Charles Deason

My Blue Sky
2004-12-07 19:43:13 (UTC)

What do I really feel?

Today... I am still very sad. I don't know what to do
anymore... She won't leave me alone... and yet I don't want
her to. I told her I may not be able to come see her for
her 18th birthday... and, she was just stunned. She keeps
saying I'm her best friend. I hate just being a friend in
the end... its like for every relationship I've ever tried
to get into. I hate being just pushed aside so other people
can have their share.
It makes me feel like shit. I just... I need more
answers. I'm losing all hope... and my true feelings. I
think... the Truth is... I don't know if I'll be able to
bear seeing her in person. The girl that hurt me more than
anything I've ever felt on this planet. And although I
haven't had the heart to tell her... although she could
never understand it... shes still killing me inside.
I don't want to think about her being with some other
guy. I don't want to be with any other girl! Perhaps I do
need more time. I need to rely on my friends as well.
Making the ultimate decision to go see Astrid was really
hard on me... and it still is. I hope just this once in my
life... things will work out as I planned for them to.
Well, I met my new friend Diamond on the internet shes cool
though 27 years old, we share many of the same values and
have a few things in common.
I'm glad I get to meet so many new people as friends
in life. I'm working in my mind and physically so I can
improve. All I want in life is the things I need...
friends, a family of my own, and a girl I can love. I will
have to stop living in the past somehow and find a way to
live where I am in the present. Well I'm off again... write
again soon I think...

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