brooke looked up at Sam, and couldn't believe her eyes. She
was most probably the most gorgeous girl she had ever seen,
dark chocolate eyes, dark brown long hair, pale skin that
was just begging to be touched. Brooke realised she was
admiring the girl for a little too long and dragged her
eyes away from Sam's own.
"Nice to meet you". She offered.
"You too". Sam replied, her eyes raking over Brooke's form.
"Well, I have to go, it's almost dinner time. But I hope to
see you again soon. Thanks for the lemonade Mrs McPhearson.
Bye Sam". And she fled, not stopping her hasty walk until
she was back in the sanctuary of her bedroom, suddenly
feeling the urge to talk to her cyber friend.


November 24th 2004

Well, to tell the truth I can't be bothered to continue the
story, lol. I'd rather just add little weird stories now
and then. The reason I haven't updated is as you know, I
have been ill, and I just havent had the energy to write.
Anyways, what's been happening? well, on the Rugile
situation, you know, I thought I had everything under
control. I realised last week, with not being at work and
all, that I was beginning to not think about her as much as
usual. I was finally getting over her, but then I spoke to
her on Sunday, and when I asked her if she was working
monday, she said no, because she probably has a new job now
and so she won't be coming to delta again. It hit me quite
hard, I didn't know what to say. Knowing how much I liked
her, and was beginning to care about her and then knowing
that I probably won't see her again. I was speechless. I
guess it's for the best, after all, I was seriously falling
for a straight girl. But still, I will miss her at work,
she made things alot easier for me there.
I have a problem, lol. Call me a pervert if you will, but
just remember I haven't gotten laid in 2 months! I keep
dreaming about a girl that lives across the road from me,
her names Javell, she's 19. I have had 3 really vivid
dreams about me and her taking part in some xxx antics. I
need a girlfriend!


Just when I was forgetting that I will never see Rugile
again, who turns up.. ON MY DOORSTEP??? The beautiful
blonde herself, she tracked my house down so she could come
and ask me to dinner on saturday... sweet.. I don't know
who else is going though. She looked so beautiful, I
couldn't look her in the eyes, she has this habit of always
keeping eye contact with me and it drives me crazy.. I'm
talking to her right now, I asked her what her type of guy
is.. looks wise, she said "Tall, dark hair, dark eyes".
Well, I'm not tall, I have green eyes but I do have dark
hair... but one problem.. I DON'T HAVE A DICK!! lol.
Sometimes I really wish I was a man, things would be so
much easier, and my friends all say I would make a perfect
man cause I have a great personality.. HA! my ass.
Here's a question.. am I a fool?
Please post your answers.


November 29th 2004

Been a while. I haven't really been doing anything in
particular, just being lazy I guess. My mum and stepdad
were arguing over some innane thing so I just pretty much
kept to myself in my bedroom. I'm going back to work on
Wednesday, I can't decide if I'm happy or not. On the one
hand, I'm a very lazy person, I enjoy just laying around
the house with only my thoughts and the computer as
company, but then again, when you are left with your
thoughts, things start to bother you and you end up
dwelling on things that otherwise wouldnt matter at all. I
didn't go out with Rugile on saturday, for two reasons, the
reason I gave was that I was still feeling ill. Now this
wasn't entirely untrue, but I wasn't feeling sick enough
that I couldn't have gone. The real reason was that, after
much thinking I have gone back to my original plans. That's
right, Operation: Stay away is back in action as of now,
well... actually I kinda put it into action Saturday night.
Like I said, when you are left with your thoughts for a
long time, you think about things alot.. obviously! As the
clogs in my head rotated slowly, it dawned on me that since
her unexpected arrival at my house and the tense mood in
the car, Rugile had somehow managed to put me back in my
place. As unwilling dribbler to her. So I put things into
perspective, I could either go with her on saturday, and
spend the day making a fool out of myself trying to get her
attention, and then wallowing in my self pity that night at
my failure. Or, I could refuse her invitation, spend the
day by my lonesome, and then when she comes online, keep
conversation to the minimum, if any! And by no means be the
first to contact her! Well that's working out great for me,
I haven't spoken to her since Saturday morning, and when
she does come online she doesn't bother to say hi to me, so
it's like she's not even there, and everything will be
easier at work to, because she told me that night in the
car that she now has a new job in an office daytimes. So
there, Rugile is outta my life, I can continue with my
ways. But I can't help wondering still, what was it that
made her drive all the way to Delta that night just to find
out where my house was so she could come and ask me to
dinner? I guess it doesn't matter anymore.
Sunday was more eventful for me, well, the evening was. I
was just sitting here chatting to someone on the net, when
my brother came into the room with a picture JD "my ex" had
drew for him, he joked that he wanted to burn it, and I
said that we totally should. I took my trusty zippo outside
and we lit the picture, growling in frustration when it
wouldn't set alight right away. As we watched the picture
burn, something broke inside me, I went upstairs to my
wardrobe and brought a box out. You see, when me and JD
were together, we used to write eachother letters, and I
kept them all for some idiotic reason, and she kept mine as
far as I know, probably had a good laugh at my expense some
time. Anyways, I took all the letters outside and one by
one me and Matthew burnt them. Every single one, we did
them in turn, glancing at the letters upon them first, full
of empty promises and fake compliments. I felt bile rise up
in me from disgust, it was nice to watch these lying words
fade away into ash. Blowing away in the wind, leaving
emptiness behind, taking all of JD with them. That's it
now, I feel free of her, I did before, but now it's not
just my heart that's free, its my mind, my soul. I kept a
few of the letters, with poems in them, for the pure fact
that I wanted to post them in this journal so that all that
read this can see how one can use the precious words of
love to cover up thier devious intentions.
So, without any further more babbling;

"Will you ever"
By Kelly jayde parkington (JD)

I don't think you will ever understand,
How you have touched my life,
and made me who I am.

