Jan's Life
2004-12-09 21:18:45 (UTC)

What did I do to deserve this!?

I don't understand why I have to, or anyone for that
matter has to go through life like this. Things have been
bad at home and recently very bad... Over the weekend my
mom told me that my dad had an affair with a couple
people.. So then i come home today and see a letter my dad
has written to my mom.. Here's part of it: I'm a lying
cheating, stupid, drunk, worthless, uncaring, insensitive,
son-of-a-bitch. My wife has a list of women I have had
affairs with. i recognize a few of the names. I've been
in bed with a nurse, a drug rep, my best friend's
daughter, some others I dont remember and most recently,
my assistant. I forgot the Duke PA student. Janet- Janet
was the one we were on our way to Newport News to ABORT. I
just didn't know how I would provide for another one.
Anyway. thank god I turned around and came back home.
Janet is the love of my life. So smart, so talented, so
beautiful. It breaks my heart that she won't talk to me.
I get one word answers to questions. If I didn't ask
questions, I wouldn't get anything. Anyway, she has a new
car and she knows if she works she can get anything I have
from me. Thank god I turned around on the way to Newport
News. So- I am out- You will learn from this. You have
my best. I love you and my babies- best wishes, GM
WTF does this all mean! I don't know who to believe... I
feel bad for any side I take I just want out of all of
this. I feel bad if I understand where my dad comes from
because my mom has never encouraged us to be "nice" to my
dad.. and maybe it'll my fault he drink.. or, just the
whole families fault. And If I do understand where my dad
is coming from then I hurt my mom, and she doesn't deserve
to be hurt anymore. It just hurts to know that I was a
mistake, and that I'm the love of his life and what do I
do to show my love? Nothing. I have so much hate for him
it's unimaginable.. Does he deserve this or not? Hes so
good at minipulating and it hurts! I feel like I'm the
victim taking all this in and I don't want it to affect me
anymore than it already has. I've already started to tell
Damian a little about this, He's so easy to talk to I
could tell him anything. Then when I started to read
this, Ashley called so now she knows something is up. I
don't want to tell her anything... My social life.. and my
family life are 2 completely opposite things. I hide so
much when I'm at school, people have no idea what my life
is like. Another thing that hurts is that he wrote in the
letter... I will not ask for visitation, just come see me
when and if you want. What does that mean! Is he even
coming home tonight..?! I don;t think I can take this
much longer... suicide has ran through my head but I know
I don't have enough courage and I'm not selfish enough to
do that to the people I love. I'm just so lost... I don't
know what to think, what to believe who to love, who not
to love... who I should talk to, and how much I should
tell people... I need God in my life because I am so lost
right now. Later for now.