Kitten with Claws 2003

A Place to Sharpen my Claws
2004-12-05 16:37:19 (UTC)

And the plot thickens...

Okay, now things are getting interesting... I hung out
with Josh and realized that the feelings are still there,
and still as strong as they were before. But my saving
grace from a few entries ago has warmed a spot in my heart
as well. I am unsure of what to do. He is still my best
friend but I have a hard time explaining all of this to
him. And Josh, I do love him so, but I'm worried that its
going to be a repeat if we don't do things differently
this time. I don't know what to do anymore, and no one has
really been much help. I spoke to my mom, and though I
agree that what happened in the past with Josh has made me
a little harder, and that my best guy friend is my better
bet, I still cant help that I love Josh. I mean, I love my
friend as well, but I am so in love with Josh that I cant
see straight sometimes. And over the course of the 8
months with only glimpses of him to remind me, I was
trying to make myself stronger, and not so weak. Trying to
become someone that could accept and move on. But I
couldnt, I'm still as vunerable as I always was. Still a
bit of a doormat and a people pleaser. I cant help the
fact that I love him. I watched Enternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind, with Jim Carrey in it, and thought to
myself, what if I could erase him from my mind, as though
I had never been involved with him. Would I ever do that?
And the conclusion I came to was no. I couldnt. I wouldnt.
Because though there were many nights of crying myself to
sleep, there are so many happy memories that I can still
cling to that make me smile. Other people dont understand
why it is so hard for me to let go, but when you feel
something so intense and meaningful to you, this love that
takes over your soul, how can you willingly give it up.
Better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at
all. Sorry, cliche.

My friend revealed how he felt about the situation.
Well, he and I are more than friends, but cant be the most
of what we could be because external forces that would
threaten the relationship anyway. If I could freely give
my heart to someone, scarless and unbroken, he would
deserve it. He has been something so wonderful to me that
I cant stand that I dont love him the way I love Josh. Of
course if I loved them both the same that would make
things even more difficult. Well, its not that I love him
less, its just differently. I dont know what I'm talking
about anymore. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel
lost and frightened again. So many hands reaching out to
catch me, but I dont know that any will. My Star, know
that I do care deeply for you, and that no matter what
happens, you are the one person I trust above all. I can
talk to you and confide, but also care for you and listen.
I just cant make myself realize what I should do...
Forgive me if I make a mistake. I never want to lose what
we have. I dont know what to do.

Ciao




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