I wonder if you will ever know,
How special that you are,
That even on the clearsest night,
You are the brightest star.

Can you ever comprehend,
How you make my dreams come true,
And how you open my heart,
To your love and the things you do.

You guided me in my search,
You're something very hard to find,
An unconditional love exists,
In your body, soul and mind.

Could you ever feel all of,
the love I have to give,
I wonder if you realise that,
you are my will to live.

You are truly beautiful,
beyond what eyes can see,
and having you in my life,
fulfills every part of me.

I love you with all my heart, always.


I wonder how many other people she has muttered such words
of shit to. I can assure you, after I have finished typing
these poems, they are going straight in the trash.


There are many spectacular things that I could compare to
you, and it may seem a strange thing that I would compare
you to something so decievingly simple and tiny, but I feel
like I have found myself a four leaf clover,
that sat in it's perfection,
blended amongst the others.

To observe it from the outside,
was to see something that appeared whole and complete,
As an illusion to its inner fragility,
A barrier to it's destiny.

Reality beared a contradiction,
It had been torn into two seperate halves,
That bled to be placed together by the hands of fate.

I was guided by something that I believe is our shared
And I stumbled unexpectantly across the four leaf clover
that proved to be more than lucky in my life. I'm not
really that supersticious, but I do believe in destiny, and
I know that you are the one lucky charm that I couldn't
live without.

I apologise if it doesn't make sense, I guess emotions are
never simple, especially mine. I just want to somehow show
you what I feel inside. I guess I never truely can. But I
love you with everything that I am, and I always will.
Jayde xXx


"I'm not really that supersticious," ?
Yeah right you're not you cackling old hag!
"I just want to somehow show you what I feel inside. I
guess I never truely can."
Don't worry ho, you showed me real gooooooooood! yeah right!


"Untitled" By Kelly Jayde Parkington (JD)

I remember last night,
How I lay down beside you,
Watching you,
Wanting you.

I remember my body ached,
it ached as though I hadn't slept in a year,
Pressures had grown inside me,
I was convinced that my mind would explode,
yet the pain seem nothing,
Not compared to the aching I felt in my heart.

Do you remember,
how at night we hold eachother,
how I fall into your arms,
I rest there so contently,
How everything that surrounds me disappears,
It doesn't exist anymore,
and somehow time just passes by,
A minute as a second,
An hour as a minute.

I remember how I woke this morning,
cold and saddened,
I sense the emotion behind that look
in your eyes.

Then I remembered those three words,
that passed your lips,
I love you,
and it occured to me,
That it is only when you say these words,
I feel complete again.

I realised that,
to hold you is to replace a part of me,
that is lost without you,
and that is when my heart sank,
knowing that I wasted those precious
moments that my body had spent
aching alone last night.

And I will always remember from this day,
never to waste another second,
But to spend every minute of every day,
showing you just how deeply in love,
with you I am.


Yeah, thanks jd, I really feel the love. It's weird, for
anyone reading this, I bet ya'll are thinking that she had
to atleast love me for a little while right? There had to
be some feelings there. Because believe me, if I was an
outsider, If I wasn't myself, merely an onlooker, I would
say that there had to be atleast lust in the equation. But
I'm not that onlooker, unfortunately, this is my story, and
there definately was no lust. I gave everything to that
girl, my money, my mind, my heart, my soul. Everything she
wanted, she got. And how did she thank me? By writing me
more smoochy woochy love poems? HELL NO! she runs off with
the slime beneath my shoe! God, I know I'm ugly, but I
can't see why she left me for that wannabe-dude. The poem
above, the last one, was written after a night that had
held one of our many arguments. An argument that, as always
was my fault, apparantly. I'm a very stubborn person, as
I'm told, and I don't like admitting that something is my
fault when it's not. But if I didn't apologise to her for
arguing over something dumb, she'd either ignore me, or
stress the hell outta me by shouting and shouting and
shouting! Well, kudas JD, thanks for the valuable lesson.
They say that when lovers part, and go their seperate ways,
they will always have fond memories of eachother, but how
can I look back at the year spent with her in happiness?
Everything was a lie, she tricked and cheated me into
getting what she wanted and when I finally woke up and
realised, she was already grooming her next victim. I swear
to god, I know this sounds petty of me, but when I see her
again, she will go down faster than a 5 dollar ho!


December 1st 2004

This is just a quick update, as I gotta leave in about 10
minutes to go and collect a little girl from school. Joy!
Work lies ahead and I feel really lazy today, because of
the past two weeks I've had home because of sickness, I
have re-adjusted my body to sleeping at night, which is
obviously not good considering I work nights. Well, last
night I attempted to stay up till 5am so I could wake up at
1pm and get some of my normal sleep pattern back. But come
1am I was nearly passed out in my chair, so I had to sleep,
I woke up at 10am this morning, so I am dreading work,
because I will probably fall asleep some time during the
breaks! Oh well, at least I only have to work 2 nights and
then its the weekend... still gonna be difficult tho I
think. Well, I better be off, to get ready to go to the
school, wish me luck for tonight.


Happy first of december! Get your advent calenders at the

The countdown has begun!


I know that was all shit, but I just thought I'd give you
an insight so you know what some of my ramblings mean.

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